A Conversation for The Eyes of Our Savior

Alternative Writing Workshop: A601192 - The Eyes of Our Savior

Post 1

Deidzoeb

http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A601192

"The Eyes of Our Savior" is personal non-fiction about my grandmother and the portrait of Jesus in her untouchable living room.


A601192 - The Eyes of Our Savior

Post 2

friendlywithteeth

A rare treat! An AWW piece where the author is still active!

I like this one smiley - smiley


A601192 - The Eyes of Our Savior

Post 3

a girl called Ben

Blimey - well excavated fwt!

This is of course excellent Deidzoeb. Moving, visually powerful, emotionally even more powerful. Poignant but not bleak, despite the understatement of the sadness.

It is good, and it is very very nearly perfect.

smiley - crisps

I am going to presume on the strength of our other converstations elsewhere to be far more detailed in my comments than I am with other AWW entries.

The para that begins: "Gramma would sit in a chair and blink." - I would have liked an indication that this paragraph covers a much longer time-span than the first visit. You do say that it does, but it is easy to miss. The "Gradually" is a little ambiguous, and if the wording was "Gradually, over the months..." or whatever I would have found it easier to follow.

"We sit on the plastic-covered couch downstairs." - I had originally thought the plastic-covered furniture was upstairs - could you either change that to " *a* plastic-covered couch downstairs" or tweak the bit about the upstairs room?

smiley - crisps

And now the bit where I *really* tread on eggshells:

"If no one visits that living room upstairs with the portrait of Jesus, will the eyes of her savior ever follow anyone again? Or can He see us through the walls? Can He see Gramma downstairs? Is that person downstairs really Gramma, or has she already gone?

Did He save her from anything? Why didn't He save us from seeing her like this?

Which pair of eyes have less life behind them, those of Our Savior following you around the room, or what's left of Gramma blinking at the ceiling?"

This is so very nearly perfect.... smiley - erm For me, the rhythm of this section could be very slightly stronger. Sometimes when the rhythm of a piece is not working for me, I simply read the piece out loud several times and see what changes.

Would it work better if the sentance which ends "or has she already gone?" read "or has she already gone to him?" or "to her Saviour?" Mind you, those both carry a depthcharge of presupposition with them. smiley - erm again.

Maybe it would work better if all the questions were in one paragraph. Each of them is so valid. And, maybe again... how about putting a question mark after "life beind them?" and then starting "Those of Our Saviour..." as a new question, albeit a fragmented one.

smiley - crisps

I wouldn't comment in such detail if I was not absolutely certain that you have the self-assurance to say 'Ben, you are talking crap, but thanks for your interest' if I am in fact talking crap. I also would not do this if I didn't like the piece enormously. All my comments are stylistic ones after all. (A Danish friend of mine refers to this nit-picking of a piece of writing as 'fly-f**king' which is a fabulous phrase!)

It goes without saying that it is a deeply moving piece, and one which made me think of my own parents.

Thanks for writing it Deiedzoeb, and thanks for digging it up, fwt.

It gets my vote as it stands, btw.

Ben

B


A601192 - The Eyes of Our Savior

Post 4

Deidzoeb

I'm glad you two liked it, but I wrote this quite a while ago and my grandmother passed away last October. Now I have mixed feelings about the piece, all bitchy about christ. I could almost write a rebuttal to myself now saying Christ's phantasmal eyes are a good thing if they helped her feel better. But it's difficult to get a good perspective on it.

Your suggestions would definitely help the piece, Ben, but I'm not sure I'd want this used for UG now. I had submitted it to AWW several months ago (year?) and forgotten about it.


A601192 - The Eyes of Our Savior

Post 5

a girl called Ben

I can understand that. The deaths of those whom we love change the shape of the world for us.

Thanks for writing it, Subcom. And I guess we have answered the procedural thing about what happens when someone writes something they do not want in the UG. If they don't want it in, then it stays out.

And a smiley - rose for your grandmother, and my thoughts for your grandfather.

B


A601192 - The Eyes of Our Savior

Post 6

friendlywithteeth

I like this one too...well maybe like is the wrong word smiley - erm

It is a very fine piece of writing: there was no glaring omission/addition that needs adding, tweaking but then I am learning how to do this!

Gets my nomination too.


A601192 - The Eyes of Our Savior

Post 7

friendlywithteeth

Apologies: smiley - blush simulpost.

I can understand why you don't want this in. But having said that, it didn't seem bitchy to me just...asking questions.


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