Bush Telegraph
Created | Updated Jun 22, 2003
Investigative journalists working for The h2g2 Post this week tapped a telephone line in Grosvenor Square. Unfortunately, technical problems meant that only one half of the conversation could be recorded, but even so it affords the reader a valuable insight into transatlantic diplomacy.
Good morning, Mr.President-Elect. Nice to speak to you. I trust the preparations for your inauguration are going well. My name's Phil Lader, and I'm your representative here in England.
(...)
No, Sir, Old England.
(...)
That's right, Sir, like on PBS. Anyhow, it was normal practice for me to give a monthly briefing to the outgoing President about events over here, and I wondered if you would like me to continue that?
(...)
Well, Sir, I think you should give one - even if it's a rat's one. After all, Britain is still the biggest single source of inward investment into the USA, it's our firmest ally in NATO, and of course it's a key player in the Irish Question.
(...)
I think they probably did vote for him, Sir, but only because they all work in bars, so the name 'Tipper' got them onside. If you win them over, you might even get a majority at the next election.
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No, Mr. President-Elect, I suppose that wasn't funny. Perhaps I should just tell you the news. William Hague came out in favour of 'Son of Star Wars'.
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Hague, Sir.
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No, Sir, it wasn't him that wanted the USA to cut fossil fuel use.
Different Hague altogether.
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No, Sir, no relation to 'Uncle' Al Haig.
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No, Sir, not the one trying the Lockerbie bombers, either - that's the same as the fossil fuel one. In Holland. This one comes from near York.
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No, Sir, Old York. He's the leader of the British Conservative Party.
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That's right, Sir, very good, her old party.
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I don't know, Sir, how much did she scare your Daddy?
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Really? Over the Prime Minister of Japan? Just the mention of her name? I believe I do remember something about that, Sir, yes. Anyway, Mr Hague has come out strongly in support of the US pressing on with Missile Defence.
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No, Sir, I don't really know why you should give one - especially not a flying one. Nobody over here does. Oh, there is one thing about Hague you'd like. He was a bit of a drinker in his younger days - not unlike yourself, from what I've heard!
(...)
Yes, Mr. President-Elect, I understand completely. Never again. Perhaps, though, I might send reports into Mr. Cheney? Or General Powell? He has a very good image over here, kind of like Nelson Mandela in a uniform.
(...)
Okay - but when he's away, it will be the second assistant, won't it?
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That's excellent, Sir. It would be awful to think you didn't understand the true nature of the 'special relationship' between the two nations.
(...)
That's right, Sir, just like a li'l ole puppy dog. I'm glad that's clear. Goodbye, Mr. President-Elect, and thank you for your time.
(click)
(unclear)hole.
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