In most school environments it is very easy to contract a whole array of inexplicable psycological disorders, for both teachers and pupils. Here are steriotypical behavioural symptoms for the more common ones:

Selective Sight

This is a fairly common disorder amoung teachers and is very disteressing for both the sufferer and the victim of the disease. The teacher wil appear to have a blind spot for a particular person or group of people and, for no apparrent reason, will ignore them. This happens not matter how close the sufferer is to the pupil or what the pupil is doing.

Compulsive Slapping Disorder (CSD)

This seems more common amoungst female pupils and is charactorized by sudden slapping for no apparent reason at totally random moments. Currently, I am unsure of the cause of this phenomina.

Chronic Bore Syndrome (CBS)

This is the most common disorder in teachers. Symptoms are a sudden urge to bore to death a class, causing widespread yawning and fidgeting. Unfortunately there is no cure.

Multiple Fashion Disasters (MFD)

Again, this is a disease found more commonly in teachers. The sufferer will appear to have absolutely no fashion sense at all, wearing things that went out of fashion at leat 50 years or go, or in more extreme cases, that were never in fashion at all. This may often result in patterned-trouser-wearing, which is believed to be fatal. Some teachers will try to impose this illness onto pupils by means of the 'school uniform'.

Compusive Hair-Bushing Disorder (CHD)

This is very common in female pupils and may well be part of an obscure bonding process. No other reason has been found for this bizarre activity. What generally spurrs this off is one peron who sits down and says, 'My hair is such a mess today' and from that trigger a whole class full of pupils will be brushing eachother's hair within the space of minutes.

Liberty Anxiety

A very common disorder in pupils. Sufferers will often be seen staring blankly out of windows, and in extreme cases, will start counting out loud the number of minutes until the end of school. It is indeed very traumatic to watch.

Irrelivant Obscurity Disorder (IOD)

A very bizarre thing, where the afflicted person can not go for ten minutes without thinking about something totally irrelivant and obscure, such as Rolf Harris, kangaroos making champaign or pink elephants in tutus doing the can-can, singing 'God Save The Queen' and slowing down internet connections. Anyone displaying these symptoms should be immediately isolated, as it is deemed very contagious.

Repetative Immaturity Syndrome(RIS)

A state in which the sufferer reverts to child-like behavior, with tendancies towards singing nursary rhymes and running around like lunatics. Often this is very sudden and the only known cure is to ignore the sufferer and hope that they shut up.

Multiple Gibberish Disorder (MGD)

A very sad condition that afflicts both pupils and teachers. A person with this disorder needs too keep their mouth moving in order to keep the rest of their body functioning. This will eventually result in an inability to keep quiet or, in extreme cases, inability to talk about anything inteligable. This is far too common.

Alternativism

This is very common amounst teenagers. Typical symptoms include dying hair, wearing the weirdest things possible and, in the worst cases, converting to a bizarre sect religeon. Reasoning behind this is rather foggy, but it generally stems from a desire to be different or a desire to immensely annoy as many family members as possible.

'Drama Queen' Syndrome (DQS)

This is a fairly common syndrome in pupils and is charactorizes by over acting to everything possible and having a need to be the centre of attention. These people will either become very popular because of their assertiveness or very dead because of their annoyingness.

Compulsive Hysterical Giggling Abnormality (CHGA)

A truly weird thing, more common in female pupils. This abnormality, associated with RIS and MGD, results in sudden mass giggling and hysteria at innapropriate times for no apparent reason for the obserber. Beware: this is usually a conspiracy, and the joke, more often than not, is on you.

Chronic Nagging

This is often associated with CBS, and is very common in teachers. The sufferer will demand work that the pupil has not done, does not have with them or, in exteme cases, that the teacher never set. This is linked to an unhappy childhood, where the pupils are the outlet for all of the anger.

Abnormal Daytime Television Syndrome (ADTS)

This is a disease in it's own rights and often contributes to RIS. This generally involves having 'Jerry Springer' like debates and sudden outbursts of Steve Irwin impersonations with dodgy Australian accents. This is considered fatal, and may cause serious CHGA.

Obsessive Television Personality Disorder (OTPD)

One example of this is that a peson, say a teacher, models his appearance around a television personality, say James Bond. This actually happened to one of my teachers once, and resulted in mass CHGA. Unfortunately, the only cure is humilliation.......

In a pupil, however, the disorder takes a totally different form. A pupil will obsessively collect photos of a certain person, talk about them constantly and say how attractive and intelligent s/he may be, although all evidence would seem to point in the opposite direction. They will also stand up for thier 'love' when s/he is in a tight spot, no matter how obvious their guilt is, and get very upset whenever s/he gets a new boy/girlfriend or gets married. Eventually the sufferer may grow out of it, but the more serious cases may well suffer it for the rest of their lives.

Melodic Abnormaity Compulsive Disorder (MACD)

This is a very unfortunate disorder, resulting in random singing, often of old and out-dated or at least very irritating songs. Typical examples include 'In the jungle' and 'Evergreen'. This disorder will often result in death, not necissarily from the disorder, but from the people who have to listen to it.

Chronic Cyclic Fatigue

This disease affects mainly students. In mild cases, it causes the victim to be overcome with fatigue at a certain time each day, usually corresponding to a particular class period, lasting the duration of that period. In stronger cases the victim is unnaturally fatigued for several hours of the day, mostly beginning at the start of a school day and easing off as school is dismissed. Two rest days are required per week to control this disorder, generally Saturday and Sunday. Other symptoms include excess salivation and the production of noises caused by slight blockage of airways, more commonly known as snoring.

Obscurity shock syndrome

This is the affect of a innocent person walking in on a fairly innnocect conversation or innocent action at exactly the wrong time, leading to very worried exchanges and rather confused feelings. Tragic, although often very amusing.

Insanity

This is often caused by over-exposure to all of the above disorders, or suffering from more than three of them. This is generaly charactorized by reading this article and knowing exactly what I'm talking about. Oh no, here come the elephants again.....

If there are any other disorders that I have missed and need further study, please inform me below.

And thank-yous go to.........

Flying Betty for sharing a contribution.

So long, and Thanks for Laughing