h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: HOMING PIGEON DEVIATES FROM ITS FLIGHT PATH - A84812943
Author: frannie - U14838357

HOMING PIGEON DEVIATES FROM ITS FLIGHT PATH
Years ago, I saw a man jump
in front of a train on the Victoria Line.
Last night, it was if I took a tube ride back
to that day, whilst making my way home,
on the underground in the dark.
With all the other homing pigeons
released on Friday evening
from shops in Oxford Street
and offices in Leicester Square.
On the platform at Kings Cross
I watched as a young man
stepped across the yellow line
preparing for takeoff. Another bird
with broken wings, who’d lost his way.
Oblivious to the flock, which
checked their bearings on mobile phones.
As the train approached,
the tunnel’s mouth exhaled
thick, warm air, unsettling the dust
on my memories of that other crash landing.
I held my breath as I watched him fly home.

I like the poem. Sad, but very effective.

I'd like the title better if it weren't in all caps, I think.

I like this, although it's certainly sad.

I like the image of commuters as homing pigeons and it says enough to be effective without being gruesome.

You could make it a little sharper by taking out some unnecessary words. For example, I would omit 'it was as if' in line 3, and reword lines 12/13 so they read: 'I watched a young man/step".

I also might divide it into two stanzas, making the break after 'Leicester Square'.

I wasn't sure if the young man did actually jump, or whether you are remembering the earlier incident.

Another fine piece of writing from the Frannie pen.

To me, it expresses that fevered Underground-panic sort of feeling. Effective. Edgy.

I love the line about the tunnel's mouth exhaling thick, warm air.

cc