Chain Story - The Adventures of Clarence
Created | Updated Nov 22, 2015
For the story so far please see Chapter One
Chapter Two - The Wreck of the Narcissus
Ghouls party, with Clarence as the guest of honour. He is introduced to...
... the Head Ghoul and most of the Perfects, the Head's Mistress and a flock of lunatic ravens. They all eat lots of cake, made with only the juiciest brains, and drink tons of fresh, warm blood. The blood was supplied by...
... Red Cloaks Enterprises. Specialists in Vintage Sanguinary Products...
... joining a team of sixty virgins, strapped into sixty secondhand blood donor machines, to ensure that the blood supply was always fresh, even between kills (when of course the blood is absolutely at its best).
Clarence noticed a head in a glass jar over by the entrance. 'Who's that?' he asked one of the Perfects, who was wearing a black dress slit so as to reveal most of a perfect leg. It was a pity she only had one. Her title was honorary.
'Why, that's the Head', she replied.
'And what are all those birds doing here?' asked Clarence. 'Why, they're his little helpers,' answered the Head's Mistress, who had come over to Clarence to...
... examine his veins for possible snacks in between meals. Please relax darling you won't feel a thing, well not much. She bends across him and...
... 'if I could just lick your arm a little' she murmurs... she gently turns his wrist to see more clearly...
... only to find a crucifix tattooed on his wrist. She screams and...
... farts, quite disrupting the party. Clarence coughed and spluttered and then...
... ran out for air. Finding himself in another...
... dimension entirely, although he could still hear the foot of the stairs murmuring, irascibly. 'That's odd', he thought to himself, 'and there's still a knocking at the door, even though I'm in a new dimension entirely. Should I see what the knocking wants, I wonder? That might be difficult, because I seem to be in...
... drag. If I try walking in these high heels, I'll trip over this gorgeous gown and break my neck.'
It was clear to Clarence that whoever was responsible for transporting him to this place must be some kind of psycho, probably with a grudge. He racked his brains, trying to remember what he might have done to deserve this blinging Versace torment. Then he recalled that fateful evening when...
... he was sitting in the cabin of the Narcissus, in a howling storm, with waves the size of the Eiffel Tower, I mean really, really huge, and heavy rain slashing down, out in the middle of the ocean, smoking a pipe, like all tough sailors do, and thinking to himself, 'this sentence is too long and there are far too many commas in it', sort of, when there came a knocking at the door. 'Who or what can that be, in a howling storm, with waves the size of the Eiffel Tower, I mean really, really, huge, and heavy rains lashing down, out here in the middle of the ocean?' he thought, as an iceberg floated past...
... bouncing up and down in the huge seas, I mean really, really, huge seas, huge beyond your wildest dreams, I mean you just won't believe how huge those seas were, like bouncing like I don't know what, like I really, really don't know what, like you'd never believe how much I don't know what, like I don't know what beyond your wildest dreams, when...
... the door opened and...
... Winnie the Pooh crawled in. Pooh was soaking wet.
Clarence wrapped him in a flannel nightgown, got him to sit quietly, and waited to hear Pooh's story.
'There was a huge rainstorm in the Hundred Acre Wood,' Pooh began. 'The water levels kept rising and rising, until they seeped into my house and lifted up my bed (with me in it), and carried me out across the Wood and down to the sea. I didn't dare leave my bed for fear of drowning. I've been floating in my bed on the ocean for days now, and I'm glad that you...'
'... let me in.' Pooh sneezed and wiped his nose on his sleeve.
'My bed was sinking and just as I go to the...'
... toilet off the starboard side, this shark comes along and bites the legs off the bed, causing it to capsize, and there I was in the water, in the middle of the night, with my fur all wet and sharks and woozles and, and heffalumps lurking around, waiting for me to drown. But then I saw the light from the cabin of your ship, and I swam towards it and, well, here I am.'
Winnie the Pooh looked hopeful and added, 'I don't suppose you've got a little smackerel of something?'
Clarence obligingly smacked him with a mackerel. Though he was only trying to help, Winnie the Pooh didn't see it that way, and from then on, their relationship was strained. Winnie the P stormed off into the storm.
Now here was Clarence, in a Versace gown, in a different dimension, standing five-foot-nothing in his six-inch heels before another door, behind which he could hear stairs murmuring, murmuring irascibly, and something dreadful on the far side of that door was knocking, and knocking, and knocking, with the sound of nails being driven into a Clarence-sized coffin lid.
Clarence wondered if Winnie the Pooh had returned to seek revenge for the mackerel incident. Unable to bear it any longer, he shouted, 'come in, damn you!'
The door creaked open. There, standing under the lintel, was...
... a terrible reminder of that dreadful night when the Narcissus went down in the stormy seas, with all handstands on deck. It was...
None other than Winnie the...
... Pooh who looked really mad and furious. He glared at Clarence and...
... pulled out a mackarel! 'Ha ha!' the maniac teddy bear cried. And now it is my turn!' He walked forward, swinging the smackeral at Clarence who...
... luckily had his own fish with him. He produced two skates, tied them to his feet, and made a graceful escape down the iceberg. The ice sloped upwards at the base and Clarence launched himself into the air, performed a pirouette and plunged into the icy water, vaguely wondering how he'd managed to skate down a lettuce.
Splash! went...
... Clarence, as he went down to feed the fishes (he was kind like that). He was just about to go down for the third time in the savage waters when he was washed up on some handy nearby black rocks, feeling like an absolute wreck...
... when suddenly the story folded back on itself and he found himself back in the privacy of his own little room, in a Versace gown, standing five-foot-nothing in his six-inch heels, listening to the ominous sound of hammers being banged determinedly and threateningly on a Clarence-sized coffin behind the door. It sounded as if Winnie the Pooh was coming for him, as the stairs creaked and grumbled and moaned and swore like troopers.
He decided make a run for it. He ran towards the window, tripped up, and went flying...
... through the window. 'Oh dear. I can't fly' is what Clarence thought, just before he suddenly sprouted wings. 'hmm, that's new' he thought. He then looked down, and could see that the person knocking on his front door was actually...
... none other than...
... his mother-in-law. He shrieked, making an almost girly noise, which caught the attention of the lady in question, who looked up and...
... wondered what Clarence had done with her daughter. She hadn't seen her for almost two days and she was getting very suspicious and all this flying about in women's clothing wasn't going to put her off or stop her finding out what had happened to her daughter, oh, no! Whatever he had done, he was going to pay for it and then some! So she...
... kicked Clarence. 'You creep!!!' she screamed. 'Where's my daughter?' Clarence was all confused and had no idea what to...
... do or say. He started scratching his head, wondering what exactly he had done with his wife. It was a bit of a shock, really. He had no idea he was married... but he must be if he recognised this crazy old hag who was beating him up as his mother-in-law. He tried hard to remember who his wife was and drifted into his memories, completing ignoring the mad old bat when suddenly...
... out of the blue...
... a pancake came flying through the air and hit him on the head. He lost his balance and went plummeting to the ground. This...
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