h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A657128

I believe this entry should be edited and inluded as part of the Guide because it spotlights one of the greatest aviators in history who also proved that it is determination and drive that make a person's life and not sex or birth.

You obviously know your subject. I think this will make a great entry. A couple of points - it could do with being in Guide ML, some of the sentences were rather too long, and the Britannica link isn't working. I will return to this one.
Frogbit.

You obviously know your subject. I think this will make a great entry. A couple of points - it could do with being in Guide ML, some of the sentences were rather too long, and the Britannica link isn't working. I will return to this one.
Frogbit.

I think the mother has smothered the baby.
This has a fighting chance if it loses some weight.
It sounds like a dedication speech for a monument.
There are too many commas, too many statements that sound like paperback blurbs or TV listings.
Sure, she's a hero. Sure, it is an interesting life. Sure, the story needs to be told. I am also sure that the reader deserves to be able to enjoy the story without being conscious of the author. Don't make them think about reading. Let them do it.
Now, I know you've worked hard on this. Good.
Keep it up, press onward.
This entry deserves to live.
Let it.

Firstly, I can see you've put an awful lot of work into this one

Secondly, the only reason your Britannica link doesn't work is that you spelt it Brittanica (try it with one T and two NNs and it'll be fine.

I am not an expert on this subject by any means, but I did read up the appropriate entry in Britannica - There is one small inconsistancy with your entry

According to Britannica:

Batten was sent by her parents to England to study music,
but she became intensely interested in flying and
earned a private pilot's license in 1930


Your version seems to say that she was sent to England for the purpose of flying lessons only - I'm not an expert, but Britannica's version seems a little more likely, after all, flying lessons can be had anywhere, good music schools are hard to find.

I could of course be wrong, you're the expert

Finally, the previous comment on this article being too long is not necessarily right, I'm not sure at the moment.
But if you put:

This is an example of a chapter title

around your chapter titles

and

This will appear as a seperate paragraph

around the paragraphs, it'll be a lot clearer to read.

Anyway, enough of me complaining, it really is an excellently researched article, congrats.


whisky

Hi Whisky, Frogbit,

I have converted it into GuideML now, hope it is more readable. I have also corrected the Britannica link. As for the 'Trip To England For Music Lessons' affair, I got slightly different versions in every article that I read and the whole thing appears to be a bit ambiguous in general. This was also the case with information on the various blokes in her life. From the information panels in the Jean batten Pavilion in the Auckland MOTAT Museum(just around the corner from my house ), I decided that she probably went with her mum (as opposed to "sent by her dad") to England so that she could be nearer to the good Flying Schools and the licencing authority. Hard as it is to believe now, it does not look likely that Auckland had good flying schools accessible to the public in those times!

Hi Frogbit, Tonsil,

I agree with your comments about my writing style, which at the moment aspires to be Edaward Gibbon-like (complex and clear with an incisive end), but usually ends up looking more like Adolf Hitler's (turgid, long and wandering, judging by his stuff in "Mein Kampf" anyway). But I am working on it and hope to improve with time ) Please let me know if it is too horrible and I will work on breaking them down further (my work keeps getting in the way of my writing ... took me 6 months to finish this article Besides, I tended to get carried away while writing it ... you have to visit the Batten pavilion to understand why )

Thanks for all your comments and encouragement!

Just had time for a quick peek at this. Will definitely come back for more as I think this is an important subject. My childhood heros included Amy Johnson, Amelia Erhart and Sheila Scott. Jean Batten I only read about later.

For the moment, a small comment to make it more readable. Some of the paragraphs need before them and after them to separate them from the headings. You'll soon get the hang of it - if I did, anyone can!

, so need . Catch up with this one later.

Foxbat - where did the links go?
I thought it read much more clearly since the s and s went in. I would still be tempted to break that 1st paragraph up a little though... It's looking good. Nice and solid.

Well, I went back to your space(s) and read two of your entries from last year. Very interesting subject. The one about the German prosecutor would make a good movie. I was completely unaware of his existence. The Rommel I had already plowed through a couple of books on in Jr. High and have seen one bad movie.
Now, this was after I read the present piece.
Having read the other entries and read the comments, I was afraid I had stepped over the vox populi line and had offended everyone.
Happy to read your comment on my comments.
If you need any help, don't hesitate to ask.

Hi mates,

have updated the entry again. The links are back, the first paragraph broken down and headers nicely seperated from the succeeding paragraphs.

Cheers

IMHO that flows much better. One thing tough, the links appear in the 'referenced entries' pane, but not in the article.

Thanks Tonsil, absolutely appreciate the offer Intend making use of it , as soon as I get some more spare time for writing more stuff.

Hiya Frogbit, I put the refrences within the tags and it shifted it to the panel! Would it be better to put it at the end of the article itself?

Cheers

Editorial Note: This conversation has been moved from 'Peer Review' to 'Hine-O-Te-Rangi Jean Batten : Garbo of the Skies'.

This thread has been moved out of the Peer Review Forum because your entry has now been recommended for the Edited Guide.

You can find out what will happen to your entry here: http://www.h2g2.com/SubEditors-Process

Congratulations!

HOOOOOOY! HOOOOOOOY!

Bravo!

Thanks a lot guys ))

Hi Foxbat - I'll be subbing this one over the next couple of weeks, if you need to say anything we can keep using this thread, or you can start a new thread on my space. I enjoyed reading this one in pr, and I look forward to subbing it.
Frogbit.

Hi Frogbit,

Cheers, mate! Shall we keep using this thread for futture communication? So that everyone who has been involved in this can take a peek and be informed of progress, if any, till it reaches the Guide itself ?

Apologies Foxbat - due to a work overload, I'll not be editing this after all. It's going to be moved from my space and given to someone else. Again, sorry to have messed you about.
Frogbit.