h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

For apples turned into a drink
Tremlett's Bitter's the best one I think.
Spartan's still quite a treat
Cox makes cider too sweet
But any brew from the orchard I'll sink

Perhaps I should a rider
On the dangers of indulging in cider
Though refreshing as rain,
It goes straight to the brain
Yet its your stomach that ends up the wider.

I too used to drink cider a lot
But to make sure that it hit the spot
I'd add just a nip
Of Ginger Wine and just sip
Can you imagine just how I got??

I used to drink Stones at the game
(Excuse me for using the name)
Behind the bar was a pretty young lass
Who instead of measuring, sold by the glass
So soon both the teams looked the same.

Ther once was a 'G2 Researcher,
Who close his mouth with a suture,
But his keyboard talk,
Caused the thread to walk,
And him to consider his future.

To drink a cold cider with straw,
I'd have to have no use of my jaw,
For my feminine side,
Has taken a ride,
I'm a manly old man and quite raw...

I'd never insult or deride her,
If I couldn't get cider inside her,
If she still will not drink,
It will tickle me pink,
I'll just her and her and her!

Between sex and cider a link?
Do you think I should give her a drink?
A sip of my cider,
I'll just lay down besider her,
Oh! She's fallen asleep now I think...

Now I've drinken the rest of my drunk,
Too much cider consimed I do thunk,
She's sniring besode me,
Frem hore she's quete pritty,
But to that I would sirely not sunk.

Cider hangovers are to me rare,
But this one is really a bear.
My lady is gone,
I woke up on the lawn,
With my clothes bundled up on the stair.

I think I should leave this old link,
(The one about cider to drink)
If I drink one more cider,
Without me beside her,
This drink link would cause me to think

Cider and vodka I've found
are surely the best drinks around
They make me talk s**te
throughout the whole night
and I always wake up feeling sound

Obsessed with sex and with drink
This thread's in a rut I do think
Can we just raise the tone
Or am I on my own
If so, it's away I will slink

I've noticed a trend, I must say,
in the direction in which this does stray
One minute it's drink
about which we think
And the next it's all "rolls in the hay"

I have to admit on my part
both subjects are close to my heart
sadly the latter
is no laughing matter
or absent completely. Don't start!

We really should rhyme about cars,
No cider and women as stars,
Girls should talk about boys,
And guys their toys,
Or golf, I could list all my pars!

I pop out for a week to get oiled
and find that my plans have been foiled
You've moved from scrumpy
to rumpy pumpy
and a game described as a good walk spoiled.

Fine, we'll talk about cider again.
And nothing that causes you pain.
But cider for women,
Has a slice of the lemon,
It's girly, I have great disdain.

'round here the best is called Merridale,
Not easily found over hill and dale,
It's made from five apples,
The maker won't dabble,
He makes just the best and never fails.

Scrumpy and cyser and draft are here,
All potent and yummy and not like beer,
My favourite's cyser,
In the summer you ice 'er,
On hot days it's good to have some quite near.

Whilst Cider's the drink of my youth
I now like drinks of higher proof
So its black label and OJ
that I'm drinking today
Who said I look like a poof ?