A Tale of a Tail

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Heh-heh. Bet you didn't see that one coming, eh? I'm faster than a speeding bullet, me...heard that somewhere. Must be from inside the 'partments, come summer they're noisy.

I pick stuff up, y'know.? You just think I'm an airhead. I'm no space cadet.

Boiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! See that? Now ain't that Olympic form? Round and round the tree branch, don't fall off once. Didn't even have to practice that move. It just came to me, y'know? The secret's in the tail. You think all that fluff's just there for pretty? Goan.

I love bark...no, not bark-ING. Dumb doggie-doggie, bark your fool head off, you're on a leash and you can't catch me, I'm up the bark on a tree, and you're barking up the wrong tree...heh-heh...cos I jumped, you see...see me fly, my, oh my. Heh-heh.

Bark-bark...smooth bark, rough bark, flaky bark...what's that you say? I ain't flaky. Flaky's my cousin Jer over by the pond. He fell in. Made the ducks laugh, quack, quack...hey lookit, watch me...up the trunk, thick branch, thin branch, little branch, think I can't stand on a twig?

I can stand on a twig. For a nanosecond, anyway...aaaaaaaaaaand....JUMP.

Wow. Sometimes I even amaze myself. Bluuuuuuuuuurp! That's me being amazed at myself.

What's it all about, Alfie? Nuts.

Nuts, seeds, whateveryoucallem. Gotta have 'em. Gotta eat 'em. Gotta gnawgnawgnaw....an' iffen I don't, pard-ner, me tooth-uls'll grow too fast. Sad, that, when the tooth-uls grow too fast, gettin' long in the tooth? Nah, not me. I'm a gnaw-deer. Gnaw-dear. Get it? Heh-heh.

Call me a tree-rat, would ya? Polititickal IN-correctness. Go wash out yer mout'.

Uh-uh. Miss Bossy Britches is out on her porch. Black cat. Pointy ears. Atty-tude. Lots of atty-tude. She looks at a feller, y'know? Like...if this porch wasn't screened-in, you'd be breakfast. Or lunch. HUH. I'll show her. Watch my fancy footwork...

Up the tree. Down the tree. Just to head height, you understand. Looooooooooook her in the eye, Miss Bossy Britches Kittycat. Now here comes the good part....waaaaaaaaait for it...At one and the same time (ain't I amazing?) I....

Rotate my bee-YEW-tee-full flooffy tail in a clockwise manner, making complete circles...betcha can't do that, kitty, kitty, betcha betcha...aaaaaaaaaand....let out my earth-shattering, world-challenging war cry...


Okay. It can only be heard three feet away. So what? A fella can dream. You ain't Tarzan in the shower, buddy-boy?

One more fliiip of my gorgeous Best Feature, and I'm off back to the nest with the tasty pinecone. Can't have my pinecones, Bossy Cat. Mine, mine, all miiiine...

I ain't greedy. I just want 'em all. Iffen I can't eat 'em, I hides 'em. Heh-heh. What's that you say? No. I ain't got it written down on Post-Its. Silly. Can't write. No thumbs. Can't read, neither. It's all up here. (TAPS NOGGIN.) What...? You think I ? Just find 'em? By H'ACCIDENT? How dare you? (AGITATED TWITCHIN' OF B.F.)

Ho-kay. It's a fair cop. But sshhhh...don't tell anybody, okay? I gotta reputation to uphold. Dignity and like that. Whatever. Heh-heh.

Yawn. Sun goin' down, sleepy sun, sleepy me...back to the nest again, snug as a bug in a rug when he dug...tell me a bedtime story. Tell me about what it's gonna be like when I'm full, an' fat'n'sassy, and it gets cold, an' I go find someplace to hide, an' just drift off to sleep f'r'while...

See ya next springtime!

Yaaaaawn....so long, suckers! See yez in the funny papers!

Fact and Fiction by Dmitri Gheorgheni Archive

Dmitri Gheorgheni

19.10.09 Front Page

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