Totally Bonquez

Puddletown manager Ruy Bonquez has launched an astonishing attack on fellow Dorset Premier League (East) manager Sir Arthur Fotheringham. Fotheringham, of local rivals Dorchester United, was accused by Bonquez of only being able to challenge for the title on account of 'having better players' and 'probably getting more points than us'. Bonquez, who was visibly tired and slurring his words somewhat, made the allegations in a press conference held with our own reporter at the bar of the Puddletown FC Social Club. Answering the question 'would you like another sangria?', Bonquez replied in the affirmative, put his arm around our man and wrote a list of indiscretions attributable to Fotheringham on the back of a cigarette packet. The press conference broke up shortly afterwards, after Mr Bonquez was removed from the bar for singing 'Guantanamera' rather too loudly.

The following morning, we read what we could understand of Mr Bonquez's allegations to Fotheringham. Sir Arthur, who has been managing Dorchester United since their inception in 1898, replied that he was far too busy writing out next season's fixture list to be troubled by a man whose contract meant that he probably wouldn't be around for any of the games anyway. After an audible chuckle, the telephone call was ended.

Mr Bonquez's wife was unable to shed further light on the fall-out, saying, when pressed by our reporter, 'I'm sorry. He's still in bed with a bit of a headache. Can I get him to call you back?'

Geordie superstar Vladamir Lincoln Paulo Roberto Humberto Broccoli Gandhi Berlusconi Amanda Handagoda, known to his fans simply as 'Kack', is on the verge of sealing his money-grabbing transfer from AC Glamour to Dorchester City. A source at City, owned by fish and chip magnate Sir Bert Opulent, claimed it was 'pretty much a done deal' after Kack agreed terms, which are rumoured to include a £10 signing on fee, a 50p-per-mile travel allowance and a get-out clause if the player finds Dorset in winter a little too parky.

'We're a club on the move', said manager Llewellyn Kneecap, 'all I had to do was reassure Kack that we would be European Champions within a fortnight and he was champing at the bit to join us.' This is unlikely to be the end of City's transfer window spending spree, following former Southsea reserve left-back Dwayne Fridge into the club, and City have also had bids for striker Santa Claus ('He only scores once a year') and Welsh hod-carrier Clive Attenborough ('He's the pits!') rejected.

When Kneecap was asked if he had made the final decision over the transfers, Opulent reacted furiously, exclaiming 'Of course he did. He's his own man, and can speak for himself.'

Kack himself was unavailable for comment, having been arrested with a camcorder at a remote beauty spot the previous evening.

Tyneham's tennis sensation Ranjy Kumar has backed calls for the Axminster Open to be put back until February in future years. Dorset's number one Ralph Naval and number two Roger Thesaurus both want to shift the event to allow a longer break before the first tournament of the season. 'I am still full of turkey', said Naval. Thesaurus was more verbose: 'Last year you could not discern the peripheral delineation from the rime on account of the uncordiality', he articulated.

And Kumar, who faces Lyme's Andrew Patel in his first round match on Tuesday, agrees.

'Having the Axminster Open a couple of weeks later would make sense', the 21-year-old carpet salesman from Delhi said. 'The tournament is very early in January. It seems like you arrive here without knowing exactly how you are playing. And besides, last season I couldn't make it because I got snowed in at Winterbourne Abbas. The A35 was completely blocked. I spent a whole weekend at the Little Chef.'

Kumar heads into the tournament in the form of his life and is joint-favourite for the title.

There was great excitement today at the Tyneham and Lulworth Go-Kart and Pitch-and-Putt Centre as Don Menace, head of racing at MacSporran, unveiled the team's new car for the 2009 racing season. In front of Dorset's assembled press, Menace pulled back the blanket to reveal the new engine-free car with its patented Flint-Slo technology.

'As you can see', Menace explained, 'there are no pedals. The driver simply sticks his feet down through the little holes and runs as fast as he can.'

'This is to cut costs and safeguard the future of the sport by introducing a more competitive edge.'

Alongside Menace was reigning East Dorset champion and Tyneham Sports Personality of the Year (3rd place, Racing Section) Skye Nelson. We asked Nelson what he thought of the new car, but his answer was far too dull to print.

Cricket, and our correspondent understands that Tyneham Cricket Club has dispensed with the services of their captain, Kenny van der Proteaman, and coach Leonard Rutland.

Tensions between the two have been simmering for several months. Proteaman was reportedly angry back in July, after Rutland hung a large net-like structure out the back of the pavilion and suggested the players 'practice'. Some players were also upset that Rutland had seen fit to ban alcohol and hallucinogenic drugs from the dressing room, and that scones, lager and ginger cake had been replaced at tea by high-energy drinks and bananas. At the time, the Tyneham Evening Post reported that a senior Tyneham player – now believed to be all-rounder Freddie 'Fatty' Arbuckle – had stormed out of the team meeting, promising to 'drink Tyneham dry' and was later rescued from the duckpond by an old lady with a bag of stale bread. Rutland, a former Symondsbury under-15 player, has also had his credentials questioned, with many players resenting the fact that he had never played at village level.

The final straw appears to have been the non-selection of opening batsman Mickey Yawn, a long-time club stalwart with a feared forward defensive, for a pre-season tour of Wiltshire. Proteaman was evidently keen on Yawn returning for the tour, while Rutland reportedly contended that Yawn's impeccable technique and ability to score runs meant he had no place in the Tyneham side. The stand-off between the two was only resolved when a letter from Proteaman appeared in the Evening Post, saying 'It's me or him'. The club committee, much to Proteaman's apparent astonishment, took this as an ultimatum and fired them both.

Proteaman's future at the club appears to hang in the balance. Tyneham's star overseas batsman, infamous for being dismissed attempting his 'reverse-prod' stroke, is currently on a squirrel-watching holiday on the Isle of Purbeck, and is unavailable for comment.

His successor as captain has been named as Tarquin Mozart, a good all-round egg who has regularly opened the batting for Tyneham Grammar School Old Boys.

In a packed Church Hall last night, the worshipful Horace Jobson condemned the recently-raised budget for staging the forthcoming Dorset Village Olympiad.

Jobson, having arrived late at the meeting following a minor road accident between his bicycle and a bendy tractor, poured scorn on the figures drawn up by his predecessor, Newt Lizardstone. 'It is simply not acceptable to announce for no good reason an increase from £24 to £93. It is clear that the previous council had something to hide. On taking office, I found that the shredder had blunted, and the cash box contained just 75p and a Walnut Whip.'

'I recently attended the Olympiad at Chideock, and was proud to share in the success of Tyneham's competitors, from Chris Ahoy's remarkable unicycling to Mr Cox's team of four in the pub boat race. It is important of course to show the rest of the county that Tyneham can put on a show as good as anyone, but remember who's going to have to pay for it!'

The event organiser and former Olympiad three-legged-race legend Mr Sebastipol Choke responded that a field was already under preparation to the east of Tyneham and that he was in negotiation with a number of prominent marquee suppliers in the area. Any unforeseen costs would be met from contingency funds, already earmarked as one of the 'good causes' to benefit from the success of the church tombola.