h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Hellmans' Anachronism: historical proof of future time travel - A753806
Author: agcBen - ((14*8)-80)+5=37 - U148580

A small thing, but mine own...

B

Ahem. It makes more sense thatn Erich von Daniken, though still not as much as the boy Hancock...
Other than that, deponent sayeth not.

'wrinkes'=wrinkles in the second paragraph I think.

I think this is *excellent*!

Apparently, the Romans discovered steam power, but didn't see a practical use for it. How different things might have been....

I'm not entirely sure that this is edited guide material though - but a cert for the Post. What does everyone else think?

Otto

Hancock - who he? Unless the boy from East Cheam said something I missed?

In fact, BS, you are going to have to explain the rest of your post in words of one sylable for Bens of very little brain. 'Deponent sayeth not'??

Glad y'all like it. It needs headers really, but I am not sure where to put them in.

And the wrinke is wrinkled out.

Ben

Sorry-Graham Hancock, a fairly eager proponent of the Atlantis myth-tho he seems to be changing tack recently. (My memory told me it was yourself that i debated his theories with recently. It obviously wasn't...another in an increasing number of senior moments.)
'Deponent sayeth not'-ancient legal phrase, usually used to indicate a failure to give evidence.

I'm inclined to side with Oto here, not sure about it being suitable for the Guide, but i'm sure Shazz would love it for the post. On the other hand, the Guide should have a place for something like this...

I believe a whole load of bizzare and wierd stuff, but I draw the line at Atlantis! I am happy to argue the toss with anyone on the subject though.

The only thing which holds me back from being completely serious about the mayonnaise thing, is an almost physical inability to get my head around time travel. I seriously cannot find a flaw in my logic. Mayonnaise just is not credible. But my emotions won't let me encompas the implications.

I should do the research and find out who originally made it. There was a named man, a named place and a known date for the event. But that doesn't challenge the theory in any way, just pinpoints when the thing took place.

Thanks for the explanations.

B

As I say, he's changed tack recently but has been doing some interesting work with marine archeologists on cities that are underwater now as a result of the melting of the ice at the end of the last ice age. If he's right (and it's still a pretty big if), it's a civilization that is some 6-8,000 years older than any previously known or considered possible.


I suspect Hellman's may be named after the man who invented it? I really don't know though.

"Hellmans" is in there because it give it a spurious credibility like "Boyles' Law" or "Planks Theorem" etc. (Tee Hee).

I checked out the origin of Mayo, and corrected the recipe slightly. The date and place are now in a footnote.

Ben

Not that this is at all relevant, but Mayonnaise was invented on the Spanish island of Menorca in the early 18th Century. King Louis XIV of France sent one of his Generals there to turf out some English who were holding out in a fort at Port Mahon on the island. The French General in question was a rather grand duke who was more accustomed to dining in splendour at the King's banquets than to the measly field rations of your average French soldier on Menorca. Fortunately the duke had his cook with him, who wanted to make a nice sauce to do something to perk up said rations. Trouble was, the only things the cook could find were some eggs and some olive oil. So he beat them together, added a drop or two of piquant wine or vin-aigre, and voila! he had created Sauce Mahonnaise (Mahon Sauce). The cook got back to France, where his sauce was called mayonnaise, and when it then got to Spain again they called it Mayonesa.

There are quite a few other recipes created by French noblemen's cooks on the field of battle. Chicken or Veal Marengo, for example, comes from the Battle of Marengo in Italy (near Turin), where Napoleon defeated the Austrians and so brought Italy into French control. After the battle, Boney sent his cook to find some food for dinner, but all the cook came back with was a chicken, some eggs and some crayfish. He concocted something out of this which ever afterwards was called Chicken Marengo.

And by the way, have you seen the latest research on the Pyramids? It now seems pretty clear that they couldn't have been built by slave labour, as has long been supposed. Apart from anything else, they have now unearthed a large settlement near the Pyramids which evidence suggests was for a specialist, elite labour colony (experts, not slaves), and anyway they would never have given slaves the great honour and privilege of building such important religious structures.

Bels

Pretty common knowledge that Egypt wasn't a country that used slave labor to build the pyramids, I thought...
I'll leave Ben to comment on the invention of mayonaise. This may wreck a perfectly serviceable theory, you know.

I think Ben's already taken on board the true origin of mayo.

I think Ben's already taken on board the true origin of mayo.

Hi Ben,

I loved it! I have however, a few small teenchy weenchy questions.

If the creation of mayonnaise is, as you say, impossible (and your description of it does make it seem so), then would it not be just as impossible to conceive of this at any stage in human history, both in the future and the past? That, no matter when mayo is invented, it would be an astounding leap of the imagination?

Also, if the presumption is that this cook got the recipe from someone in our future, where did the person in the future get the recipe? If the future time cop got the recipe ultimately from the French cook, then the logic becomes circular, and God invented the recipe in the absence of anyone else. Hence, proof of God's existence.

Finally, if the time cop is from Universe 2 (which has invented mayonnaise and time travel among other things) and comes back in time to our universe, Universe 1, (which would never have invented mayonnaise only for the fortuitous arrival of the time cop) the question you have to ask is WHY? A kitchen in 1756 (or whatever)Seems like a rather mundane way of spending your hols!

Woodpigeon

Um.

Quite.



My preference is for a beautiful 25th century temporal agent who is trapped in the 17th Century (is it? or the 18th?) She helps out the cook by whipping up some mayonnaise, without realising that she is the first person to do so in this time continuum.

Then the cop is sent back to delete history from this continuum, and therefore from his. But he just can't bring himself to do so...

But you are right about the conundrums, they do tie us all into knots, don't they?

Glad you liked it

Ben

Hi agcBen,

I like this piece and I think I can see why you decided to put it into PR in spite of the fact that you can hardly consider it a really essential entry in the edited guide. I don't think you'll be shocked or even mildly disappointed if i suggest that it won't end up there...

one little typo for you: civiliation. Actually, it sounds like quite a good word... maybe, making a rude person civil, kindalike elocution lessons but to teach common civility. Not treating supermarket cachiers like s**te; giving passers-by a cheery smile and an appropriate greeting rather than spitting right in front of where they are going to walk and blocking the rest of the footpath, that kind of thing.

Going back to why you put it in PR, I am guessing you wanted feedback and/or an audience and felt that you wouldn't get one anywhere else. This is a sad reflection on the failings of the Alternative Writing Workshop at Writing-Alternative. It is supposed to provide a forum for discussing exactly this kind of fun but interesting creative writing. But unfortunately there's not much action in the threads.

I vaguely think you must be aware of AGG-GAG and the column in the Post... if not, you might like to check it out. I would love to include this piece in AGG-GAG if you would be interested.

Equally, I'd love to be able to say, "Bring this one over to the AWW, lots of people who like this kind of thing will read it, love it, and comment in the threads there." But I'd be telling porkies.

There is a thread about this shortcoming somewhere, but I don't have the link to hand. Suffice to say that Bossel has been on the case. Does he get paid for this stuff?

So, just to say I love the ideas you are talking about here; I will be trying to make my own mayo some day soon, thanks to your clear explanation of how to do so (is this a 'how to make quick and easy home made mayonnaise' entry that you got bored with and decided to liven up with a time-travel twist? If so, it's a good one! )

Btw, is there an eg entry on mayo to link to?

Thanks for livening up my morning,

seeya
spiff

Thought about it long and hard.
Whilst this theory is undoubtedly appealing to Jean Claude Van Damme fans , I think that actaully the 'sudden' occurence of mayonnaise is probably due to a rogue Procrastinator 'dumping' some time which happened to include the goopy mess we call mayonnaise...
.

OK:

First: the logic is sound. See "The Very Slow Time Machine" by Ian Watson for a time machine which gets itself invented by having the "pilot" go back to before it was invented and explain to the people back then how to build it.

Second: has anyone actually TRIED making mayonnaise? Try it, and get it wrong the first time (i.e. do what you'd naturally do unless you KNEW you shouldn't). You'll look at this entry in a whole new way once you've thrown a gloopy mess in the bin...

As far as being Edited Guide material - I've said this before, and I'll probably say it again: if my description of the ancient martial art of Run-Lak Fekh can get it in, this certainly should!

H.

My one objection to this article is that it reads like an argument from incredulity (much like those often used by creationists) - I can't imagine how/why something came about, therefore it's proof of this much more complex proposition.

Time travel is much more easily *disproved* by the Fry Conjecture that states that if time travel were to exist, someone would travel back in time and kill Esther Rantzen, but she's still alive, so it's obviously never happened.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/death/stephenfry.shtml

I used to work with someone who thought that Esther Rantzen was sexy. I don't think he was alone; I've met others since. It's a funny old world isn't it!

I know that ancient people (eg Brazilian forest dwellers) when asked how they discovered medicinal properties of certain plants, replied that the plants told them. They 'journeyed' into the plants in an altered state. Can't imagine journeying into an egg to get mayonnaise, though.

I like this piece.

My other half says never mind Esther Rantzen - Fern Brittain would be a primary target!

And I like this piece too. I'd be interested to know of any substantive objections to its being put in the Edited Guide, because I think it should be there yesterday!

H.