No Luck with Transfer Window

Corfe Castle United manager Joe Kinnell has been struggling to remove a number of plastic transfers from the window in the door to his office. The items in question are car stickers celebrating the club's past promotions and trophies.

'They've been there so long that they've faded - you can't even read the dates', said Kinnell. 'A couple have started to peel at the corners, but they just tear when you try to remove them, leaving an ugly mess of hardened plastic and adhesive. In fact the only one I can read has the face of my predecessor above the words 'King Ken - the Dorset Messiah'. I don't want that mug staring down at me while I'm trying to work.'

'I'll be pleased to have a bit more light in the office, to be honest, as there's no chance we'll ever be issuing any new ones.'

In other transfer news, a famous player has apparently turned down the chance to join Llewellyn Kneecap's theoretical revolution over at Dorchester City.

At a packed press conference, the famous player's agent revealed that he wouldn't be interested because 'he was happy at his present club'/'didn't like the Dorset weather'/'couldn't understand the dialect'/'was enjoying the challenge of the Isthmian Premier League' [Delete as appropriate. Ed]. 'It doesn't matter how many plates of fish and chips Sir Bert [Opulent, City's millionaire chairman] wants to feed me, I cannot come to Dorset. How to say? I think Dorset is poo-hole. It country where man love his sheep. Is cold, is wet, is no Versace shop. I no like. It is that simple', added the famous player.

When told of the rumoured interest from City's local rivals, Dorchester United, the famous player went on to say 'if Sir Arthur Fotheringham wants me to play for United, I am delighted. I play for nothing. Please, please, Mr Fotheringham, I want play for you. Dorset very nice in January. Please, you call me. Call me now. I come, you like'.

Do you know why foreign players are always caricatured in this ridiculous way? Is it fair to report their words is if they were some sub-Borat self-parody? Give us your thoughts, and we'll publish the best of them in the next issue.

Ranjy Kumar refused to make excuses after crashing out prematurely from the Axminster Open to Portland's Franky Tabasco.

The Indian admitted to feeling unwell before the match but stressed that was not the reason for his defeat. 'I gave myself the best chance to win,' he said. 'I don't think it came down to a physical thing why I lost. 'If I say that I'm sick and it affected me, I know it's going to be like, 'well he's making excuses for losing'.' The 21-year-old focused instead on the errors in his own game and the strength of Tabasco's, particularly his fiercely hot serve. 'If you're sick, there's some things you can't do as well as you might like but you just have to deal with it,' Kumar reflected, steadfastly not making excuses.

Kumar hit the back page of the Axminster Voice over the weekend under the headline: 'Can he do it? Yes he can'. 'Portland's famous for a quarry and a prison, and Tabasco looks like he's spent plenty of time in both', Kumar was reported to have scoffed. The jibe fired up the Portlander however ending Kumar's bid to end Tyneham's 73-year wait for a men's singles champion.

The final is now destined to be a repeat of last year's Weymouth Classic final encounter between Ralph Naval and Roger Thesaurus. Thesaurus was effusive as ever about the chance to play his nemesis. 'It's a counterintuitive circumstance for me, essaying to assail Dorset's premiere player and obtaining the Trophy', he burred, 'I've always had a special liaison with this tournament'. Naval, who is in the form of his life was dressed in a beanie, mittens, pirate pants and a fleecy muscle shirt but had nothing to say except 'Get orf moi laaand'.

Calls to change the date of the Axminster Open appear to have been vindicated after record temperatures prompted organisers to implement their extreme temperature policy, and heaters in the changing rooms were switched on for the first time since the 1973 oil crisis. Blankets were distributed to the elderly and infirm by members of St John Ambulance, and one day's play was lost in its entirety after the net froze solid.

Nottington Hotspark manager Harry Knapsack blasted his players after they were guilty of missing a succession of clear-cut chances in last night's 1-1 draw with Portland.

'My missus could have scored', fumed the Sparks' boss, whose side are still in the bottom three, despite bringing in big-name signings like Jamie Crusoe, playing last night against both his and Knapsack's old club.

The fixture was billed as a grudge match following an incident in the reverse fixture where only one member of the crowd was singing - a man was subsequently arrested and charged with homeopathic chanting. Fortunately there was no repeat last night: both Dorset Police Community Support Officers were called in to avert any trouble.

The East Dorset Crazy Golf Association has appointed Tyneham's Morag Doubtfire (53) as its new captain for next year's cup match against the United Stoborough club. Their previous captain, Nicola Fondue had stood down following last year's crushing defeat, East Dorset's first since 1999. Fondue had come under fire even before the tournament began when she failed to select Doubtfire for the team, preferring fashion icon Ena Pewter, in an attempt to put the opposition off with Pewter's increasingly garish outfits.

Launceston: Saltash recently completed a 4-1 series drubbing over rivals Axminster, adding the Newquay Steam Bitter Indoor crown to the GWR Sunday League 20:20 trophy they won last year.

Axminster captain Dicky Pouting could not mask the disappointment, especially as the final match of the series was easily Axminster's worst performance of the winter.

Saltash had waited all series for the chance to bat first and when they did, they set the largest target of the five games, with handy contributions from HA Miller, AB Devilerick and JP Dumenhaligan, all of whom had no issues with the yellow ball.

A buoyant Saltash will now return across the Tamar Bridge to prepare for a return series, in which they can expect to be strengthened by the return of their captain GC Psmith.

Meanwhile, Axminster enters into a series against an emerging Lundy Island during which they will hope to recover some form. 'Confidence in the group is down because some of our performances in the last couple of games have been pretty ordinary,' bemoaned the beleaguered Pouting.

Puffin skipper Duran Vettorix meanwhile believes Axminster are vulnerable following their struggles against Saltash. 'They're a diminished side since the retirements of Adrian Gilchurch, Len McGroan and Marvin Haywain, and the loss of Wayne Shaun to hair transplant research has really dented them', he said.

The five game series starts today.

Stop Press

Lundy Island U13s have scraped home against a full strength Axminster XI in the first game of the Hancock's Devon Cyder Trans-Bristol Channel series, the winning runs scored off the last ball by bespectacled Puffin skipper Duran Vettorix.

Axminster captain Dicky Pouting was said to be 'gutted'.

For Sale:

Prolific and occasionally-controversial Irish striker. Hardly used and in reasonably good condition. Reliable bench-warmer and orange-slicer. Part exchange for substandard Spaniards would be considered. Representatives of Nottington Hotsparks unwelcome. Enquiries to Puddletown PO Box 42.

Title-chasing Puddletown FC finally broke their three-month record of dull draws with a 2-0 win against fellow strugglers Southsea.

The match started in a friendly spirit, with Puddletown manager Ruy Bonquez and Southsea counterpart Louise Phillipa Malvasia sharing a joke about the kidneys both had sold to finance their transfer window spending. The good humour didn't last long, as Southsea and Dorset midfielder Vince Lampim saw red in the second minute for a feckless challenge on Juan Niltothearsenal. From then on, it was plain sailing for Bonquez's collection of Iberian mercenaries, and Puddletown notched a couple of late goals from boy wonder Federico Torremolinos. The home crowd were astonished when Puddletown completely failed to concede two goals in injury time, and erupted into floods of tears at the final whistle. The Tyneham Evening Herald's website briefly crashed under the weight of 12-year-old boys repeatedly trying to post that they'd always said Bonquez was the right man for the job.

Snr Malvasia was spotted in the car park after the match trying to sell his remaining kidney.