h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

------------------------------
"he said:
'sorry to leave you
but i don't think i can'
i suppose, even the son of God
gets it hard sometimes
------------------------------
Jesus in a Camper Van - Robbie Williams
------------------------------

lol
r we going back to the jokes then?

If you like, Fraeya.

Deano, I think you'll find it's "Sorry to leave you but I've done all I can".
Sorry, just had to point that out.

nah dont go back to the jokes i cant think of any more

we could do quotes though

' you send off for every bit of junk going just so you can have some mail to open. Please rush me my portable walrus cleaning kit. Four simple brushes for cleaning even the trickiest of seabound mammels. Yes i am over 18 although my IQ isn't'

Lol!

"What do you mean, am I determined to go to the pub? I don't need determination to get me into a pub!"

"matchbox twenty realises its full potential wehn exposed to fresh air and natural sunlight. rotate periodically for optimum growth"

lol

'i was just doing a little test to see if you've gone crazy

well we've passed the test you can let us out.

i cant do that

why not

because the king of the potato people wont let me. Ive begged him. ive got down on my knees and wept. he wants to keep you here. keep you here for ten years.

can we see him?

who

the king

do you have a magic carpet?

yeah, a little 3 seater

so let me get this straight: you want to fly on a magic carpet t see the king of the potato people and beg with him for your freedom and you think your completly sane? I think that warrents 2 hours of WOO

whats WOO

with out oxygen no oxygen for two hours that'll teach you to be bread baskets'


shall i go on?

If you want.

"Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a hardsichord, singing 'Subtle Plans are Here Again' "

lol

ok heres some more (sad or what)

'now what

i estimate we hve 7 minutes before the air in here becomes unbreatheable

theres got to be a way out

thats the point of quarrentine nothing gets in nothing gets ouy not even a microbe kryten any chance of you craking the code on the door

no sir the chances of punching in the coorect code are literally billions to one, unless...

the luck virus...

*kryten injects lister with the luck virus*

right what do i do

just choose which numbers you think are best

*lister types numbers in*

yes!

what now?

i suggest we go down to the hologram suite before mr rimmer...

before mr rimmer what

*rimmer holds up penguin puppet*

theyve been naughty boys havn't they mr fibble

yes

what do we do with the naughty boys who've been naughty mr fibble

uncle arnie frys em alive with his hex vision

thats right mr fibble'


i never knew i could remember that much of it

anyway

'baldrick you really are as thick as clotted cream, whose been left out by some clot untill the clots have got so clotted up you couldn't unclot them with an electric de-clotter'

Lol, how funny!

'go to blue alert

there's no one to alert we're all here

i'd just be more comferatble if we were all on our toes

we are

i want to go to blue alert

fine

*blue light saying alert swtches on*

thats better a bit of professionalisum

theres something coming some kind of missile...

dodge it

sir it can easily outrun us

the albainian state washing machine can easily outrun us...

step up to red alert

sir are you absolutly sure? it does mean changing the bulb'

After a school is bombed in Colorado, a suspect is released due to lack of evidence.

He is interviewed in the movie documentary "Bowling for Columbine"

-----------------------
"So have you ever made a bomb before?"

"No - never...

...okay fine i've made some tiny little bombs - tennis ball sized - they couldna hurt nobody"

(5 mins later)

"So what's the last bomb you made?"

"Hmmm...

...probably a 5 litre napalm"

-----------------------
Some American lunatic (the latter adjective doesn't really need to be said with the former)
from 'Bowling for Columbine'

lol

'name?

baldrick

first name?

dunno

you must have some idea?

well it might be s off cos when i was in the gutter with the other snipes i used to say to them 'hello my names baldrick' and they said 'yes we know s off baldrick'

ok - mr s baldrick
any history of insanity in the family?... i'll just cross out the 'in' Any history of sanity in the family?

none whatsoever

criminal record?

none whatsoever

oh for gods sake baldrick you're going to be an MP! i'll just put fraud and sexual devience

minimum bribe?

one turnip...no wait i dont want to price myself out

baldrick do you have any other aims in life apart from the acquisition of turnips

no

so what would you do if i gave you a thousand pounds?

i'd get a little turnip all of my own

so what would you get if i gave you a million pounds

oh thats different id get a great big turnip in the country'

Lol!

Just think of it- quiet evenings in your hovel alone, with a Bible... and your own turnip

lol

'proper dumplings when they are properly cooked to perfection im talking proper dumplings rimmer do NOT BOUNCE!!!!'

"There's a saying, passed down through generations of road sweepers: Look after your broom."

"And your broom will look after you?"

"No... Just Look after your broom."

'Rasputin, fetch the skn diving suit with the bottom cut out, and unleash the rampant wildebeast'

i think i watch red dwarf too much

and the other half of that one

'rasputin, bring in the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers'

dead appropriate as one of my cats just brought in a live frog (not soapy though)and i had to take it back outside I HATE DOING THAT!!!!!!

Aaaaahhh,frogs are sweet.