h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Can I join please?

I'm considering moving up to Scotland either when I graduate or shortly afterwards...

Please? and all the Scottish hootooer at the London meets are soo nice?

I can't speak for Jamie but if you can do an Aberdeen Triathlon (8 pints, a curry and a fight) it'd certainly help your case

Humm I can manage the 8 pints and a curry, but I'm far too good natured to actually fight with anyone..

Only 8 pints and one curry ... I think that's called a Glasgow half marathon

this is started to sound like excercise we'll have none of that!..

I did once deep fry a mars bar? Does that give me any more Scottish credientials?

Gud grief yes

Do you have a Proclaimers album ?

No, but I don't own any albums, because I don't have a CD player, or a record player, or even a cassette player, so can I be excempt from that one please?

No problemo - that's you and most of the Highlands

Can you answer any of the following ?


WEST COAST QUESTIONS

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for distribution. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

2. Wee Davie reckons he’ll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he’ll have to start buying two fish suppers every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he’d stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they’re winning and every 15 minutes when they’re losing. How many times did they sing it at last season’s Cup Final?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock – and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?


EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter’s friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown’s flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair’s dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?

4. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?

HIGHLANDS REGION

1. After Hector’s death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on the Glenbogle Estate. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Genealogy. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

I'll have no trouble with the first ones, I am from the overspill town for liverpool after all. In fact I quite fancy that part of Scotland because it's like home but without my parents being a short walk away and being able to ask for money in person...

you're looking pretty good for an Honorary membership if it were up tae me.

Where's oor Jamie ?

I feel accepted at last

*waits for Glorious leader to arrive*



*looks at watch*




*taps foot*

*waits with baiting breath*

*runs out of bait and decides to start breathing normally before I turn blue*

Good idea Z .... I've been waiting a year for my move from Oklahoma to Aberdeen to be updated

I noticed that their were no jokes about Aberdeen in that little quiz

Have anuther look - there wis one that came in the boys gate at the end .... something to do with

oh yes..

Jamie!

That'll bring him running.

Oi Jamie ! Here boy .... come and geddit

He must be getting too much Christmas cheer or something.