And now, London, a live message from your Virtual Mayor
Created | Updated Jun 20, 2003
The Mayor walks out to 'I'm Your Boogie Man', rum bottle in hand, does the 'Evita' thing, dances a little dance, and begins to speak - a bit slurred with extraneous vowel sounds at the end of every few words. Two stealthy figures are seen behind the curtains, one with a certain air of vice, another with an air of back - stagedness.
My fellow Londonians, I speak to as not only as your mayor, but your friend. I thank you all for lifting me to the top, making dreams come true... for these growing feathers pluck'd from Fenny's wing doth make her fly... oh wait. Sorry.
To tell you the truth, something has been bugging me. Something I think you all should know. Something, which I hope, will not cause your faith in me to decay...
I *am*, after all, a politician...
It wasn't a clean campaign. It wasn't clean before the campaign. It wasn't clean after the election. In fact, the only clean thing about the election was the election itself, and that's just because of Shazz's bloody 'fairness'. We would have tainted that too. In order to right this wrong without having to abdicate the throne - err, office - to someone moral, I feel I must go through all the dirt you've all collected on me and explain it.
Accusation: My running mate Nameless, (who has since slipped to the Cayman Islands for... err... health reasons) was actually my evil twin. I was doing nothing to stop her underhanded deals.
FALSE! I haven't an evil twin! I did all the underhanded deals MYSELF!
Accusation: I was sending my associates, namely '3 cod and a swordfish in a blacked out stingray', to 'visit' with my opponents.
FALSE! I did not encourage OR condone such behaviour, and my associates are not being pai - err, punished handso - err, severely for it.
Accusation: The photo presented of me was not me.
FALSE! If I were going to ghost a picture, I'd have much better taste!
Accusation: I am quoted as saying 'I am not a crook. We prefer the term morally inept.'
Well... true. So I did say it. I was simply trying to appeal to the activists out there, the people who feel the term 'crook' is harsh and condescending - even obscene. What I was really saying was that if I were, in fact, a crook, I would prefer that term. When I said 'we', I meant we as a population - I want you all to know that I will NOT refer to you as crooks period. You should find security in that.
(The Mayor takes a healthy gulp of rum) Now to seemingly more suspicious matters... a great deal of you believe that I was working in COLLABORATION with another particularly duplicitous candidate, Mr. 'Baron Shatturday', on a number of immoral and unfair dastardly type things.
(Glances around shiftily) Not moral? They are too!
- FURTHERMORE, I have been accused of causing this 'Baron of Shatturday' to withdraw from the race, as I had seen potential in his ideas and methods. (sighs) Subjects, subjects, subjects. The good Baron's withdrawal was not the result of any threats from my supporters or myself. In fact, it was part of our plan. That's right... our DIABOLICAL PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! BUHWAHWAHWA!
I hope this press release has cleared up any confusion surrounding the accusations and suspicions of you, my lovely, lovely public. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some associates to punish.
The Virtual Mayor of London Election Archive
