h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The Sticketty Googs of Eshneb - A65099406
Author: OllieP - U14226190

I wrote this story to entertain, amuse and intrigue.

Oliver Percivall

This didn't intrigue, I'm afraid - at least, not me. At least, not yet. It could, though.

I'd recommend that you make it more readable before you write any further installments.

1. Don't assume the reader is motivated to jump in on the adventure. Motivate us by catching our attention. Give us a reason to care about the character and what he is doing.

2. Follow some advice I came across recently - go back and remove all the unnecessary adjectives and adverbs. They get in the way of your story, big-time.

3. Follow the convention of separating the conversations by line. Give each speech a separate line. That way, we can tell who's speaking, and won't have to work so hard. We'll stay with you.

4. Somewhere in this story, you changed to present tense. Stay in one tense.

5. Somewhere in this story, you said someone had a 'bust lip'. This is a break in register. If it were in conversation, you could say it. In narrative, you should describe the injury in another way.

I hope some of this helps with the further writing.

*rolls up sleeves*

First off, I'm not a fiction writer, but I am a big fiction reader so hopefully my comments will still be pertinent.

I agree with the above points, except number one - I'm more than happy to jump straight in and leave the character until later. Just don't leave it much later that this or you'll leave me behind too.

Number two is very true though - the plot is being masked by all the adjectives and adverbs you are using to try and make it more real. Less is very often more.

It's the fight scene where you change tense, where I thought you'd left a place holder - it switches from describing the scene to the reader to issuing stage directions to the stunt men. It breaks the flow and pulls the reader out of the narrative:

"Mompy growled. 'I wonder how funny you think it's gonna be when your sittin' on the floor with a bust ass cryin' like a baby huh? Maybe after I've kicked some reality into your butt your gonna realize'..... A lengthy dual begins. Each fighter refuses to back down and fights with precision and skill."

Use a quote section (possibly italics too?) when you are quoting from the letter.

Once you have edited this to have each person's sentence on a new line, this will be a lot easier to read and to edit.

Once you've made these changes (and I appreciate it will take some time), post here so that we know you're ready for us to have another look.

I enjoyed this opening of a story, and I look forward to findig out the rest of your story. Once we've sorted out the readability issues, it'll be even better.

Thanks Dmitri very helpful points here.
Regarding separating the conversations on each line, this was already done on my writing software just didn’t transfer this way when pasted into this post. Amended now cheers for that.
The other issues will be addressed. Very kind of you to point them out.
Regards

Thanks Vip, these will be very helpful. All will be addressed.

cheers

This could be an exciting story but it does need editing.

I agree with Dmitri that you could cut all the adverbs and some of the adjectives. For example, in the first two sentences you have both 'excitedly' and 'excited'. Then you use 'carefully' twice in one sentence.

I think it might increase suspense if it was harder for Jake to get into the gorge.

I agree with Dmitri about the need to develop characters. Jake starts out like a naive teenager - which is fine- but, during the fight scene, he starts talking like a kind of American gangster. I would make Jake's speech consistent.

Thanks all for your constructive and helpful comments here.
I have addressed these now, and made changes as suggested including removing many unnecessary adverbs and adjectives, separated the conversations by each line and correcting some past/present tense issues.
I hope this makes for a more engaging and easy read now.
I will be happy to accept any further comments anyone may have.
Cheers again

I'm sorry but I still don't think the dialogue works. Would a naive teenager really talk to an older man with a weapon in the way Jake does?

The line 'The same place you did' to me implies that Jake has had a lot of training for combat somewhere and so isn't so much of a naive teenager. It may be that the earlier dialogue needs to be changed to match, rather than making the later dialogue younger-sounding.

I also have concerns about a gun fight lasting more than two shots and not resulting in anyone's death.

I've had an attempt at editing this for Ollie and I'm just waiting for him to get back to me.

Thanks for the points raised.
You are indeed correct Vip, Jake has had a great deal of combat training using a Charat, and it is when he says 'Same place you did' that implies this. This experience is revealed in the next chapter when Mompy explains the message from Jakes uncle.
The Charats are in fact sword like weapons, not guns which I hope explains why no one dies after the fight.
The editing you have suggested Vip is excellent. I will go through it this evening and respond...Thanks a million.

Ah-ha! Excellent. I like swords.

I look forward to hearing from you (when you are ready).

Ollie and I have worked together on some editing, so we should have sorted out the majority of the formatting, some text and a bit of dialogue. It should at least be easier to read now.

If anyone wants to have another read through, I'm sure Ollie would appreciate it.

As of this week I have completely re written the opening chapters to this story. You will see them posted at the same link as before.
I welcome all comments.

Many thanks for reading.

Ollie

Meant to post last week when I read this, Ollie.

I really enjoyed it. Yes, it *still* has too many adjectives 'overcast overhead' etc

Really looking forward to reading more.

Hey thanks so much Magwitch, I'm pleased you really enjoyed it. I also take on board your point on adjectives.
Well the entire novel is nearly finished now...I'd love to post more here on H2G2 but that may be asking a lot of the reader!

Ollie

This now has promise as the beginning of an exciting story .

However, do strip out the excess adjectives and adverbs. For example, the phrase "His auntie he thought had instinctively guessed," really only needs to be " His auntie had guessed."