It has long been known that some (though not all) citizens of this planet regard wearing tinfoil on one's head as a healthy (and relatively low-cost) way to avoid bombardment by cosmic rays, X-rays, microwave frequencies, and thought-forms broadcast by hostile foreign governments (or one's own) and/or aliens from outer space. It has also been abundantly demonstrated that NASA has found many uses for this important material in space missions¹.

Even the august Oxford English Dictionary, which moves at a stately academic pace, has now added the phrase 'tinfoil hat' to its lexicon, albeit with a derisory definition.

These things are known. What is less known, however, is the possible role of the tinfoil hat in the regulation of the internet revolution by clandestine entities around the world. The division of humanity into two camps – those 'in the know' and those sometimes referred to as 'lusers'   – is said by some to be almost entirely due to a hitherto-unexposed conspiracy to control the availability of vital information via the use of different qualities of thin aluminium sheeting and manipulation of the meaning of the loaded term 'code'..

This (alleged) conspiracy and its possible consequences will now be explained. Don tinfoil caps, and read on.

The Da Vinci Internet Code

As everyone knows by know, there are thought to be coded messages in the works of such famous painters as Leonardo da Vinci and Nicholas Poussin. Some of these messages are said to involve the Merovingian conspiracy, others, perhaps, the Holy Grail. Even better known, perhaps, is the fact that the Bible, both in its Hebrew and Greek parts, is claimed to be entirely composed of a numerical code which, when deciphered, yields important predictions as to coming events – including wars, political assassinations, and the sinking of RMS Titanic.

It is possible that fewer internet users are aware of the so-called 'Shakespeare Code'. Proponents of the Bacon Theory² believe that Francis Bacon, a notably dodgy character, encoded messages in the First Folio that proved he was the author of such plays as Hamlet.

The fact that the detractors of this theory have used the same code to 'prove' that Francis Bacon wrote the New York telephone directory are dismissed by Bacon theorists as irrelevant, immaterial, and generally dirty pool.

All of these codes and conspiracies were developed in the days before the invention of the internet³. However, those who worry about possible encroachment on personal freedom by the presence of a growing technocracy of those who – due entirely to their educational background and training, their membership in a tight-knit club, and their adoption of a group lifestyle – have more control over the ways things work than the rest of us, believe that it is the internet which has put the final nail in the coffin of freedom of information. They are, of course, referring to the 'Internet Code'.

They believe that this cabal of insiders is running our lives.

The Code, Its Initiates, and the 'Secret Signs'

References to the Internet Code began even before the internet. Shortly after the invention of the personal computer, the term 'coding' began to be used with ominous regularity by those who worked in the computer industry – and even by knowledgeable outsiders. These 'coders', as they called themselves, or 'programmers' (probably referring to , or 'referencing', as they often say, their purported ability to brainwash complete strangers into typing nonsensical phrases onto a screen) were held in inordinate awe by lesser mortals. Gone were the days when all a man had to do to be admired by all and sundry was to display rippling muscles and/or an expensive sports car. Suddenly, the pocket protector was chic.

These insiders, who often referred to themselves as 'geeks', communicated with one another by a secret code. Soon they had 'programmed' this code into the computers of every man, woman and child on Earth – solidifying their hold on the world's information. As libraries closed in major cities due to underfunding, computers took the place of books. The computer held all your data, and the geek was king.

This level of control seems not to have satisfied the geeks. They moved to increase their hegemony over the non-geeks by extending the use of computer components in other electronic devices, such as mobile telephones⁴, automobile systems, televisions, and even the humble coffeemaker.

Coffeemakers, in fact, became part of the geek culture, at least in the US, where these insiders were found to frequent expensive coffee houses – which in turn catered to them by installing wifi far ahead of most other establishments. In addition to speaking in code, geeks developed a culture designed to exclude outsiders: they wore special clothing⁵, ate special foods⁶, and engaged in ritual activities⁷. While doing this, the geeks refined their code. Soon they had the world in a vise.

Tinfoil Hats: The Secret

So what, the reader may ask, does this have to do with tinfoil hats? It has often been noted that in addition to pocket protectors, t-shirts that say 'I Heart Fortran', and proprietary digital watches from popular science-fiction franchises, geeks usually wear hats, particularly baseball caps (frequently backwards). At first, it was thought that this hat-wearing was due to widespread alopecia among geeks. However, it was noticed that even the long-haired female geek was addicted to the headgear. Something was up.

The secret, according to certain cognoscenti⁸, is that the geeks are using the baseball caps to cover up the tinfoil.

The reasoning runs thus:

• Tinfoil hats block mind rays.
• Baseball caps can conceal tinfoil.
• Geeks wear baseball caps.
• Therefore, geeks are wearing concealed tinfoil.
• QED.

Why are the geeks wearing this tinfoil? The conspiracy theorists have an answer. To enable them to read the computer code. The reasoning is thus:

• Ordinary human beings cannot read computer code, but geeks can.
• Geeks are wearing concealed tinfoil.
• Therefore, tinfoil enables one to escape damaging mind rays (probably transmitted by geeks), and to learn computer code.
• QED.

Proponents of this theory are urging computer users everywhere to obtain tinfoil hats and to wear them at all times. They believe that the effect of the mind-numbing rays wears off after a few weeks. Then it will be possible to learn computer code.

To test this, these conspiracy experts recommend beginning with HTML for Dummies.

For Further Reading

For further exploration of related internet conspiracy theories, read up on Al Gore and the internet at snopes.com.