h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Telemarketers drive me crazy. At least, they did before I learned how to handle them. I pick up the phone and give a friendly "hello," and then they always say, "Hello, Mr. or Mrs. ______(1)." Their very ATTITUDE makes me crazy.
Recently, and quite by accident, I learned how to make an incoming telemarketing call become fun. I was watching Star Wars when I got the call. When the offending telemarketer asked to speak to "Mr. or
Mrs. _____," I said "Just a moment." I put the receiver up to the television set, where Chewbacca was giving a moving speech about the deteriorating economic conditions on Megalonus VI. I let Chewbacca talk to the telemarketer for about thirty seconds, and then I removed the receiver and said, "Are you still there?" "Yes," was the reply. I then turned off the TV and made noises into the phone which some people might consider obscene until the offense hung up.
Since then, whenever a telemarker calls, I go to a CD player and put on some bizarre comedy routine or something and walk away for a while. I also like to confuse them. Recently, I had the following conversation with a telemarketer:
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello, Mr. or Mrs. _______ please.
Me: Speaking.
TM: I am calling from AT&T wireless (2), and I wanted to tell you about our new...
M: What do you think you're doing?
TM: Is this Mr. or Mrs. __________?
(short pause)
M: Hello?
TM: Is this Mr. or Mrs. __________?
M: NO.
TM: May I speak with one of them?
M: Who are you?
TM: I am calling from...
M: I'm sorry, I'm a little hard of hearing. Could you speak in a higher pitch?
TM: What?
(short pause)
M: Hello?
TM: Do I have Mr. or Mrs. ____________?
M: Maybe.
At this point I hung up.

This is how I learned to take care of telemarketers. I should like to stress that the above conversation is completely real.
(1) They always pronounce this wrong. I think it's part of their religion.
(2) Or whatever company it was.

I found JUST the thing for you!

I found a place on the internet that has a collection of Arnold Schwarzeneggar sound bytes from his movies - things like "How are you?", "Stop whining!" towards and through all the profanities. These are available at the touch of a button. Just switch on your speakerphone, move the PC speakers close to the phone et voila! Instant fun!

Giggle with joy as your telemarkter becomes intwined within a confusing conversation with Arnold! I must find the url. I'll post it as soon as I find it.

There's a new method of telemarking annoyance (well I don't know how new it actually is but it's new to me)... No longer are they content with humiliating people to cold call you, now they just get machines to do it. I've actually been called by a recorded message! The benefit is that it's much easier to hang up on. Unfortunately, generally because I can't find a polite moment to butt in (this is with the people calling not the machine), I usually end up listening to the whole speil before I have to convince them I'm not interested in doing the survey or taking advantage of the once in a lifetime deal that they'll probably call me again about in a week or whatever it is they are trying to flog at me (it's a sickness I know... are there pills for that?? ). One of them actually sounded quite outraged and annoyed that I didn't want to purchase whatever wonderful offer they had just explained to me without taking a breath (I think they train them underwater).

That Arnold idea is great! Do they have those for other voices too? If they did, I would want one for Dubya. ("That product could be a breach of our national security!")

hi all, ive been in telesales for a few years now, the moneys great 12-8.30 with hour break thru day, i can earn up to £350 a week on a good week. Its a nice enviroment to work in and theres plenty of hunnies in the office to keep the eyes busy. We sell news paper subs for international and local papers.
Its quite a laugh actually, get loads of very funny answer machine msg's and sometimes are fortunate to get the odd 'Arnie' to talk to, i wish more people would have a laugh when they are cold called as we are very thick skinned and would see the funny side; When i was callin a guy in bournemouth selling the echo the conversation was a classic:
Me: Hi, just a quck call from the echo, how are you alright?
Customer: is this about the earthquake?
me: no, its just a cal to ask if you read us is all.
cust: well i can tell you that our readings are of a 5.6 to 5.7 on the ricter scale, do you want the reaults faxed?
me; No, dont think ur getting my drift.
cust; do you want the sports desk? kevin kegan here, how can i help?
by this point i obviously caught on and said 'fair play mate, your mad as a lorry, laters.
we get sooo many people thatcan only say 'F*** off!' that its refreshing when we're put off with some humor, after all its just a job and some of the more fragile call center op's find it upsetting when they are shouted at, me, i dont give a......
anyway, the bad news is that with the onslaught of the internet and other communication tools such as mobile fones, many with wap tha shops will be a thing of the past, the chairman of the second largest company in the uk said most phones would be sold over the phone rather than in shops and was to close most of his branches although he predicts that his company will sell three times the amount sold in the last ten years in the next five.
to close, i apologise on behalf of all call centre staff for our intrusion into your homes and look forward to speaking to Mr. Swartzenegger very soon,
thank you for your time and help, goodbye and have a wonderfull evening.