h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Friend - do you notice something different ?
Nigel - yes! her blue jeans are in the wash

friend - I've had a thought ?
Nigel - oh yes! do go on old chap
friend - do you think she takes offence, if someone asks her if she needs a "hand" up when getting on a ??

Nigel - There's a poser!
friend - A POSER ?
Nigel - yep! how does she use a back-scratcher ? and wipe her nose ?
friend - you could add, does she wear lace up shoesor slip-ons

friend - have you noticed ? she's been stood there now for past 14 days at that junction/inter-section
Nigel - yes! she's trying to thumb a lift

Nigel - I wonder if she'll like the birthday present I've bought her ?
friend - what did you get her ?
Nigel - some gloves!

Reminds me of the good news/bad news joke about the patient who gets told that he's lost a leg...the good news is the guy next door wants to buy his slippers

Nigel - I was told she was a witch ?
friend - nah! she's h'armless

Venus - I asked for a thinly sliced HAM sandwich NOT! a thinly sliced hand sandwich

friend - is it right ? that she's taken up semaphore flag lessons ?
Nigel - she might have ? she only lives 5 minutes away from the college and THAT'S handy

friend - I hear she's got a new job ?
Nigel - yes! she's taken up escapology and can get out of a straitjacket in less than 3 seconds