h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Compare and contrast the first sentence:

"Throughout the 1990s the Sega Mega Drive was one of the most advanced and popular games consoles in the world"

With this from later on:

"By 1995 the Mega Drive was competing against newer, more powerful games consoles"

How about "in the early 1990s..." in that first sentence instead?

A87734398 - Sega Mega Drive

Good point, updated.

<BB<

Hi BB, nice entry on what will undoubtedly be a popular subject.

It's a long time since I commented in PR, but I feel that this entry, engaging and informative as it is, is slightly disjointed.

As an example, the second sentence in the first para:

"Not only did it usher in the 16-bit era of games consoles, forcing Nintendo to respond with the SNES1 it was able to play older Master System games and looked to the future of games consoles with the 32X adaptor and the Mega-CD. No other games console has been this successful in spanning innovations in games console development."

If nothing else, you definitely need to mark the pause after "snes" more clearly (either just by adding a comma or by putting the whole subclause in brackets). But more generally, this sentence is cramming in a lot of ideas. I can understand that at this early stage in the entry, your are looking to introduce a lot of ideas, but you need to retain clarity. I found it hard to follow. Maybe split into 2 sentences?

Anyway, like I said, its been a while, so I'll stay positive: really great example of how PR can work well to help the process of writing good entries.

I didn't see the first draft, but looking at the thread, it seems clear that it has changed a lot, through a combination of well-judged comment being taken in a positive spirit and used constructively.

Good to see!

Kinda makes a lapsed researcher think about returning to the fray!

Hey Spiff

Nice to meet you. I am really delighted when people return, I do hope you find things to amuse you here, and a really big thanks for taking the time to review something.

Hope to see you around in the future


Lanzababy

Good point, I've amended that section slightly, so hopefully it reads better.

<BB<

I still have fond memories of playing Micro Machines at my mate's house.

Embarrassingly, on the school desk track, there was a piece of graffiti reading "AN (heart) JS".

My initials are AN, and the girl I had a thing for at school at the time was JS.

I'm sure my mate used to spin off at that corner on purpose...

I realise that this is an Entry about the Sega Mega Drive, but there are 84 occurrences of in it!! I shade many I feel.

How about doing something like this (taking the opening paragraph as an example):
<>

Only one mention instead of three. Try applying the same principle to the rest of the Entry. Then read it through aloud and see if it doesn't grate quite so much.

Good FM recovery though.

Good point, I've deleted several uses of the words 'Mega Drive', except in the second section that explains the difference between a Mega Drive and Genesis, as otherwise that would have been too confusing.

<BB<

When that's brought it down to 58, but that's still a bit heavy IMO

More Mega Drives deleted now.

<BB<

Any other comments?

<BB<

Are there any further comments?

<BB<

I think it's good.

I've tidied it up a little now.

<BB<

I will re read this later

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