h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Editorial Note: This conversation has been moved from 'Peer Review' to 'The Writing Workshop'.

hay its in the writing worshop yey

Good things come to those who wait...

I sugest to anyone reading this to read the backlog to get an idea of what has bean said before.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A583049 ( link to entrey )

I've got a few comments to make

The entry needs to be divided up into paragraphs, as when this is in one big clunk of text, it is harder to read.

You say:

'The cost for releasing these boys was estimated at around 5 million pounds'. This is ambigious. Do you mean the cost of release itself (The cost of talking the boys out in a police van), the cost of providing housing, or something else.

'They have been released on life license. (The conditions of which means that they are out on "life license", meaning that they have to not break the law at all ever again.)'

You repeate life license. The conditions of life license cannot be life license, but 'not break the law at all ever again'. 'Also at all ever again' invovles wasted words, you could simply substitute again, so the sentence reads:

'meaning that they have to not break the law again'. Also, this has a split infinitive, it should be 'they have not to break the law again'. Probably this would be better as :

'meaning that they cannot break the law again'. I doubt that life license means that at all. In fact, one source gives this quote from David Blunkett:

"...Thompson and Venables are not free - as I have said they will remain on life licence [parole] for the rest of their lives and are liable to be recalled to custody at anytime if there is any evidence that they present a risk to the public." -David Blunkett

There are also quite a few spelling mistakes. torcherd should be tortured, for example.

Also, the information on the killing itself should be one paragraph, or at least brought together into one section (under a sub-header or header). The whole entry want to be re-organised, with paragraphs, and headers and subheaders, to split the entry into sections.

I'll make other comments later.

iv took the advice ......

I think you missed my point about life license. The quote from David Blunkett was really to clarify what life license was, rather than to be used in the entry. Also you still have left the description of life license at the end of the second paragraph, as not being able to commit another crime ever, whereas a better description is that they can be sent back to prison if they are thought to present a risk to the public. I would also get rid of the quote from the end of the third paragraph, as it does not really fit.

However, I think the paragraphing is a good start at least.

Also, I have a few other point to make. I would also recommend using GuideMl (There is a guide here http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A187229 ), to make headings, rather than including them in Capital letters.

Also, include the section on THE TRAIL AND SENTSING(The Trial and Sentencing - correct the spelling) as a seperate paragraph.

Web sights should be websites.

how do you get a ballane between the facts and peoples fealings?

I have left the entry for a few months now and have just come back to the entry http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/classic/A583049 and done a bit of a edting process. So have a look and tell me what you think if its no good tell me.