University of Birmingham Hockey players- why they should be shot.
Created | Updated Feb 19, 2002
The main vermin present in the student residences at the University of Birmingham are not rats as one might imagine but BIRMINGHAM UNIVERSITY HOCKEY PLAYERS. Their mere existance is an offence to creation and need to be eradicated.
Here are some reasons why they should be exterminated.
1) THEY ARE NOT VALUE FOR MONEY. For the amount of money they get from the Guild Sports Association they actually win very little in the way of trophys. Smaller teams like the Archery club and the fencing club that keep on winning at both at BUSA and other events they represent outside the BUSA competitions but actually get 25p per athlete.
2) THEY USE TOO MUCH SPACE: For a sport that is actually little played except by Hockey players they seem to spend a disproportionate amount of time on the astroturfs as opposed to other sports teams. They seem to live nd breath their sport and if they actually stopped playing for 2 days they would suffer psycological withdrawral symptoms
3) BAD STYLE: Hockey players do not actually have normal skin. We believe their hockey coats (sponsered by ARTHUR ANDERSON) and uni colour socks are grafted to their skin at birth-what other reason can there be for them wearing it around university all the time? I went to the venice carnival once and I actually saw much to my disbelief someone wearing a UNIVERSITY OF BIRMINGHAM arthur anderson hockey coat. It stuck out because everyone was wearing costume and they were wearing what appears to be their university skin. Christ I mean IN ANOTHERV COUNTRY AT ONE OF THE BIGGEST FANCY DRESS PARTYS IN THE WORLD-theres just no hope for these guys.
4) UNHYGENIC. If you go to the Gun barrels on the bristol road in Birmingham you can almost guarantee that any vomit in the toilets (men or women)belongs to a hockey player or a rugby player.
5) INBREEDING. Why are there so many hockey teams at birmingham uni? My theory is that for over one hundred years the sons of hockey players (the men and women teams intermarry) have sent their children to the same university-hence reinforcing the hockey gene pool at the university. This can only end tradedy.
6) PSYCOLOGICAL PROBLEMS: At the AU ball every year the dinner speech always reflects some kind of 'sportism 'against Loughbourough university which have been BIRMINGHAMS closest sporting rivals. But invariably the person that gives the speech is a hockey player and the only team that cheers and feverently believes in the "evil loughbourough scum" are infact the hockey players.
THEY ARE ABNORMAL, PSYCOLOGICALLY UNBALANCED AND FRANKLY EMBARASSING. THEY SHOULD BE ERADICATED OR USED FOR EXPERIMENTATION TO ADVANCE HUMAN SCIENCE (though being subhuman the results would be of little value, rats are infact more usefull...)
