h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sir Cliff, remarkibly quiet for some time suddenly sprung into action.
Leaping through the air, he grappled with teh controls of the bus, and turned the wheel sending the evil opposition in teh submarine off at a wrong tangent.
The bus swerved through the air, as a lark in spring, and turned first this way, then a different way, mapping out a random set of twists swoops, turns and stops, confussing the foe that attempted to trace their every movement.
On the bus the party seemed to be over, faces, pressed against the slightly grubby windows, attempted to gain a grasp on the situeation.
But not all was lost, John Lennon, with the help of the Elf called Elvis, rallied the worried looking holiday seekers on the bus, and the sing-song continued with what will probably go down in history as the only use of the song 'jake the peg' to avert impending attack in a mid air bus.
The people sang, Rolf wobbled his wobble board, and the bus continued its eratic pathway through the sky, and impending anylation was prevented, for the time being...

Whilst the evil submarine faltered wildly across the now crimson sky, John Lennon suddenly realised that...

The bus had run out of buttered scones!,
Ceasing his chance, George Formby, previously hharanging some young girls at the rear of the bus leapt to his feet, and, ukalally in hand, announced he was popping over to Blackburn to buy some buttered scones. Unfortunately, this sent John Lennon off on a beatles song, 'a day in the life', and the whole 'jake the peg' sarga suddenly ended.
George walked strongly down the bus, swaggering and pouting as he walked, to the front, where Cliff was still grappling with the unfamiluar controls, and whimsically brushing back his moustache, George proceeded to open the door, and then leapt out.
Screams of 'yes, he's gone' were heard from the rear of the bus, and Cliff looked on helplessly as George plumitted downwards, in search of buttered Scones from the 'buttered scone' shop in Blackburn.

..as he plumetted, George met up with Jamie Oliver, who was also on his way downwards at a rapid speed.

"Eeeee" said George "Dos tha know how te make buttered scones?"

"Buttered scones, mate? Make 'em all the time. You get your scone, whack on some butter. Pukka."

"Aye, lad, thats it. Would you look after this aubergine for me?"

Oliver's reply, unfortunately, was interrupted by the ground.

Meanwhile, back on the bus, Cliff Richard was beginning to dribble..

Past one man, past a second, he swerved, turned, volleyed and chipped a shot straight over the head of Gandi, who was in goal.
Suddenly, and without warning, Bobby leaned over, and reaching for an oversized chrome ladel, proceded to dump a mass of dried muffin remnants inside the shirt of Gandi, who was still recovering from Cliffs goal. A procedure, so delicatly designed to draw the attention of the devote bus travelers, that it was some seconds later that they realised no one was controlling the bus, and a thud on the roof, alerted the buss travelers that they had intercepted the falling body of George, now lay astride the roof of hte bus, twanging out a ditty on the ukelally.
Gandi leapt for the controls, bringing the bus to a hault on a sixpence.
This would have been no bad thing, and indeed for George, and those inside the bus was no bad thing, unfortunately the six pence in question was in the jeans pocket of the lead guitarist from a band performing a open air concert somewhere in teh summerset countryside...
The bus had landed, and John Lennon was indignant with rage, indigestion and an undiagnosed skin condition...

...called Paul McArtney. John's annoyance was partly caused by the fact that he was now 4523095869 times smaller than Paul, and partly caused by having to listen to 'Rupert and the Frog Song' which John reckoned he had written on the back of a beermat in the Tavern Club and Paul had subsequently nicked from him. All these thoughts, however, quickly evaporated when...

The sight and sounds of a Napalm Death concert appeared suddenly and without warming into view/earshot, somewhat throwing everyone off what they were thinking about; causing John to drop the knife, Roger to spill his ber and Paul to accidently eat the beer mat.

Amid the confusion, nobody noticed Rolf Harris reach for his wobble board and...

, smiling like a maniac,...

attack John with it before he could pick up the knife again. Paul lept to his feet and ....

....his wig fell off. Whilst the entire bus was busy laughing at the bald, old, washed up star, Rolf Harris (the bald, old, washed up artist) carefully tied and gagged John. Suddenly...

...a huge sperm whale fell from the sky and neatly severed John's bonds with a flick of its razor sharp flippers. Rolf reflexively leapt out of the way, only to collide with...

.. his wobble board which he'd left leaning against a wall. He bounced off the board, did a triple summersault (with pike) and then ....

......Accidentaly won an olympic gymnastics gold medal.

He had landed neatly on a grass verge outside a popular high-street supermarket. The bus rolled gently away over the horizon.

"Thank goodness for that" Rolf cried

But little did he know...

...that the surviving members of Led Zeppelin were about to prosecute him for unpaid loyalties on his version of 'Stairway To Heaven.' As Rolf stood at the bus stop a number 42 pulled up, Robert Plant jumped of and slapped Rolf in the face with a subpoena which he ate with relish. Corn relish actually.

Robert Plant was beside himself, which is a good trick if you can do it, and yelled .....

"Take me to your lizzard"...
This seemed to avoid time for Rolf to stratigically slip into the nearby Dorathy Perkins store, and purchase a ..

Polk-a-dot umbrella, which he brandished against his pursuers in a feeble attempt to buy enough time eat his . As a last resort, he toosed a bottle of to the others and escaped, amidst a field of hiccups, to...

be most extrodinarily supprized, when, after turning the corner, the bus again appeared in his field of view, with Gandi, at the controls, it headed towards him at break-neck speed and suddenly..

transforms into a pink polk-a-dot umbrella just like his. John materialized in the sky above Rolf and fell, hitting the ground with a sickening thud. And then there was silence.

Rolf yelled at...

....the tops of his lungs, because they weren't opening and closing nearly as fast as the bottom of his lungs, which made running away like a coward very difficult.

In an attempt to get himself out of this trouble, Rolf desperately tried to think of a film that he could rip off convincingly that would let him escape... He remebered Christmas screenings of Mary Poppins, and hopefully flung open his dashing umbrella...