h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A626014

This is my first guide entry ready for submission (I hope). I would like feedback on whether it is suitable, informative and entertaining enough as a fairly random topic for the guide. Constructive criticism always welcome. If I've made any mistakes, please point them out.

[HP}=~~

I like the idea of this Entry. I have seen the Drinking Birds and wondered how they could manage to keep drinking even longer than me!

A little editing is required, however. The opening section in particular will need to be rewritten, because it contravenes the rule in the Writing Guidelines ( http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/Writing-Guidelines ) against writing in the first person. To be honest, I think most of that section could be cut. A Guide Entry about the Drinking Bird doesn't really need to explain how you got your own DB. What does matter is explaining what the Drinking Bird is and how it works, and you've done a good job of that.

I would also suggest breaking up some of the longer paragraphs. Big chunks of text can look a bit forbidding. And just one other small thing - use single quotes instead of double ones. That's just an Edited Guide style thing.

Good luck with this Entry, anyway. It is an interesting read, and I don't think it needs all that much work to become Guide-worthy!

Thankyou! I'll work on that right away.

[HP}=~~

Okay, made the necessary changes, including a whole new introduction here's hoping!

[HP}=~~

That's much better!

The only mistake I can see is in the sentence: '...a toy that can dumbfound those unaware of the principals behind it', where it should be 'principles' not 'principals'. I would also advise starting a new paragraph a couple of lines after that, with 'The drinking bird, as its name suggests...', so the intro isn't all one long block of text.

After that, I reckon this is ready for Peer Review!

Editorial Note: This conversation has been moved from 'The Writing Workshop' to 'The Amazing Drinking Bird'.

Hi folks,

This Writing Workshop thread has been superceded by a PR thread at http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F48874&thread=140399.