Here kitty, kitty, kitty...

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How to give a cat a pill

  • Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
  • As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  • Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
    arm and repeat process.
  • Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill
    from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left
  • Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
  • Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  • Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
  • Call
    spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
    hold front and rear paws.
  • Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
    firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
    down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  • Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
    note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
    figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  • Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from
    below armpit.
  • Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
    pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  • Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
    take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
    carpet with cold water and soap.
  • Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.
  • Get another pill. Open another beer.
  • Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
  • Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
  • Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
  • Drink beer.
  • Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
    cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress
    to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch
    new one from bedroom.
  • Ring fire brigade to retrieve the ******* cat from tree across the
    road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
  • Take last pill from foil-wrap. Tie the little *******'s front paws
    to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
    heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
  • Push pill into mouth followed by
    large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2
    pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  • Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
    room, sit quiet while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
    remnants from right eye.
  • Call furniture shop on way home to order new
  • Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
    shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

Wrap it in bacon!

Adapted from 'anon' by ni^bor

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