h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...who officially likes all animals but feels cats are the truly superior pet. It's oh-so-true. Dogs will love just about any schmo, but once you've gained a cat's affection you know you've found true love.

Boy that sounds sad.

My cats greet me when I wake up, when I come home from work, and curl up next to me while I am asleep. Because of their normally reclusive and stand-offish behavior towards other beings, I know I am being paid the highest compliment a cat can bestow...recognition of your person!

So what does it mean if the cats and I mean only a few cats don't like you?

I means you're just not up to snuff. Sorry.

I will have you know there have been sweet and intellegent cats that thought I was the center of their world. I have been loved! There is just a few of our little friends that think I am evil. So is it me or the cats or the situation?

Let's see if I can stir up a little hate and discontent over here...

Dogs do not always love anyone who throws them something tasty. Some dogs love everyone. Some dogs hate everyone. Every dog has a different personality, and that's what makes them fun. My mom had a little chihuahua that loved me implicitly, but hated my aunt and bit my friend. I hate to gloat to people I care about, but obviously, they just weren't worthy.

I have a friend who raised large hunting dogs called Louisiana Catahoulas. As a breed, the males are usually friendly enough, but not in that annoying over-enthusiastic way. The females hate everyone, and you have to earn their friendship. When they first acquired the breeding pair, the female used to bark and threaten me every time I went over. It took about a month for me to earn that dog's love, with me over at their house almost every day. When a buyer returned one of their female puppies and nobody was likely to buy her again (she was a runt), I went through the same thing. That dog was scared silly of me, but when I moved in with them a couple weeks later, the damned dog adopted me. (Some people think that people choose dogs, but they're either mistaken, or they're doing it wrong, and get stuck with dogs they have problems with as a result.)

Nowadays, the original breeding pair is all gone. They still have one of the newest pups, and she has only recently accepted me (based mostly, I am sure, of the reaction of the other dogs towards me, since I go over there too rarely to bond with the dog). Another of my friends has another female catahoula, and though they've had her for a few years, she still hasn't accepted me. She barks at me only half-heartedly now, and she's only just begun to approach me, although she scampers back into a corner if I blink my eyes too quickly. But they live an hour away and are very busy people, and I have more important things to do when I manage to go over there than win over their stupid mutt. Besides, they have a black lab that I like better anyway.

As for cats, well, I suppose they're nice enough, but after a few hours they make my tear ducts swell shut, and my eyes feel like they're shattering in my eye sockets and I would do better to pull out the shards before they cause me any further discomfort. If a dog bites me, I can whack him on the snout. How do you cure a cat of causing allergies?

Are the ramblings of the dog person over yet?

You inadverently listed all the reasons why I don't own a dog. First off, the barking. There is nothing more annoying (well, beyond a conversational interloper ) than a barking dog who won't shut up. Secondly, the biting. Cats do bite, however they are far smaller than the average person, and can be controlled relatively easily. All you have to do is grab them by the scruff of the neck and they are paralyzed. Most large dogs are bigger than I am, and in addition to knocking me over, can do a lot of damage with one good bite. Thirdly, any species that contains the Chihuahua can't be superior. And finally, dogs are stupid, stupid, stupid. When not barking at the vacuum cleaner or eating their s**t, they're humping your leg, rolling in something dead, chasing wildlife and various pedestrians, rooting around in the garbage cans, or eating your gloves, socks, shoes, belts, etc. etc.

Obviously your allergy is due to some sort of inherent character defect, not the cat.

Ah, now cats, there's a superior pet. When they aren't getting themselves stuck in a tree or crawling all over the countertops, they're clawing up the drapes and furniture. And if a dog is stupid, a cat is far stupider, because you can't teach a cat a damned thing. After having the things for years, my friend still has to chase her cats around to put them in the garage when she leaves. With a dog, a snap and a point is all that is required, and the dog will do it even if it doesn't want to.

If you're having behavioral problems with dogs, then clearly you are unqualified. First you earn a dog's affection, and then you establish your mastery. Once you do that, the only thing you have to do is figure out a way to communicate to the dog what it is you want them to do, and they will do it. It also works teaching them what *not* to do. You can't teach a cat a thing, because they don't care enough to learn, and so your couch is doomed.

However, if you aren't strong enough to establish dominance over a cute little puppy, then I suppose leg-humping and knocking over are your due.

Establish dominance? Mastery?

That's something I don't feel the need to constantly assert. Either you have it or you don't. Only those with something to prove own a dog--whether it's manliness, intelligence, or dominance. I say go pee on a tree or the couch if you want to be the Alpha Male. Leave the Doberman out of it.

Cats appeal to those with an independent streak. The dynamic of the lowly dog and his insecure owner need not apply.

Well, if you can't establish dominance over a little puppy, then dominance over a human child is going to be impossible. So now we know where unruly children come from. Perhaps its best that the women with 20+ cats don't breed...

Dogs and humans are about cooperation. It just happens that you have to prove yourself to the dog before it will cooperate. Once that has been established, it is no longer necessary to assert. Then it just requires that you figure out what the dog is trying to tell you, and how to tell the dog what you want. This involves actual effort, as opposed to a cat, which only requires a bit of food to be thrown at it on occasion. Well, that, and you have to clean up its crap box. Point out to the dog where you want it to do its business, and all you have to do is throw some dirt over it once in a while.

Think about your own relationships with men over the years... although the role may have exchanged from time to time or from relationship to relationship, somebody was always dominant. Did you almost always choose where to go for the evening? Did he always have the remote control? Did you do most of the driving, or did you run his errands? The only difference with having a dog over having a relationship is that with another human being, you can accept the submissive role. But if you do that with a dog, prepare to have your house destroyed. With a cat, you've already accepted the submissive role, because the cat thinks it's superior to you. Not a terribly clever analysis of the situation, if you ask me. But then, I think I already mentioned how stupid cats are.

Wow. Are you really comparing pet ownership to a human relationship? I would like to think the men I have been involved have been more complex and intelligent than a cat or a dog. Perhaps you have not been so lucky...

Since you like to be involved in a submissive/dominant sort of relationship I suggest looking in the personals section of your local newspaper. After all, dogs do have that pack instinct. There should be plenty of ads.

Meow!
Wow, Fraulein! What a put down! I didn't know there was a dog/cat fight going on here, or is it man/woman?
And what's wrong with the personal ads?
It's where I used to find ~my~ boyfriends, before I bought a computer
Now I have no time to meet anybody
Does anyone know the url for the h2g2 addiction clinic?
By the way, I'm a cat person, but I love men too!

This post has been removed.

Though I have no experience with personal ads myself, my cousin once put one in the Men seeking Men section of the Guardian personals, and received a response from someone looking to set up meetings through a bizarre series of coded ads in other magazines. The favoured theory was that he had found a neurotic Tory MP.

As for the subject of teaching cats things, pathetically obeying any command given is not a sign of intelligence. Claiming that dogs are smart because you can teach them tricks is like saying a person is smart because they do what you say without question; it's a sign of an insecure, overbearing personality

The Prophet

Exactly my point. Teaching a dumb animal to do tricks isn't exactly the height of intelligence...either for the animal or the owner.

One would have to wonder who the dumb animal is in the cat-owner relationship. The cat trains its owner to leave it alone when it wants, give it attention when it wants, give it food when it wants, etc. And the owner trains the cat to... uhhh... let's see...

...to not deposit the inevitable hairball on my pillow.

Much more practical trick than fetching, I think.

Well, now do you see? There is no need to train a dog to stop spitting things up on your bed... they manage that one instinctively. Genus canus is looking smarter all the time...

The trick is to regard it as a kind of gift. As in giving a piece of oneself to those one loves...

That's the best thing about love...the more you give away, the more you have left...

Oof.

Cats are *far* superiour.

Now, say you have a fellow who works hard for his family. He works and works and works to get food, love, and affection. All this, you know.

Then you have chaps like Bill Gates. They do little to no actual work, and yet everything is handed to them on a silver platter.

The dog is closer to the former:
"Ruff. Ruff. Okay, Sure. I'll do whatever you say for a piece of bacon. Oh, boy. Bacon bacon bacon! Ruff. I'll speak. I'll sit. Bacon. Ruff!"

While the cat is far more intelligent:
You say, "Here, Kitty. Sit down for me and you get a treat."
The cat regards you with cold eyes, thinking, "Yeah. Right. Whatever." He or she continues doing what he or she had been doing.
"C'mon, Kitty. Look. Yummy treat. Now just sit down..."
The cat looks at you funny again, as if he/she felt you were acting far below your own intelligence level, which, if you're using words like "yummy," you probably are.
You sigh, decide the cat isn't going to do what you want, but give it a treat because it's furry and cute anyway.

Ahem. Cats do little to no work for all the benefits that a dog gets by jumping, barking, and looking like a fool overall.

Having owned a chihuahua myself, I dare say that they are rather sweet dogs. And they're the least likely to do tricks for little tiny pieces of bacon. May I also mention tht the chihuahua is the dog that is most closely related to the cat...

~Sirona, another moody, interesting loner