con·spir·a·cy Noun

1. A secret plan by a group to do something unlawful or harmful.

the·o·ry Noun

1. A supposition or a system of ideas intended to explain something, esp. one based on general principles independent of the thing to be explained: "Darwin's theory of evolution".

con·spir·a·cy the·o·ry Noun

1. A belief that some covert but influential organization is responsible for an unexplained event.

par·a·noi·a Noun

1. A mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance, typically worked into an organized system.

All definitions above courtesy of Merriam Webster. They provide these free on the internet, which is why we're using them instead of the classier OED. It's not post-colonial bolshiness. Really.

Everyone accuses us 'conspiracy nuts' of manufacturing things to worry about. After all, the world is complicated enough without suspecting that there are groups of people perpetrating frauds, hoaxes, and scams all over the place. After all, humans are honest, and that sort of thing never happens, does it?

We know that governments are of the people, by the people, and for the people, that the poor get a fair shake and are well looked after, that crime never pays, and that we can always rely on our news media to be free of bias, cant, and personal interest. Above all, no one in a place of trust ever lies about anything.

The only time paranoia makes sense is when the paranoid in question has real enemies.

So any idea I might personally have about the unusual conversation I had in Romania back in 1980 is just fancy. I only imagine that the fellow from the Strategic Institute of US Government Skullduggery was feeling me out. Therefore, my rudeness to him – including the comment, 'you think I'm an idiot, and I know you're an idiot' – was completely gratuitous on my part, and did not result in my being placed on any spy-type watch lists.

Just saying.

Years ago, someone told me, 'Never say 'they'. As in, 'they' did this, 'they' did that. It's sloppy thinking, and leads to paranoia.' Why do conspiracy theorists say 'they'? There are four basic reasons:

1. 'They' is used to refer to the 'unsubs', or 'perps'. When conducting a criminal investigation, it is obvious that a crime has been committed. By whom, it may be too early to say.
2. Naming names only leads the major perpetrators to cover their tracks. 'They' will use the outed conspirator as a scapegoat, throwing him to the wolves in order to conceal their own involvement. The name [excised by the editorial staff] springs to mind.
3. The use of 'they' avoids the annoying passive voice when reconstructing a crime. It is easier to say 'they engineered a controlled implosion of Building 7' than 'it is evident that nano-thermite must have been applied to major structural components of the interior of the building in order to cause it to collapse in 105 feet of free-fall'. See?
4. 'They' is used because naming names might be personally dangerous. It is safer to say that 'they engineered a false-flag act of terrorism on the order of the Gleiwitz Incident¹' than to say 'politician [name excised by the editorial staff] conspired with politician [name excised by the editorial staff] to defraud, deceive, and deprive others of life, liberty, and/or personal rights.' That sort of talk leads to lawsuits and possible abduction by [organization name excised by the editorial staff]. You could end up in an orange jumpsuit at an Undisclosed Location.

Of course this is unsatisfactory. But notice that the foregoing paragraphs were not deleted from this public forum. We are being discreet, a rare occurrence.

Conspiracy theorists are proceeding from certain assumptions, among them the belief that 'ordinary' people count   – that those of us on this planet who are neither rich nor powerful have as much right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness as the multi-billionaires and media darlings of this world. That is of course patently absurd. Everybody knows that [name withheld by the editors] is more important than you are. That's why his picture is on the magazine cover. Get over yourself. Why should anybody tell you anything?

Other absurd things that they – here we mean the conspiracy nuts – believe:

1. Where there's smoke, there's fire. Literally and figuratively.
2. Lying is susceptible to analysis. If a public spokesperson such as [name withheld] offers information you did not ask for, he's probably trying too hard to cover something up.
3. It is not unreasonable to assume that people who have vast possessions will be willing to step outside the law to protect same.
4. It is not unreasonable to assume that people who have committed crimes will subsequently lie about them (as opposed to remarking, 'It's a fair cop.')
5. Most conspirators have read all the common how-to books on lying, subterfuge, and getting away with it. For instance, Mein Kampf. At least in translation.

Everybody loves Top Ten Lists. We know this, because the television, that fountain-head of veracity, tells us so. Thus follows a Top Ten List of reasons to put away the tinfoil hat and refuse to believe in any conspiracy theories you read or hear about this week.

1. Tinfoil is unsightly, uncomfortable, and unfashionable. Besides, it gets hot in the sun.
2. Conspiracy theories take away attention from really important issues, such as which 'artist' Simon Cowell is feuding with this week. [Editors' note: We left this name in. He needs the publicity.]
3. Conspiracy theories waste the time and resources of government agencies by demanding unnecessary investigations. Unnecessary investigations are defined as those which do not originate with government agencies.
4. Conspiracy theorists do not increase the ratings of chat shows.
5. Realising that life is not as well-ordered as the public media would have you believe is unsettling to people, and bad for their health and well-being.
6. Conspiracy theorists themselves should have better things to do with their time than investigate subjects best left to the paid authorities. They should be working on useful careers in the food-service industry.
7. Developing a sense of distrust lowers the tone of the neighbourhood. What if everybody did that? Do you want your village to think like New York City?
8. Conspiracy theorists dedicate so much time to their pet theories that they neglect important aspects of their lives, such as investment portfolios and personal hygiene. Stop and smell the coffee, people.
9. Conspiracy theorists devote so much energy to researching their topics and persuading people to listen to them that they become stressed, and often live on the edge of insanity. Do you want your kids to grow up like this? Isn't ignorance bliss?
10. Conspiracy theorists are generally humorless, driven, and, not to put too fine a point on it, no fun at all.

In fact, if you do read or hear about any conspiracy theories, you should report the author of such to your local equivalent of Homeland Security, immediately. This person is letting the side down and encouraging defeatism in the face of the Global War on Practically Everybody.

I hope this has set your minds at ease. Go back to your junk food and trash television, and leave the governing of the world to your betters.

Editors' note: The H2G2 Post wishes to distance itself from any particular conspiracy theory about any public event whatsoever. We do not insist, as a matter of editorial policy, that JFK was shot by aliens from Alpha Centauri. (Besides, the aliens deny this. Nigel asked.) Nor do we have any information to share with WikiLeaks. We are merely asserting the right of our readership to be nutty, as usual.

Just saying.

Dmitri Gheorgheni

25.04.11 Front Page

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