h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hello doctor! Are you free?
My brain itches, and it tastes like purple.
Can you recommend anything?


(BTW, IMHO Dr. Sven Hurdenjurgen has /the/ coolest name on H2G2. I thought the name Ormondroyd was pretty cool, but Sven takes the cake. And the cat. )

Vell, zank you very much. I vas wondering vot I vas goink to do viz zis Practice as ze good Dr. Ity is absent and my regular patients are cured. Vell vell vell. Zo. I am very much hoping zat the itching and the purple do not be becoming into ze taste of tar as zat may need some surgery.
Zo. Purple itching wiz ze flavours. Did your mutter ever do the cooking of purple items? Has your brain ever itched in your sleep? Vot vas ze last dream you had?

tar? I hope that doesn't happen.
I can't remember my mother cooking purple items, or any purple food for that matter. Maybe beetroot?
My brain does get a little itchy in my sleep, but no more than the rest of me does, on a humid night.
I tend not to dream; I think the last time I did I dreamed I was attempting to tooth (http://toothing.proboards28.com/index.cgi?board=tchat&action=display&num=1078412493) but there was nobody around, so I wasn't able to.

It's not contagious, is it?

Zis all zounds quite normal, no you should not worry about the chances of zis sort of zing spreading.
I reccomend a course of therapy and pink pills.
First of all, ve haf to find ze root of ze itching.
Tell me, venn did you start feeling zis way?

Mmm... pink pills.
Er. My brain started itching... let me see... ah yes! Monday. Last year.
And I gradually became aware that it was tasting like purple, not long after.

If it's any help it happened around about the time that I realised I could become a god.

Ach, zo. You believe you can become a God. Zis is all very interestink. Let me see. Hmmm, hmmm yes.
Now which particular deity do you haf an affinity for?
Zis all has an impact on my decision on whether I should lock you up, zo think carefully.

I'm me.
Other gods are themselves.
I can't be them, or they would be me!
And I can't afford to let them be me, or else who would I be?
You see?

Ach, nein. However, zis is a good sign.
I need to feed zi data into mein computer machine and zen we'll have some confirmation on my decision.

That's appropriate... you use your machine to confirm your decision, even though you cannot possible give the machine the full information it needs to know about me in order to make that decision.
If only we could make the machine smarter, so that it /can/ have all the information it needs, what would it do then? Would it make the same decision? Would we need you to be here or should I just 'talk' to the machine?
How do I know this hasn't happened already? Are you a machine? If you were a machine would I be able to tell?

Probably not.

But!... If I were to make a machine which is as intelligent as you or me, then what would it look like? If I made that machine and then let it choose what it looked like, what would it choose?
If it had free will, would it call me god?
If I let it evolve, what would it evolve into?

Is this how life as we know it started, millions of years ago?
Are we machines?

Are you a machine?
Did you change your answer?

Hm.
So what's your decision, doc? Can you cure my brain-itchy?

Zo, vone year of deliberation und I haf ein answer for you.

Zere is no answer and you vill haf to be committed.

You haf to be committed to find ze answer you are looking for else-vere.

I am sorry mein freund.

Ze science of pshychiatry is not so exact, ja?

Ha ha.

So how does zis make you feel, hmmm?