The (does it have to be dirty?) Limerick
Created | Updated Jan 26, 2005
The following limericks, and those found in the conversations below, are all attempts at having "clean" limericks. Not always possible to pull off, but at the very least we try our d****est ;-)
Past Limericks
There once was a young woman from kent
who's morals were slightly bent
Whenever she clasped her hands
she delighted all of her fans
By stopping and saying "Bugger you, gents"
There once was a man from Nantucket
who went to the doctor and told him to tucket
but the doctor misheard,
the man's words being rather slurred,
and cut it off and chucked it!
There once was a dog from Poughkeepsie...
Who's owner was a lovely young Gypsy
One night she fed him goulash,
But ended feeling foolish
so they drank some wine and got tipsy!
There once was a doll from Detroit,
who's speech was rather adriot
she was considered bright and witty,
which is really quite a pitty,
because she was really born in Beloit!
Old Paddy McDougal of Dublin,
knew many a' folk in Lublin,
he liked to make crank phone calls,
rob old women of their shawls,
but his soup pot was always bubblin'!
Carmen Miranda went down to Rio,
to escape allegations of relation to Miss Cleo
but she turned right at Panama
and she lost her camera,
Now she's married to Mr. Castillo.
Pauly O'Brien married in Taiwan
a cute little dancer from Hong Kong
The scandal was international
and the gossips were being irrational,
if quite intentional,
some people just don't know right from wrong
There was a young sailor from Greece
who sailed in search of the Golden Fleece
he sowed some teeth and yoked some bulls,
and applied plenty of pitch to his ships' hulls,
which helped him get rid of the gulls,
And had adventures that never cease.
Patty Laboule was born in Voulez Vous,
her husband yelled: Couchez avec nous!!,
when he bought her a croissant,
she said: C'est pas bon,
mais je préférerais deux!
Mark Finn was born into sin
and spent his finer days in a bin,
He died one spring day
in quite an olde fashioned way,
By getting uncommonly thin
I once found a poodle in a boat,
attatched to its neck I found this note:
To whom it may concern
my owner will pay for my return,
if you deposit me in his moat
Eating pretzels on a summer Sunday
putting the car in third as I drive my Hyundai,
the car's air conditoner is on the fritz,
Do you know how much CO2 this AC emits?
For my pretzels won't last till Monday.
A flower of any other hue
than this sickly colour of blue
would be too good for my wife
I don't want to cause any strife,
(besides: I've got a sharp knife)
But I hate how that woman chews!
Paul thought his shoes explainitory,
when asked if they were his he answered in the negatory,
instead he pointed at his socks
which he kept in a box,
and found the question highly discriminatory.
My smelly old cat is lost,
I wish I could recover me costs
he cost me a small fortune to train,
to bite poodles and maim
those reading poems of Sir Robert Frost
I woke up from a fantasy
that I was a character in Homer's Odyssey,
them Greek ladies really made me weak,
if only I could get me a kiss on the cheek
and never again have to sail upon the sea.
The Bradys slept in a double bed,
yep, just count 'em, all eight heads,
The strictest rule they kept,
at least while they all slept,
was to follow if any of them led
An apple fell off of a tree
and landed smack! on my bad knee,
I hollered and cursed,
the pain couldn't be any worse,
that's what I get for havin' something for free.
Carter Kreutz went searching for his roots,
and found a great uncle who once made boots,
he made several inquiries
and read lots of diaries
and found it wasn't worth two hoots.
Jill and Bill
1
, who lived under a hill,
would do anything to give them a thrill
they placed ads in newspapers far and wide
looking for people to stand by their side
they weren't strange or kinky, just run-of-the-mill.
I once owned a horse with no name,
it was ugly, old and lame,
but that didn't deter it
from throwing a big fit,
regarding its lack of much fame.
Two rhinos and a kakapo
were fined for driving too slow,
the officer exclaimed:
it would help if you refrained
from cruising with the bobo.
This song is stuck in my head,
ever since the moment I got out of bed
it's by that annoying pop star
wish someone ran him down with his car,
So we'd be grateful and he'd be dead.
The strawberries are late this year
and I do so long for a beer,
There's so much I lack
what I need is a good plan of attack,
to help dispell my fears
Every day I enjoy a cup of yogurt,
It soothes the pain from many a hurt
Help finish the latest lymerick!
Contributors
Garius LupusFraulein Grafenburg
PhilFogg
Past Conversations
Conversation 11Due to the wonders of simulposting, this particular limerick had not two, but three divergences.
Jill and Bill, who lived under a hill,
were known for popping the occasional pill,
their favorites were always small, round and pink,
that have an astounding effect when you blink,
they bought so many their bank account was nil.
Jill and Bill, who lived under a hill,
once upon a time, did it in a mill
when on came a bright white light
that shattered the mood that night
not before it caused a mighty spill.
Jill and Bill, who lived under a hill,
were known for popping the occasional pill,
their favorites were always small, round and pink,
that have an astounding effect when you blink,
they bought so many their bank account was nil.
Jill and Bill, who lived under a hill,
once upon a time, did it in a mill
when on came a bright white light
that shattered the mood that night
not before it caused a mighty spill.
