This researcher gives no advice on whether sulking is healthy or not. But since it is common human behaviour, it perhaps needs to be looked at in some detail.

Definitons of sulking

According to Webster's Dictionary, to sulk is: To be in a sullen mood and tend to shun others.

It goes on to define sullen as: Showing ill-humor, as from dwelling upon a grievance.


Psychologist John Gray attributes a different style of sulking to each gender, but also acknowledges the potential for role reversal; that a man may quite normally demonstrate feminine characteristics, and vice versa. In the following passages he never refers to this behaviour as sulking, but the similarities are evident.

When a (man) gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him... Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution... He becomes so focussed on solving this problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.

When a woman goes into her "well" she is consciously sinking into her unconscious self, into darkness and diffused feeling... She may feel hopeless, thinking she is all alone or unsupported.

Again we see the trait of letting oneself be weighed down by grievances into a sullen state.

Reasons for sulking

Far be it from anyone to list here the infinite reasons one could have to sulk. However, there are some common demoninators among all those themes.

• Feeling put upon or oppressed
• Feeling ignored
• Feeling ashamed
• Feeling embarassed
• Feeling in the way

In many of these cases the sulker sulks either to become more or less noticeable, depending on what they think the best solution may be to how they are feeling. With this in mind, we can see how best to go about sulking.

How to sulk successfully

Your sulk is therefore designed to make your feelings noticed, or to make yourself invisible, according to personal preference.

Remember that the Public Sulk is not the same as the Complaint. A sulk is an act of sullen behaviour and weighted silences, indicative of your tumultuous thought processes.


The Private Sulk should serve to make you as small a part of the world as possible, in order to have maximum effect. The golden rule is that the only thing noticeable about you should be your absence. Meanwhile you are somewhere else nursing your pain.

Places for sulking

When seeking a place to sulk, bear in mind what kind of sulk you are trying out.


The Public Sulk, should that be your cup of tea, should be a pointed silence. Make sure it is performed before the people who have caused you your pain, lest your sulking fall on unsympathetic ears who feel they are taking the brunt of something for which they are not responsible.


The Private Sulk requires more thought about the location. Find a place where you feel no one will ever find you, or where you feel you can hold fort, in order to achieve a total sense of security.

The Silver Lining