From Our Correspondant
Created | Updated Nov 10, 2005
So the presidential elections are upon us, and you as a good H2G2 voter need to know who/what you're voting for, which could change drastically if you are a badger lover or a hegemony smasher. Stop reading now if you are sane... this is politics you should have check your brain at the front page.
This is a very,very rough guide to the main movers and shakers. A brief summary of the nominee and a quote from them on 'what would you do if you got elected?'. Sadly I left it very tight to the deadline to go quote hunting and a few nominee's didn't get a chance to me one, so here is probably the gist of what they would say... *clears throat*... 'Vote For ME!'
Now, if you are wondering who is a big favorite, you should toddle on down to the Thingites Anarchocrats Party, headed by Clive, the resident H2G2 flying ostrich. The Thingities technically command a voting base of over five hundred researchers. The Anarchocrats main aim is to change the name of 'Thursday' to 'Thing', and should you vote for him he will use his position of power in the slightly off colored white house to further his cause. With this agenda he has made some powerful enemies... namely a god. On last reports from Valhalla, Thor (aged 12987760) was not a happy camper thunder god. So if you do vote thingitie avoid all thunder storms... and Scandinavian looking gods!
The original favorite, and proclaimed King of H2G2, 2legs has survived his own Monster Raving Badger Party arguing over burning witches, and his former M.R.B Party member ,Serephina, forming a political off shoot party, They're Not People They're Hippies! Party. But still 2legs is there, even after some very suspect pictures were found, he is still a contender.
Another vast H2G2 grouping is the Masters of the Multiverse, who have put forward their own candidate Jack and his 'This is not a mad take-over scheme' Party. Jack is an all around nice guy... then again they do say nice guy's finish last. I think his own political advertisement say's it best. 'Four Legs Good; 2legs better, Jack's the best. Vote Jack.'
'Please see my manifesto its what we stand for and explains this' - Jack
If you are going by past elections to vote for you're favorite, then surely None Of The Above would win hands down. After technically wining the US presidential elections and also the UK general elections, getting a massive 8,226,243 votes. He along with a few others are going with the apathy vote.
Next to get a mention is Fords. Fords is running for the 'Party Round My Place' Party. Her promise of having a party round her place will have all the H2G2 partyphilics voting for her, but she could lose the votes from people who like a nice book and a cuppa. She should also lose the all important wolf vote with her legalizing wolf hunting promise.
If you like smashing Hegemonies, namely 2legs hegemony, then maybe the right vote is a Reddyfreddy vote. Allot of the younger voters should be voting for Reddyfreddy and his Trin Tragula Party, after point eight in his manifesto is banning homework. A clever ploy to pull in the teenagers. He also appears to have a few Real political agendas aswell... but an election is neither the place or time for Politics.
'Smash the 2legs hegemony! Vote for me!
Obviously.' - Reddyfreddy
Next in this never-ending list of nominations is Terran. Having the support of the terranic army is a valuable voting life line, and all lurkers and weirdo's, that's most of H2G2 then, will find a comfortable home at the Perfectly Normal Party's HQ. Oh and The Posts' very own Reefgirl is the Campaign Manager, so this newspaper maybe censored so as to keep out negative things about the Perfectly Normal Party like... THIS PART OF THE ARTICLE HAS BEEN CENSORED PLEASE GO BACK ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS... which actually isn't true but if it was... phoawer!
'I would ensure that the real ruler of universe is cared for' - Terran
Next on the this never-ending list... did I mention it's really long... is Serephina and her 'They're Not Hippies They're People' Party. Originally a M.R.B party member and a right hand woman to 2legs, she broke away after a party split over the idea of burning witches. Serephina also will lose the all important wolf vote after pledging to legalize wolf hunting. She also kinda likes badgers but enjoys smashing the odd hamster. She is very much so at odds with the Thingities, wishing that Thursday will long remain. Getting the young teenage boy's vote is obviously high on the agenda, promising a snog AND more smut of H2G2... well there goes my vote.
'Why I'd be prez of course
' - say's Serephina, the cheeky monkey.
A new candidate, so new I didn't even have time to ask for a quote is Dragonqueen. Dragonqueen's manifesto is clear.. Dragons rule... all other lifeforms drool in some way. This is quite obvious as the name of the party is 'Why worry?... Dragons are born rulers' Party. Should get the dragon vote... maybe not the strawman vote or the oily rag vote though!
Mina is the next candidate. Her 'I Haven't Got Time For This' Party.
She is having huge gains among the biscuit lovers, with her promise of free biscuits. Besides that, she doesn't have enough time to be doing this.
'Have a MASSIVE party with
and
and invite everyone.' - Mina
Next is that wily cat Black Leopard and 'The Lemming Party'. BL is a staunch pro-Thursday supporter and a Lemmings lover, the practice of giving out free drinks seems to be going down well. A disappointing large amount of togetherness and consolidarity in this party. A major lack of scandal. Anyway the extremist Restite vote could certainly head in BL's direction considering the fact that at the HQ it say's 'EVIL Th*ngities'. Watch this space. A dark horse, or more correctly, a black leopard in this election.
'I would create a fair democratical system and enforce equality for Lemmings!' - Black Leopard
Next on this ever increasing list is Joe C. Amazingly Joe C doesn't want your vote, infact he hates it, 'Ohhh Yucky vote' he might say if you tried to give him your vote, ironically probably would get elected if he can find a running mate before he is disqualified. He is also pro-Hypatia.
'Party; eat
; delegate all of my presidential duties onto someone else.' - Joe C
Speaking of Hypatia, who is running for the Ozark Party. Hypatia has 58 supporters on Ozark HQ, a very popular candidate, and I can vouch for this, and is actually true compared to most fo the rest of this article, is a nice person. Should get the Hillbilly vote as that is the point of the manifesto. Anyhoo vote Hypatia if you want to see a new and improved H2G2... possibly involving banjo music.
'Be available to researchers to discuss community issues; lobby the italics.' - Hypatia
Gnomon, an H2G2 legend in his own right with over 100 edited guide entries. Gnomon is pushing for the beard vote, making wild claims against Dubya, ripping into the US president for lacking a beard. Vote Gnomon, Vote beard.
'As the voice of reason, I'll ensure that the site is not over-run with badgers.' - Gnomom
Here they come, The Murray The Sasquatch league, headed by Darth Zaphod, and supported by the Random Quotes Guild. Zaphod and his running partner Chauncey should lose the pre nine vote, they stand for eating everything on a plate, even the veggies! On the other hand if you are a monkey, this is the party for you... also if you are a paperclip vote Darth Zaphod.
'If elected, I would jump for joy and give hugs to all.' - Darth Zaphod
Last but not least is The Rev Jack Russell and his Black Socks and Sandals party, he recently got a running partner in the form of wildsupersonic... but still dosent have a campaign HQ... so ahh ... yah thats about all I know...
"I would like to ensure world peace!" spakes ye reverende.
Let me remind all nominees that your party political broadcasts need to be ready by 30/9/2005 and posted on the Campaigning and Canvassing Page. You have been warned!
