h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I don't know the name for it, but one maths teacher of mine had a disturbing compulsion to act mimes describing big things with his arms, and so revealing sweat patches down to his elbows.

There's also the condition primarily suffered by male physics teachers whereby the sufferer is inexorably drawn to 'helping' only the tallest, blondest, lowest cut top in the class, and doesn't even try to hide the fact that he's perving.

There's the one where sports teachers can't help but refer to any particular attempt at social contact as a 'mothers' meeting'.

And the one where a member of staff is having a bad day, and relieves some of their tension by walking past people smoking by the lockers, three people beating up a year 7 and four guys spray-painting the head-masters' car, and vents their spleen on the one guy in the school with a perfect behaviour record, because they've just seen him pop a lozenge in his mouth and sweets aren't allowed in school...

Also, particularly affecting I.T technicians is a fetish involving 'To do' lists. The longer the better, which is why they're always 'getting round' to doing something, but never actually doing anything. This is usually accompanied by an insatiable desire to use the majority of the school's internet bandwidth for downloading Hi- res images of women in Star Trek uniforms.

Finally, there's the one where the two widest members of staff choose the exact same moment to enter the corridor at opposite ends, and start the slow, fear- inducing waddle which brings them together at the precise point you are standing, stuck in the knowledge that there's no escape other than to hurl yourself into a class full of year 8's in the middle of a humanities lesson.
Similar is the one whereby the two widest members of staff enter the corridor at the same time at the same end, walking next to each other in the opposite direction to you and everyone else in the corridor. This has a similar effect to those observed when bowling two balls down the alley at once, or ploughing two planets through an asteroid belt.

TK[1]