Prescott? He Doesn't Deserve Those Boxing Gloves...

What ho, welcome, greetings and salutations all! You find yourselves reading Ask Prof, that bi-weekly science column with a twist. Sorry, that should be plural. I believe that today is also a cause for celebration, as not only is this a week where this article is featured, but it is also the Post's second birthday! I have not been writing for said entertainer of the thousands for very long, so I will forego the potted history of such, but I would like to thank everyone working on the Post for a truly excellent service these past years, most especially Shazz, the editor, whom I owe great thanks for putting up with my terrible schedule. Thank you, and happy birthday to you all!

I've had news from San Beta this week, the GalaGroup I so justly rule, regarding the activities of some of my rivals and associates. As you should all well know by now, San Beta is headed by the great Multi-Galactic Government thereof, which, in turn, I am the head of. I am not the only person ever to seek the title of GalaGroup Overseer, though I am the first and only so far to achieve the rank. I know of many competing wannabe, if I may use that term, Overseers, but have until now always managed to keep them at bay, and win the public's voting spirit. The news I have received this week gives me great hope for a third term. (I'm currently in my second term, as you'd know if you're an avid follower of Ask Prof.)

You see, what I have heard is that a group of my rivals had joined together to form an alliance against my good self. There was nothing wrong with this, of course, as doing such a thing is perfectly legal as long as they elect their own ruler who would take the position they were after, viz. mine. I won't mention his name as it would hamper his chances of success even further, and I am naturally a truly sporting fellow, and would never even think of spoiling his prospects. Anyway, this new band of hopeful politicians decided to drop into a pub in Gamma Town, a small island city of G-Planet, for a quick snifter over which to discuss their plans further. Lo and behold, who should also find themselves in the very same pub, but my most trusted associates in the Government, the Heads of Departments.

At first both parties tried, with some mild success, to avoid and ignore each other, but as you can no doubt guess, such civilities could not be sustained for long. I'm happy to say that it was a rival of ours who made the first audible insult to the other group. I'm unhappy to say that it was a companion of mine who threw the first punch, if you could call it that. (Most species with eight fully functional arms are not very quick with their movements.) The Head of Trade, who I will also fail to name for his reputation's sake, was the one, which may not be surprising to some of you, as I voiced my first impressions of him in the Journal Entry regarding my winning of the last GalaGroup Elections. Other Heads involved in the subsequent brawl included the Head of Customs, Head of Communications and Head of Foreign Affairs. The fight was evenly matched, in numbers at least, and I'm very glad to be able to say that my side won!

Of course, both parties are now under temporary arrest in Governmental House. The North-West Tower of the House is basically a detention centre similar to a prison, but it's reserved especially for the high-ranking members of the political scene. The behaviour of the Heads of Departments has truly put my Government and myself to shame, and yet many people all over San Beta are praising their efforts. The rival group is going to be in some serious trouble when I go over there tomorrow to bail the lot out.

Politics really is a gruesome business. The incident I have described to you is only a minor one in a long history of terrible misunderstandings, though thankfully very, very few have ever occurred during my time of rule. The early years of the Multi-Galactic Government of San Beta, in the years I was still on Earth, reading science books and desperately trying to leave the planet, there were high levels of tension between political parties, and the entire system was in turmoil. At another fascinating turning point in my life story, as I was situated within my base on the planet of Vylius-7, I took notice of the GalaGroup and decided to move my base of operations over there, seeing as it was the most technologically advanced group of galaxies in the Known Universe. Upon arrival there, the Head of Science summoned me to his office in Governmental House, where he offered me the chance of competing with others for his position, which he was to retire from the following year.

Having won the title after the by-elections, I delved into the murky depths of San Betian politics, and made some startling discoveries. However, as I was already highly successful in other areas (science being the most prominent example, of course), my ambition for control over the GalaGroup was unsuccessful in clouding my views, and so I brought the discoveries to light, which destabilised the Government enough for me to move up another rank.

This may seem a bit manipulative to you, but no position is attained without some work in the appropriate quarters. Needless to say, my job in the months after my promotion were based in reforming the Government, and setting up a group to regulate things, like an independent body whose job it was to monitor other governments. This was named the GalactiStandards Agency, and my Government were truly shocked when I released the agency from San Beta and set it up on its own. After my ascension to GalaGroup Overseer status, I changed the governmental system completely, and it's now so simple and elegant in design and functionality that I dare not talk about it here for its inevitable comparison to communism, which it isn't. The Earth, and indeed this galaxy of Milky Way, is not prepared for such a system, and won't be for some few millennia.

But, goodness me! What was a humorous description of news received has turned into a telling of my reign over a group of six galaxies. I do beg your pardon. I did have it in mind to talk to you about weapons and defence systems this week, but my rant has gone on too long already, methinks. So, let us go straight on to the letters!

Ah-hah! Ming makes her return this week after a prolonged absence, and heavens, good questions are in abundance. The good Doctor has some good advice thrown at him, and I venture into the unknown to retrieve an answer for MaW. Happy reading!

Greetings, my friend! A fine line up you have for me here, though I did leave one question out. You asked me whether I fully understood black holes, and whether I could explain them to you, and I answer yes to the former and no to the latter. Firstly, for the explanation to be of any use to you, it would require several issues of Ask Prof to cover, and secondly, you know it all anyway. Indeed, believe it or not, Earth-scientists have just about gleaned as much information you can about black holes, apart from their full creation, their demise, and how to protect against them. But that would involve technology beyond your scope anyway, so it matters little at this point. *sniggers*

Your other questions I include answers for, however! As you should know, light travels theoretically in every direction from a pure source, say a star. For that reason, wherever there's any particle at all, light would be reflected and therefore seen. Naturally, where particles are so small that they undersize wavelengths, there will be infinite darkness, considering only the electromagnetic form of light, anyway. Apart from that, however, the darkest place in space I know of in this Universe is spread among the asteroid fields surrounding a remote prison planet in the Andromeda galaxy, destroyed now after the revolt during the Third Revolution. A horrible place. The whole galaxy fears it. So much in fact that they sealed the area in a perpetual blackening field that won't allow for any light within it.

The coolest star I can think of right now is that of the Taribria system. Only two planets orbit this star, and the closest of the two did sustain life until a visiting team of explorers landed on the planet and inadvertently ruined the terribly fragile climate. The life forms on that planet were not very varied in form, being of similar appearance and function to worms on Earth, with some legged varieties like centipedes. Nothing too interesting, though holographic recreations of them can be seen at the Museum of Completely Obliterated Species on Maximegalon, if I've spelt that correctly.

The first noted instance of a true black body - by which I assume you mean the object capable of infinite light absorption, while at the same time disallowing any reflection or emission - was witnessed by my old chemiphysics professor at one of the universities I studied at in order to officially claim my own title of 'Professor'. Many of his counterparts in the physics departments felt it was their duty, and theirs alone, to create the black body, though only this Prof. Catunius realised that the secret lay in the combination of chemical elements with certain physical effects. He created the first black body ever to be recorded under lab conditions, and was credited as the founder of the technology. Sadly, though the theory behind it was most highly praised, its application was disappointing, as its proposed field of use - invisibly technology - still could not be accomplished using infinite absorption.

Hope you all found that interesting. Thank you for your letter!

Good heavens, DoctorMO, this is shocking news! Though I am not altogether fond of the planet - aside from it being the one I was born on - I would never leave in pure despair at society, certainly not as long as there's a chance for putting what's wrong right.

However, firstly, worry not about the Morphs any longer. They were not my fault, though I do not blame you for your thoughts on my connection with them. I do accept the blame for not protecting my Earth-based console with adequate - what is it you call them? - firewalls, and therefore allowing them to take over the column, though I never rest as long as they are able to truly take over the Earth.

I understand your viewpoint about general Earth society not understanding your connections to the rest of the Universe. I only dare to speak of San Beta and the rest of the highly advanced Universe on h2g2 and other Internet mediums, as I too believe that the rest of the planet would shun my ideas (though I have the power to prove it to them). Do not leave Earth, rather stay and continue to use the Internet, perhaps even more than you currently do.

I certainly hope my advice helps your predicament of thought. Thank you for writing to me about it.

Please note, everyone, that MaW did ask me to pass this message along to any Morphs I might find for some answering. I took a quick trip though my Dimension byPasser to a fresh reality, and lo and behold, I discovered a Morph scout ship investigating the surrounding area. I disabled the ship quickly, hopped on board, and had a word with the ship's captain. I informed him about the previous discourses of their Dimensional Equivalents here in this reality, and then got him to answer the message. I had to edit out the perpetual insults and curses thrown at me by the Morph, but here is the reply:

'We continue to believe only in science, technology, not this mystic hocus-pocus of yours. We think it will be ourselves who will be overcome with mirth when we extinguish your beliefs - and your lives! Your threats frighten us not, though no doubt you are currently trembling uncontrollably at the thought of us returning to your world.

' Furthermore, this Ministry is not hidden. Nothing hides from us, when we lie in orbit over a planet! Our technology is inferior only to the Professor. The great Master Brain sees to that. Praise be to the Mas-'

I apologise for the relatively short reply he made, but I had to kill him at that point and teleport out of the ship, as a load of guards entered the control room. He did say more, but, as I've said, most of it was cursing in my general direction.

I too laughed at the idea of them finding the Ministry. In fact, I laugh at the idea of them finding anything on Earth that's found within h2g2 - they simply can't understand the concept of a virtual community. Hey ho, they'll learn some day, I'm sure. Maybe. Perhaps. Probably not.

Thank you for your message, despite the fact that it wasn't actually aimed at me.

So then, that raps up another jam-packed issue of Ask Prof. Hope you found it interesting. You need only wait two weeks for my return, where I'll be dishing up the dirt on weapons design and defensive systems. Stay turned, my friends, and happy birthday once more!

Yours with tacky party hat,

- Professor Christopher Tonks

Minister for Science & Technology for the Alabaster House

GalaGroup Overseer to San Beta
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