h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Are you the fool on the hill then?

No, I was the one down in the dumps.
Now I prefer plain talking.

Interesting slant WF. I think it should come with the warning that what you are describing is the FA manifestation of the game. I especially liked the description of the telekinetic coaching from the dugouts. There's a lot going on that a neophyte would probably miss: Coppers dressing up in dayglow bibs, shots at the I've-got-a-big-one press photographers, invalid transport, all sorts. Not to mention bogroll!

Linesmen have been transformed into something called "assistant referees". Their flags, sometimes equipped with transmitters are evolving into light-sabers, which will aid the referees in spotting violations of the offside law by severing the offending body parts of players caught in transgression.

Like your description of goal keepers. They are definately a distinct subspecies, deserving of an entry of their own.

Cheers! JTG

Cheers John.
Good points well made. I'll wait on some more reaction for a few days and make some changes to the article.
Maybe this system will actually work.

BTW I will never call linesmen assistant referees. Even if they do carry light-sabres. And you're right about the bog roll. I did miss out a few quaint aspects of the English game, like those urinating on the terrace in front of them and supporters running like hell from the gates after an away match.

Hi John,
I've now updated my page on Football.
Can you give it a look-see when you have a spare mo.
Especially as the new British Premiership football season is nearly upon us and you have new and enhanced not-so-secret-powers
If I get some joy I may actually write a more 'factual' account of the rules of the game - including The Offside Rule.

Cheers,
TWF

I'm still more Jimmy Olson than anything super. I'll have a look.

I've just finished making last edits now and submitted them.
I foolishly assumed you were going to be on h2g2 later on!

If I were a football analyst I might say something like:

"... Brilliant, that... raaahly brilliant... mmm?"

I particularly liked the
"innocent as Oliver Twist..." thing;
and your description of "Strikers".

(where's the bogroll, though; that's the best part of the whole ritual, surely).

Surely that's where your Olsen-like editing skills are brought to bear

Oh and I'm afraid I just changed the article again, sorry.

Anything about bogroll (I'm not obsessed)?

Looking good. The bold can be overdone, but I think it works well here. "Magic spray" was "Magic sponge" wennahworralad. I feel old.

By-the-by, Ilike the joys of bed lying written on ceiling with long pencil thing.

I had a senile English teacher who taught me for two years. That was the only interesting thing he ever said. Apparently it was in an essay by a pupil several decades before I arrived at the school.

Anyway, back to bogroll. What angle are you looking for.
Is it the way it is thrown around with abandon or the fact that if you go to the bogs in a ground it's usually the shiny old type of bogroll, if there's any at all?

May the saints preserve any tourist foolhardy enough to use the toilets.

Bogroll as projectile mirth... I was thinking. I don't know why I keep going on about it. Perhaps it's my subconcious telling me to stick to subjects I know something about.

Don't tamper with your fine article for the sake of. I'd never forgive myslf.

Well I have tampered with it now.
Check it out.

Nicely tampered. Are there really people deranged enough to throw darts at goalkeepers? Have there been any cases, you can think of, when goalies have been injured by such insane behaviour. Now that I think of it, wasn' there a keeper injured by aa beer bottle recently? I can't remember where. I fancy it was during an international match.

Unless Steve Backley is in the crowd, I think the goalie's pretty safe. The most dangerous place to be when facing a crowd of nutters is taking a corner-kick, followed closely by the throw-in.
The darts at goalies thing is more a 'psychological warfare' move as the goalie looks a few yards behind him to see the flight-end of a dart sticking out of the ground.
Not sure about actual injuries suffered by players due to the crowd.
What I'm hoping is that if&when this article is up there, all sorts of forums could pop off the back of it e.g. who do you support? worst/best game you ever saw? weirdest crowd chant...etc.
The Charity Shield (Man U/Arsenal) is this Sunday, so it could be nice timing to get it up there. I was inflamed into writing the article in the first place because American Football was one of the first official entries. As it said nothing to me about my life, I figured I should do something about it, hence all this.

Plus I just changed the name to English Premiership Football as the British bit meant nothing...

I confess I don't really follow the Premiership that closely. My family have traditionally supported Notts County (I heard that snicker). For a long time, English soccer didn't receive much attention here. To get the scores, you had to listen to weird ex-pat programs on the radio. There used to be a weekly TV show about the West German Bundesliga (Hosted by Toby Charles; there was a companion magazine too). So, for a time it was easier to be a fan of German football. It's much better now though. There are a couple of specialty sports TV channels that give it a lot of airtime.

Best game: My wife and I used to follow women's university soccer. The team we followed won the national championship on a frozed, snow-covered pitch in Ottawa. Conditions could hardly have bee worse. There had been rain the day before; then the temperature plummeted to -23C. It was so cold that I pushed a lense out of my glasses with my camera.

Worst game: Brazil -vs- Italy in the previous World Cup final. Pathetic!