h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well, since i'm a firm afficianado of trolley-racing, along with, immaturely, mountain biking (to the point where I break bikes and bones), I fully support the R.C.P.A. However, I'd like to suggest that maybe armchair racing should be introduced too? I've just broken an armchair (a recliner, no less: I thank you), and so I'm looking for a worthy opponent in which i may continue the process of wearing said padded and upholstered television-viewing-station to destruction. Since it's stuck with the reclining bit out, I'm thinking of maybe adding a lance. If anyone feels like a bit of armchair-jousting, please email me.

Alberto.

Sadly my armchair doesn't have wheels. However, jousting in a shopping trolley or any other activity in a trolley can be performed even if you are not a expert.

All you need is:

Wait for it:

2 bottles of vodka.

With this you are immune to any pain thus ensuring that you can joust the whole night. You could even joust Le Mans stlee where you have a team and you swap over every two hours or something like that. I'm sure if we pressure the R.C.P.A enough then they could set up a regional then national contest. I shall write to them straight away.

The R.C.P.A fully applauds the efforts of Alberto to broaden its horixons. However, it finds a fundamental problem in adding Armcahir Jousting to its list of futher activities. That is that you dont usually find armchairs, warn or otherwise, lying about in abundance in carparks.

And smooth: the R.C.P.A. regrets to inform you that they do not know what "Le Mans stlee" means. Hoever, the suggestion of including vodka in the events is fully taken on board, because it also helps to numb the pain afterwards.

trolley racing does, this protester admits, sound like a good idea. Particularly accross a concrete wasteland in an empty retail park, having eating a sauce made exclusively from liquid and herbal ingredients found in the temple of the golden arches, with a reindeer hat on and two flags entwined in one's flaxen hair.

However, this protester would like to point out that two bottles of vodka does not numb the pain, it amplifies it in different areas of the body, namely the stomach. Also, it is not a pain removal technique: It is a pain delaying technique. Any wounds incurred whilst trolley racing would cause the bearer pain afterwards.

Returning to the subject of pain amplification in the stomach, vodka, when drunk at suitable velocity, can cause considerable cramps, even in those who have previously been impervious to hangovers. These cramps may even be experienced before the car park athlete has finished competing for the evening and has returned to their accomodation. One may also expect the usual athlete's muscle fatigue the day after, accompanied by frequent vomiting.

It should, of course, be noted that these effects are only when said beverage is consumed in sufficient volumes and at suitable velocity. However, this campaigner suggests that two bottles would be quite sufficient enough to cause such athletic injury.

Alberto.

The R.C.P.A does not take responsibility for stupoid racers who partake in drinking games before race, and experiance pain afterwards. We can only take responsibility for injuries sustained during competition, and therefore your hangovers we are not accountable for! If you, the protestor, are stupid enough to drink a full two bottles of vodka, and vomit blood, this is no responsibility of ours! However,if the protestor wishes to toast to the R.C.P.A, or even by it a drink, then we would not be offended!

When i say Le Mans Stylee i mean, quite obviously, that the contest should be conducted all night, changing the jouster every few hours. This will lead the event to be an endurance race therefore emplying the Le Mans Stylee.

As for this Alberto, i believe he doesn't have the balls like all the other people from his nation to drink two bottles of vodka. Anyway, since he was being perdantic i might as well point out a couple of things:

I did not mention how fast, or as you like to call it the "velocity", the vodka would be drunk. This would be a major factor because if you drink it slowly then the effects would be a lot smaller, therefore the supposed stomach cramps during the contest would not be felt during the contest.

Replying again to the R.C.P.A, drinking two bottles of vodka would not make you vomit blood. This is a fact. The only way you can vomit blood is if you have cut yourself internally or you have bust a blood vessel.

I would like to ask how you would treat an injury sustained during the contest?

Smooth operator

It entirely depends on the type of injury sustained. The R.C.P.A. does not take responsibility for any injuries sustained by participants, for fear of leagal action.
The R.C.P.A. thanks you for your suggestion, and will undoubtedly think on the subject, and do summat about it at some point.

See Alberto: that "Vomiting blood" story was evident fabrication again wasn't it? Hmmm...you have to stop that, like that time you slpet in a morgue and we got all excited, and you were lying out of your ass?

You know how hard it is to keep talking as if Im an organisation?

The R.C.P.A. thanks you for your valuable time.