h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

... whereupon a very surprised and annoyed wombat fell on his head, then dropped to the floor. The wombat sank its teeth into his thigh; Rolf screamed and flailed inneffectually at it. Then he bonked it with the brolly which temporarily stunned it. Rolf quickly scooped it back into the brolly, closed it, and said, 'Abracadabra, send this wombat to Canbera,' while making some David Nixon-like passes with his hands. He reopened the brolly with a flourish and a 'Voi la' and the wombat leapt out and sank it's teeth into his other thigh. Rolf prized the creature off him with the brolly, then beat it to death with the Duck Head shaped handle.

Gasping for breath he .....

....was suddlenly accosed by two animal rights inspectors who happened to be passing by.

Rolf tried desperately to hide the bloody remains of the wombat, and the evidence left grimly on the duck-shaped umbrella handle, but...

...the monster vulture overhead saw it nevertheless and dove in to retrieve its prey. Rolf dropped the wombat, socked the inspectors with a red-and-white-striped-dr.-seuss-sock and ran toward his...

companian, close friend, and partner in crime, who was luckly parked at the rear of Dorathy Perkins, unloading gods from teh store into the back of a rahter famuliar looking bus.
Rolf jumped into the bus, took hold of the controls and

crashed straight into the back of a no 42 bus. 'I must get me eyes tested, cobber,' he yelled at the bus driver as he leapt from the wreckage. The bus driver looked in a puzzled manner at the remains of Rolf's vehicle.

'Do you know what it is yet?' asked Rolf, before collapsing in paroxisms of mirth.

'It's probably the end of my career as a bus driver,' replied the bus driver, and stunned Rolf with his special bus/train driver's enamel tea flask.

The contents of the flask sprayed into the air and

only then did he think it odd that his bus had been hit by another bus driven by an Australian celebrity.

This unbalanced the equilibrium of the bus driver's mind and he

...belched. Suddenly...

...alien spaceships stated coming down from the sky and randomly blowing up. The bus driver...

belched again.

Rolf quietly suggested that the bus driver stopped drinking carbonated drinks so often.



The occupants of the bus watched the alien craft like they were watching some very sick and twisted firework display. In utter disgust...

...they get out there guns and try to snipe down the aliens. The Coca Cola executive gave the order to...

....for two 12 inch spicy pizza's, and rather inexplicibably, a rider on a moped turned up and...

zoomed by, shattering all the windows in over 200 meters. The clown on the corner...

of the street, turned, and squirted the faulse flower on his lapel at the cyclist, which caught him directly in the eye, and sent him spinning off the road, whilst eh clown deftly hid two 38 inch widescreen TVs, a hi fi, a washing machine and set of powered surround speakers inside his shirt, using the lack of glass in the nearby shop as a oppertunity to allow his deft burglary, however...

...the pizzas suddenly animated themselves and quickly wrapped themslevs around the clowns face. Unfortunately for the law, his mask flew off with the pizzas and he...

was revealed to be none other than Tony Blair, suddenly with his true evil revealed, Tony found himself at the wrong end of an dangerous mob attack, and he turned, and fled, being persued by the rampaging mob, unfortunately, however, because of his clown shoes he suddenly...

...tripped and flew headfirst into an episode of The Simpsons. Bart...

hit him over the head with his skateboard', and cried out to his father 'the king of England is come to burgle our house', at this, George Formby, for some strange reason, mysteriously...

...startws grossly devouring his own fingers. This was immediately falsely diagnosed by his psychiatrist, and he was given someone else's leg to chew on. The psychiatrist whispered to Bart,"...

'don't ever cook this beefsteak for longer than the length of two and a half mirros on teh fourth sun of daragon, whre the sun shine is bright, and the nights not cld in teh slightest', Bart, confussed by this, and also somewhat startled by the spurious appearance of Tony Blair, shortly followed by gGeorge Formby, and the shrink, leapt sidewards, and into a episode of Emmerdale, which startled the pizza, that had revealed the true Evil of the clown/Tony Blair, as a consequence of Barts disappearance, Tony Blair turned, facing the smiling cheacky chappy, George Formby, and bringing out his old guitar, they struck up a tune, that forced the shrink to leave them, passing seemingly through a small rift in the space time continuem, unoticed by the banjooing George, and strumming Tony, however, whilst morosly engrosed in their little inpromptu performance, they failed to notice that the bus was careering through the same rift they had fallen through, and the glouring face of Cliff Richard sternly affixed itself to their frozen figures , the bus seemed to gather speed and...

...Tony swung his guitar over his head and ran at the bus, bashing all the windows in. He left the seen with something that looked vagunely like a multiply impaled-by-glass baseball bat with some suspicious looking strings hanging out. The bus skidded to a halt right in front of George, banjo in hand, and Cliff...