Do you know I wonder why I do this sometimes? I am, I suppose, trying to connect with carers and also non-carers. For carers I am trying to build a sense of empathy and of shared experience. Caring can be a lonely and isolating business and it can feel better and easier when you know other people are dealing with the same problems and experiences. For non-carers I want to convey a sense of what it's like, what carers do and how they'd benefit from wider understanding and support. Both of these are laudable aspirations but they do involve me moaning on quite a lot. So this week, with Christmas and the New Year rolling in our general direction, I thought I'd look at how my year has ended better than it began, and to try to work out how I got here.

I'm going to chart the decline from the time I lost my job, in September last year. I can't honestly say that this affected my confidence, at least not my confidence in myself. It did knock me back somewhat in the realisation that life can suddenly completely change for reasons completely out of your control. You'd think I might have realised that already. I think that the longer I went on job searching my initial confidence began to ebb and I began to get anxious and stressed. The other practical implication that being out of work has is that you have no money. I'm beginning to realise now that I'm back in work quite how little money you have when you're not working. Don't ever let anyone give you the impression that it's possible to live quite happily on the insanely generous benefits system in this country. It isn't. On top of this, and perhaps to some extent because of it, R was going through a particularly difficult patch with her own stuff. 'So come on then oh wise one' you're probably thinking 'tell us how you coped with all of this'. Gather round, my children, and I shall do just that.

An important thing not to forget when you are a carer is the importance of the relationship you have with the person you care for. Part of what I mean by this is that you can impact on them as much as their care needs can. As I have already pointed out, my stress levels, as well as my moping around the flat getting in the way and making a mess, had an impact on R. A thing you should definitely lose sight of when caring for someone though is that they are still potentially a capable and valuable individual, with their own contribution to make. So it was that a key factor is keeping myself going, keeping us both going, during this time was a suggestion of R's. She firmly advocated routine- getting up regularly at a normal time, and trying to have a pattern to our days and weeks. If you are out of work this plan will give valuable structure to your day. It will also have the same impact if you are caring on a long term basis, and not working as a result. It is also a good strategy if the person you care for is out of work and needs routine.

Structure keeps you achieving. As long as you have a timetable you are building in tasks and goals and that will mean progress, achievements and success. In a difficult period these things can be, or can seem to be, hard to come by. Building chances to achieve, however small and seemingly inconsequential, into your day can make a big difference. It's also important to remember to reward yourself. Cut yourself some slack, allow yourself some rest, relaxation and anything else good beginning with R that you can think of. Actually, now I think of it, remember is a good one. The older you get, the more you'll have been through times where life was pretty bad. Or even times when life seemed pretty bad. Always try to hold on to the memory of those lows and they important fact that, sooner or later, they passed. You can't control whether you get that job or not, whether someone's health improves or not. Try to focus at least some of your expectation on things that you can control.

In short, life will throw nasty stuff at you sooner or later. If you are prepared and resilient, if you have hope and perspective, if you accept the support and advice when it is there for you, you should get through alright.

benjaminpmoore

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