h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

According to my spreadsheet, there's only two gaps in the whole league, so I feel safe to make my predictions for the season. Plus of course, a general critique of each team.

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Frank Ifield's Homecoming (McKay). Two Sunderland defenders (although, granted, Alan Stubbs was still at Everton when McKay bid for him) and the Bolton keeper will probably cause problems at the back. The midfield looks stronger and will score well. The unconventional strike partnership of Forssell and Ellington will - I believe - do surprisingly well, and should life McKay much higher than last season. Prediction: a European spot.

Forbes Phillipson's Masters (Number Six). This team will depend very much on the defence, with its unprecedented trio of Riversiders. If Middlesbrough play well, then Number Six will enjoy another succussful season. But heavy defeats will treble the minus points. Morientes looks to be a bargain up front. Prediction: Top three.

Athletico Aardvark (Magwitch). An unconventional team selection could mean that Magwitch struggles. There's a lot of talent in this team, but that doesn't necessarily translate into fantasy points. Heinze is the one saving grace, and he will net a bagful of points this season. Prediction: relegation probabilities.

Continental Drifters (Sprout). Sprout may have troubles following up last season's success with this team, but he proved me wrong last season and will be out to do so again. Frankly, I can't see either Gudjohnsen or Diouf scoring many up front: the former due to excessive competition at the Bridge, the latter due to general idleness. The back five looks better, but Lehmann may not even start this season. Prediction: lower end of mid table.

Pool of Plenty (Demon Drawer). DD has learned his lesson from last season and bid well and intelligently for this team (apart from Harry Kewell, of course). Diop will get a sackful of points this season, as will Reyes, but the defence looks a bit holey. Prediction: mid table

2+2=5 (Andy G). Reigning champ Andy seriously underbid this year and is falling back on a third-choice squad. Having said this, van der Sar, Mendieta and Robben are all proven performers and should keep the team motoring along nicely. It's hard to see a repeat of last year's heroics though. Prediction: mid table

Los Champignones (Skankyrich). Newcomer Skankyrich has put together what looks like a very strong team indeed. If Sorenson doesn't ship goals like last season, I can see this team going far. The defence are solid and varied; the midfield has talent, and even the optimistically-selected Baggy will score points; Rooney and Angel up front will always get goals. I see big things ahead. Prediction: top three.

Loansharks Are Us (GreyDesk). I remain unconvinced by GreyDesk's selection policy. He has tried too hard to pick the underdogs - the players that no-one else wants but will still score points. Van Nistelrooy up front is his trump card and will get plenty of goals after an off-season last year. But I can't for the life of me see Djemba-Djemba, Ljungberg and Izzett producing the goods in midfield. Prediction: may scrape a European place with luck.

FC Midtable of Mediocrity (Psycorp). Mediocre says it all really. Robinson is unpredictable, Johnson won't start at the Bridge, Shearer is getting old and heaven alone knows what persuaded Psy to buy Reo-Coker and Lee Bowyer. Nolan will do well, but the rest of the team will struggle. Prediction: just avoiding the bottom three.

The Bente Nordby Appreciation Society XI (Egon). Forgiving Egon the sentimental purchase of Julio Arca, this is a team that will rely on Dean Kiely keeping a few clean sheets and Hernan Crespo actually wanting to play for Chelsea. If both of those happen, and Terrence chips in with his usual shedload, then we could be looking at a very successful season. Prediction: possible champions.

The Prosthetists Arms First XI (Bubba-fretts). The world's laziest strike patnership won't do Bubba any favours, and Huth, Cudicini and Josemi will probably struggle for a starting place. Bubba's biggest strengths are a midfield who will garner lots and lots of assists and wisely leaving lots of cash in the bank for future purchases. I know who will be first in for Michael Owen if he comes home. Prediction: unlucky to be relegated with this team, but it might happen.

Sporting Hangovers (Orcus). Despite thinking Phil Neville will solve any problems whatsoever in midfield, this is a talented and cultured team, who might be inconsistent but will return a fiar number of points. Even Beattie and Ameobi are intelligent choices, due to lack of competition at their respective clubs. Prediction: more points than you might think, but unlikely to set the League alight. Upper end of mid-table is a possibility.

Odo's Oddballs (Odo). Our second female competitor has used what little football knowledge she possesses. The lack of Chelski players might hurt, but no-one would expect any of this team to play badly. Odo finished second in the first Phantasy season, much to Egon's annoyance, and could do very well again this year. Prediction: Just outside the top three.

The Terranic Kinghts (Terran). Terran has showed a bit of newcomer's naivity by spending his full £50m. This might mean he has to resort to selling a star player or two if he wants to make purchases later on in the season. I don't see many of the front six making a big score this season, although Arteta is probably his best bet. The defence is not guaranteed many starts and will see some turnaround later in the season. Prediction: struggling to keep heads above water.

AFC Graduates (The Nitpicker). Last and, I'm afraid, most certainly least. Riotact and DD proved very well last season that novelty teams just don't gel. While this team is superior to either of their efforts, there's a lack of genuine class at any position, which means a long season in prospect. Prediction: rock bottom.

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It's been harder than usual to predict positions this season, which I hope will mean we're in for a good close fight. The transfer window in January will make a big difference to the season, as might the cash reserves, plus any injections from the cups.

I am definitely going to tighten up minimum asking prices for players this season, so don't email me expecting to snap up stars on the cheap.

B

Looks like fair comment to me - I have to say, I'm a bit apprehensive about having put all my eggs in the basket of the Middlesbrough defence...

Isn't Dean Kiely out injured for the first few months of the season?

You're making an assumption there that I have the slightest clue as to what I'm doing.

Well, you've been playing the game for two years.

B

I'm worried that you've predicted my boys as "potential champions". I'm probably screwed. Last year he predicted me as "relegation candidate" and I came either third or fourth.

Oh, and Everton released Alan Stubbs in June, so if he was still an Everton player when McKay bid, that was merely in term's of the PP lists.

Kiely is injured, I believe, but I didn't think it was for long, and once I'd missed out on Cech and Lehmann in the first two rounds of bidding, there were slim pickings left among the goalkeepers.

"The Terranic Kinghts (Terran). Terran has showed a bit of newcomer's naivity by spending his full £50m. This might mean he has to resort to selling a star player or two if he wants to make purchases later on in the season. I don't see many of the front six making a big score this season, although Arteta is probably his best bet. The defence is not guaranteed many starts and will see some turnaround later in the season. Prediction: struggling to keep heads above water."


Ashley Cole, Per Kroldrup, Sami Hyppia and Anthony Gardner were all ever presents last season... Per Kroldrup admittedly may have to go in to surgery, but we'll see...

Shaun Wright-Phillips didn't go to Chelsea for nothing...

Not sure to be honest about Watson and Milner... but Milner can get goals, as can Watson (and has been a stop gap Striker on a number of occasions).

Fowler will probably come good under Pearce, and was looking good toward the end of the season...

And Bobby Zamora... well I'm going off the fact that everyone was raving about him for ages, and there is almost ALWAYS a striker from the first division who gets about 20 goals... and my bets on this guy... but I could be very wrong...

And money... well yeah, but I thought what the hell...

Just a possible explination for my bizzare collection of footballers :p

Gardner wasn't ever present last season. He only played 25 games. Hyypia is in danger of being phased out because of Carragher's form. Kroldrup is crocked, as you say.

SWP might not even get a first-team place at Chelsea. He's got Duff and possibly Cole to beat out first. Milner is at Newcastle. Nuff said, really. Steve Watson might be playedas a left-back.

Fowler is competing with Cole and Vassell, not to mention BWP, for a first-team place. Bobby will do OK.

I stand by my predictions.

B

You're probably right... but as they say we'll see

Hyypia's going to play alongside Carragher, Liverpool haven't got any other centre backs at the moment. But if they buy one... maybe.

Well consider my first two choice Liverpool players were snapped up elsewhere, one making a departure from my team of last season when he was my leading scorer. I'm happy to be given a mid table prediction. We shall see.

I have a cunning plan considering Mssrs Bowyer and Reo-Coker....

I did ask about a "wooden spoon" prize for my effort!

Well, it has to be said, the AFC Graduates are doing rather well right now. True to Highbury form, three of your defenders have picked up a clean sheet.

B

A good Arsenal game, and I'll have had three players with clean sheets

If Ledley King had played, Odo would have had all five.

B

That is impressive

West Ham 3-1 Blackburn

Second goal scored by a Mr N. Reo-Coker....

**watching MOTD**

I see Joseph Yobo is keeping up his high standards of defensive possession.

B

Well I'm pleased you think my team is cultures. Maybe like the way yogurt is?

I'm quite pleased so far anyhow, clean sheet by Man city so that's two of my defenders and a Danny Murphy goal

So, lets analyse the predictions:

"Frank Ifield's Homecoming (McKay). Two Sunderland defenders (although, granted, Alan Stubbs was still at Everton when McKay bid for him) and the Bolton keeper will probably cause problems at the back. The midfield looks stronger and will score well. The unconventional strike partnership of Forssell and Ellington will - I believe - do surprisingly well, and should life McKay much higher than last season. Prediction: a European spot."

Finished: 10th. Not a European place in any league I know of.

"Forbes Phillipson's Masters (Number Six). This team will depend very much on the defence, with its unprecedented trio of Riversiders. If Middlesbrough play well, then Number Six will enjoy another succussful season. But heavy defeats will treble the minus points. Morientes looks to be a bargain up front. Prediction: Top three."

Finished: 7th. Change of manager may have thrown it, but still underperformed.

"Athletico Aardvark (Magwitch). An unconventional team selection could mean that Magwitch struggles. There's a lot of talent in this team, but that doesn't necessarily translate into fantasy points. Heinze is the one saving grace, and he will net a bagful of points this season. Prediction: relegation probabilities."

Finihed: 13th. Which woulfd probably be relegation from a fifteen team league, so well done with that one, B.

"Continental Drifters (Sprout). Sprout may have troubles following up last season's success with this team, but he proved me wrong last season and will be out to do so again. Frankly, I can't see either Gudjohnsen or Diouf scoring many up front: the former due to excessive competition at the Bridge, the latter due to general idleness. The back five looks better, but Lehmann may not even start this season. Prediction: lower end of mid table."

Finished: 1st. Oh dear. Must do better, prediction boy.

"Pool of Plenty (Demon Drawer). DD has learned his lesson from last season and bid well and intelligently for this team (apart from Harry Kewell, of course). Diop will get a sackful of points this season, as will Reyes, but the defence looks a bit holey. Prediction: mid table"

Finished: 12th. WOuld have been mid table if league had more teams.

"2+2=5 (Andy G). Reigning champ Andy seriously underbid this year and is falling back on a third-choice squad. Having said this, van der Sar, Mendieta and Robben are all proven performers and should keep the team motoring along nicely. It's hard to see a repeat of last year's heroics though. Prediction: mid table"

Finished: 6th. Little above mid-table, but prediction fairly accurate anyway.

"Los Champignones (Skankyrich). Newcomer Skankyrich has put together what looks like a very strong team indeed. If Sorenson doesn't ship goals like last season, I can see this team going far. The defence are solid and varied; the midfield has talent, and even the optimistically-selected Baggy will score points; Rooney and Angel up front will always get goals. I see big things ahead. Prediction: top three."

Finished: 5th. Probably underperformed as prediction did rather boldly state "Angel will always get goals".

"Loansharks Are Us (GreyDesk). I remain unconvinced by GreyDesk's selection policy. He has tried too hard to pick the underdogs - the players that no-one else wants but will still score points. Van Nistelrooy up front is his trump card and will get plenty of goals after an off-season last year. But I can't for the life of me see Djemba-Djemba, Ljungberg and Izzett producing the goods in midfield. Prediction: may scrape a European place with luck."

Finished: 3rd. Bit of underestimation on that one, B.

"FC Midtable of Mediocrity (Psycorp). Mediocre says it all really. Robinson is unpredictable, Johnson won't start at the Bridge, Shearer is getting old and heaven alone knows what persuaded Psy to buy Reo-Coker and Lee Bowyer. Nolan will do well, but the rest of the team will struggle. Prediction: just avoiding the bottom three."

Finished: 2nd. Only narrowly avoided the bottom three then...

"The Bente Nordby Appreciation Society XI (Egon). Forgiving Egon the sentimental purchase of Julio Arca, this is a team that will rely on Dean Kiely keeping a few clean sheets and Hernan Crespo actually wanting to play for Chelsea. If both of those happen, and Terrence chips in with his usual shedload, then we could be looking at a very successful season. Prediction: possible champions."

Finished: 4th, althoough if I'd bothered to replace the injured Zenden and half blind Scholes, and hadn't indulged in a game of "Musical Charelton goalkeeper" (although to be fair, so was Alan Curbishley), then I might have edged a top three place, but they and Julio weren't the only things stopping the team challenging for the title, quite frankly it was only Henry kept this side remotely competitive.

"The Prosthetists Arms First XI (Bubba-fretts). The world's laziest strike patnership won't do Bubba any favours, and Huth, Cudicini and Josemi will probably struggle for a starting place. Bubba's biggest strengths are a midfield who will garner lots and lots of assists and wisely leaving lots of cash in the bank for future purchases. I know who will be first in for Michael Owen if he comes home. Prediction: unlucky to be relegated with this team, but it might happen."

Finished: 11th. Prediction about right.

"Sporting Hangovers (Orcus). Despite thinking Phil Neville will solve any problems whatsoever in midfield, this is a talented and cultured team, who might be inconsistent but will return a fiar number of points. Even Beattie and Ameobi are intelligent choices, due to lack of competition at their respective clubs. Prediction: more points than you might think, but unlikely to set the League alight. Upper end of mid-table is a possibility."

Finished: 14th. Another team with a managerial change after the winter break, although with Beattie and Vassell upfront once Ameobi was booted, they would always struggle.

"Odo's Oddballs (Odo). Our second female competitor has used what little football knowledge she possesses. The lack of Chelski players might hurt, but no-one would expect any of this team to play badly. Odo finished second in the first Phantasy season, much to Egon's annoyance, and could do very well again this year. Prediction: Just outside the top three."

Finsihed: Level 8th. Prediction tinged with a hint of bias?

"The Terranic Kinghts (Terran). Terran has showed a bit of newcomer's naivity by spending his full £50m. This might mean he has to resort to selling a star player or two if he wants to make purchases later on in the season. I don't see many of the front six making a big score this season, although Arteta is probably his best bet. The defence is not guaranteed many starts and will see some turnaround later in the season. Prediction: struggling to keep heads above water."

Finished: Level 8th. with Odo. You're a bit like Lawrenson with your accuracy rating, aren't you?

"AFC Graduates (The Nitpicker). Last and, I'm afraid, most certainly least. Riotact and DD proved very well last season that novelty teams just don't gel. While this team is superior to either of their efforts, there's a lack of genuine class at any position, which means a long season in prospect. Prediction: rock bottom."

Finished: Rock bottom. Hey, you got one right. And Nitpicker did prove that Wenger gets rid of English players for a reason. A lot of Arsenal's just aren't terribly good. See: Wright, Comedy Dickie.


Overall rating: D+, only acouple of outrageously awful predictions, but hardly any spot on. Must do better.