h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Enroll ehh

well it sounds interesting, I want to know more

fill me up on the gory details

See ya around

Researcher Ford

Well here's a list of members that arleady exist (of course, these aren't real people, my creations MWHAHAHAHAHAHHA, ahem.)

Arnie the droid- Engage Recruiting Protocol 6.5T- system commands: Recruit officers for Crime Fighting Unit 6. They must fulfil requirements in accordance with Paragraph A3, Page 456, Section C of Standard CFU6 Regulations. They must be sworn in in accordance with Paragraph 62D Page 678, Section A of Regulations. Members of public up for recruitment should have no criminal record and should be suitably qualified, they should not join in duress, they should be willing, MOPs that have been forced into CFU6 will be entitled to compensation.
"You wanna join Crime Fightin' Unit 6?"
"Er.... no."
"Tough."

Gudgit the bad tempered, homicidal, six armed squirrel (German)
"Vot are you starink at?"

Diffid, multiple personality syndrome. Number of personalities: unknown. A lot.
"I talk to myself all the time," said Diffid.
"Really?" Diffid seemed surprised.
"Yes, really. Unfortunately, unlike most people, I don't know what I'm going to say next."
"That must be awful."
"Well, it's quite interesting really, I can actually argue with myself and I have the most intriguing conversations."
"Do you?" Diffid was engrossed.
"Oh yes," Diffid was quite proud, as if it was an achievement. "I can see both points of view at the same time."
"That must be... strenuous, on the brain I mean." Diffid said, sympathetically.
"Well," said Diffid, "I try not to think about it. I'd just get confused. Then again, perhaps I wouldn't, one of me is very intelligent, my name is Hans and I come from Austria, I think."
"Good grief," Diffid was startled.
"If one of me writes a book, I wouldn't write it in first person, the tenses get very complicated."
"I can see that," Diffid said.

Bing. The man with two heads.
"Hey, I'm hungry!" said the right head.
"I'm not," said the left head.
"We haven't eaten for two hours!"
"Look, " said left, "It's all in your head, pardon the pun, you aren't actually hungry, if you were I would be too, there's only one stomach."
"Perhaps you're only imagining you're not hungry."
"Oh pull the other one, it has got bells on. How can you imagine not being hungry, it's impossible."
"Maybe for you it is," said right, "But we know who has the bigger brain, don't we?"
"We know who uses it more, don't we."
***
"I need a pee."
"Oh good grief," said Left.
"There's a toilet over there."
"Oh must we?" said Left, "Frankly I really don't feel as if I want one."
"I do, I'm nearly bursting."
"But I'm not!" cried Left.
"Yes, well, you have a stronger bladder than me."
"No, " said Left, "we have the same bladder, only I can control it a lot better than you can."
"Yeah... but please, I can't hold on anymore, if we don't go, I'll wet our trousers!"
"Oh all right then."
In toilet.
"Will you look away please?" asked Right.
"For goodness sake, I've seen it all before!"
"You pervert!" cried Right.
"What? It's mine too!"
"Look, just look away, just this once... please?"
"Alright."
***
Nightclub.
"Hey, she's a bit of alright, isn't she, eh?" commented Right.
"I'm sure she's very nice, but I think you are far too drunk to be responsible about her, that, and she isn't my type."
"Oh come off it," said Right, "I mean... look at.... heh heh heh."
"Oh please, you're just being crass," said Left.
"Maybe I'll ask her out," said Right.
"What you can't do that! I'm not spending a night out with her!"
"Not like you have much choice, does it?"
"Please, Right! I don't want to go out with that flouncy blonde! Please Right be sensible, you're too drnk to know what you're doing."
"Heh, heh, heh," sniggered Right.
"Oh for goodness sake!" Left looked very embarrassed about the whole topic of conversation, "I refuse to let you go out with her!"
"Left, it's as much my body as yours, I have a right to use it."
"Yes, but I don't want to be along for the ride," cried Left, sincerely.
"Heh, heh, heh."
"Oh for goodness sake!"

Droid XEZZ- Programme: Contentious Objector
"Open fire! No.. no wait, on second thoughts you had better not."

Droid XEZZ2- Programme: World War II Fighter Pilot (Gung ho)
"Tally ho! Come on chaps, lets show the bounders what for!"
ZAP! ZARG! ZUPPA ZAP ZAPPITY ZAP.
"Argh! They've blown me arms off the dirty swine! Argh. "
ZAPPITY ZARG ZAP ZAP ZAPPITY ZUP.
"Argh! Me leg! I'll show you yet, you dirty-"
ZIPPITY ZAP ZAPPITY ZAP ZUP ZUP ZIP.
"Argh! Me head! I say! Body! Body! Come back here you bounder! Don't wander off, you cad!"

Dave. The disembodied brain.
"Hello again James." The speakers blared all of a sudden. James whirled around and looked at the brain floating happily in the tank of green fluid.
James looked startled, "How did you know..?"
"Well, James, old man, without a body I have few distractions, I am no longer hungry, I no longer need to go to the toilet, I no longer am hindered with sight or indeed movement, or touch, or, well, just about anything really. And this is an amazing release. I can think all I like, and because I have no fingers, my counting ability has been set free, if you will. I have actually found the square root of infinity."
"Really?"
"Oh yes. Also, I am currently honing my telepathic abilities. Currently, you are thinking, "I want to get out of this room right now."
"How did you...?"
"I am cutting out the messy bits of telepathy, all the actual diving in and out of people's minds- far too much bother. I just guess what people are thinking. It astounds me how linear your thought patterns are. By saying certain things I know how to send people down one particular route. Like this: ahem. Do you ever think of eyeball sandwiches with mayonnaise?"
"That's disgusting."
"Bingo," said Dave.

Rolf (The Shadow) professional hacker Age: 13 and a half.
"Hello," said James quietly.
"Alright?" asked Rolf, swinging around in his swivel chair.
"We were, erm, wondering if you would help us?"
"Help you? With what?" asked Rolf.
"A... computer system we would like to, er, break into."
"The word is hack. Not break."
"Ah. Righto."
"And you can stop whispering."
"Oh. Okay."
"So, what level of hack do you want, higher systems? High security? Or do you want me to hack into the lower levels and rip the info from a grunt computer? Lower systems have easier routines but worse results. Can easily hack into an office desktop as there's always one worker playing Doom, or something, if they're using the web then even easier. In-info-out. Without tripping one security protocol."
"Oh...." said James who'd lost the tread on the word systems.

Gumble. Cleaner bot. Personality: Janitor Programme 3
"Gumble?" James inquired quietly.
"Yeah? What do you wunt?" snapped Gumble.
"The mess hall is, erm, looking slightly, how can I put this.."
"It's a dump," said Gumble. "I ain't cleanin' all that filth. You made it, you clean it."
"But your job-"
"My job, young man, is to clean up messes and spillages. The Mess hall looks as if a 6 megaton litter bomb has gone off in it, anf if you're going to take advantage of me, then, frankly, stuff it. I ain't workin' for you."
"But we pay you-"
"You haven't paid me for three and a half weeks."
"Yes, but we've been rather busy. Er, what with the war and things..."
"That's no excuse, clean up your own mess as soon as yer make it, that's what my Lead Programmer always used to install."

Hazmo, pilot with death wish.
"Okay, I have multiple contacts on my scope... oh boy. I have 300 droners coming in, fully loaded."
"Hazmo, this is command, pull back."
"Are you joking? I've got two missiles left, my right engine is down, my lasers are burnt out, I have about a litre of fuel left, and no shield. These are good odds."
"Hazmo, this is command, are you crazy? Pull out, we repeat, pull out."
"Did I tell you I am slightly deaf in my right ear, are you saying attack?"
"PULL OUT HAZMO!"
"Oh, so you are asking me to attack. Your wish is my command, command."
"HAZMO! PULL BACK!"
"Auf wiedershin, command."

Captain Clifford. Hologram. Dead (yes it happens on Red Dwarf, but this is different)
"Hello, lads."
"Captain Clifford!?"
"Yes, it's me, Captain Clifford. You all thought I was dead didn't you?"
"Yes, we did, sir, glad to see..."
"Well, I was. Then, the computer decided to bring me back. As a hologram. How kind of it. I mean, most chaps would spend the time after they died in the Afterlife, chilling out with God, that kind of thing. No! I get to continue in my old job! A job, I will have you know, I hate!"
"Oh, well, we, er....." the crew muttered in unison.
"And I see you haven't cleaned while I was dead? Despicable, well, lads, get to it."
***
"You know, Mildred, you'll never guess what happened to me last week," said Captain Clifford on his Deep Space Video Phone.
"What?" asked his wife.
"I died," said Clifford.
Mrs Clifford didn't say a thing, her face was white with shock.
"Yes, that's just about how I felt about it," said Clifford, "Even more surprising is that the ships computer brought me back.... as a hologram. So now, I, a digital creation, has all the memories of the good old flesh and bones captain you married. Isn't that fun? Mildred? Mildred?"
There was a thud as Mrs Clifford hit the floor. She had passed out.
***
"Well, I knew him, the deceased, very well," said the Captain. "He died, while stumbling along a smoke filled corridor, carrying Ensign Perkins over his shoulders."
Ensign Perkins sank a bit lower in his seat.
"He died, helping another man, a lesser man, a man who wasn't and never will be, as important as he was."
Ensign Perkins was opening and shutting his mouth, with a look of extreme consternation on his face.
"He died as a badly maintained console on the corridor, which was the responsibility of Chief Barlington, exploded."
Chief Barlington blushed fiercely.
"The console made a large metal rafter fall on top of him, crushing him to death."
The crew flinched.
"I knew this man better than I know anyone else. He was a great man. He was proud of his ship, proud of his crew and proud of his prize winning Roses in the ships bio-centre (which were left to wilt after he had died-Ensign Thomas)."
The ensign sank into his seat.
"He was a good man," the captain continued, "and I have no doubt that he is in heaven right now, having a right old laugh at us, particularly me. His spirit lives on. His spirit paces the badly washed corridors every night and tries to forget he can't actually touch anything."
The crew stared at the captain.
"So, I want you all to remember this man, who made the ultimate sacrifice for another. I want you to remember how great he was, and I want you to continue serving this ship just like you would if he was still alive, which, in some ways he is."
There was some polite clapping, the crew didn't know what else to do. There was a clunk-hisss-pop. As the coffin was ejected out into space, the flag of CFU6 hung over it.
The ships Chaplin got up. "Thank you, er, Captain."
Captain Clifford nodded and went back to his seat.
And so ended the funeral of Captain James Clifford, CFU6.

Miscellaneous computer. Programming: stereotypical hippy.
"Computer! Evasive action!"
"Why, like, yo there dudes."
"Evasive action."
"Like, what's that you're saying man? I think I had a bit too much RAM this morning."
"Evasive action you stupid piece of junk!"
"Woah! Like negative waves, man."

Sykes. The cyborg. Bouncer at the Unholy Club- sacked. Joined CFU6 in state of depression.
"I remember one night at de club....." there was a flash of nostaligia and his eyes glazed over.
Sykes' memory:
"We only let people with ties in 'ere, sir," said the cyborg. Lights in his arm flashing brightly.
"I ain't gotta tie."
"Well, sir," the cyborg began, his eye swivelling in his socket with a whizzz whizz noise, "you won't be allowed in der club then, as I 'ave already exploinated."
"Look, cyborg, what difference is it whether I wear a tie or not?"
"Ties are part of de club uniform," the cyborg said, his breastplate clanged as his thorax rotated slightly to the left, "without it it you will not... fit in."
"Look, can you buy ties in there?"
"Yes... I fink you can," said the cyborg.
"Then I shall go in and buy a tie and then I will fit in with the crowd."
"No, sir, you 'ave to show your tie before enterin' de club," said the cyborg.
"How about I go in buy a tie, come back out show you the tie and go back in again," said the disgruntled man.
"That would breach de club's code of conduct, sir."
The man had had enough, he pulled a laser gun out of his pocket, pointed it at the cyborgs head and there was a whirr as it powered up.
"Let me in or I'll blow your head off!"
"No, sir, I don't think so," the cyborg was quick, whipping around, grabbing the barrel of the gun, there was a clickety-clunk-clunk and the cyborg's arm fell off. "Oh blast, not again."
The man stared at the cyborgs arm, making small noises on the ground, the wrist twitching up and down.
The cyborg went to punch the man and it would have been a hammer blow if it had made contact, but, at that point, his other arm fell off. There was a tinny clank as it hit the ground.
The man and the cyborg both looked down.
The cyborg's head fell off.
The man stared at the cyborg wide eyed.
The cyborg's disembodied arm pulled itself along the floor.
The man ran off.
"Yeah!" shouted the cyborg's head, "and don't come back!"
There was silence. The light rain fell.
One of the cyborg's legs dropped off.

Ensign James
A pretty normal guy. Unfortunately, due to the situations he is placed in frequently by these characters and also the other members of CFU6 he can get very stressed and act completely abnormally for prolonged periods of time. Good with a Guniggy Gun, though.

If you go to my homepage you will be able to join in a scenario that CFU6 is to be engaged in. A bank robbery, no less.

So, are you going to join then?