...or why dog people are wrong

The population of the First World can be loosely divided into dog people and cat people; that is, people who love cats and people who love dogs¹. Dog people will tell you that dogs are intelligent, faithful and loving, extolling the fact that their dog understands six words of English, fetches a ball when it is thrown and gives them unconditional love. Cats - they will tell you - are nasty, selfish animals, who only pay attention to you when they want something and leave dead or dying rodents on your bed.

Cat people will tell you much the same thing, but they understand that this is what makes cats better than dogs.

Translated into cat people speak, the dog person's argument is: I like dogs because they make me feel important. My dog has been conditioned to respond slavishly to a number of Pavlovian stimuli, will repeatedly retrieve a thrown object like it has nothing better to do and loves me because it's too stupid to do otherwise. Cats are self-reliant and make you work for their affection, but bring you presents if you win them over².

The difference between cats and dogs is the same difference displayed in a film noir between the dippy, bottle-blonde trophy wife and the dark-eyed, tough-talking femme fatale, or indeed between the fawning older husband and the hard-nosed detective. Sure, winning the dog over is easy and superficially rewarding, but ultimately wouldn't you rather end up with Bogie or Bacall?

Notably in film, the fat old guys who have trophy wives tend to have dogs, as do their trophy wives (although the husband has big dogs that growl at the hero while the wife has small yappy things that bite). Moody, interesting loners have cats, if anything; always have done, always will do³.

But I digress.

The point being that the love of a cat is only won through mutual respect, while that of a dog is won through doggy treats. Not that I'm saying a cat won't take it owner for all the cat food, biscuits and rump steak the sucker is worth. A cat however will extort food by making you aware that it is hungry⁴, rather than by telling you how much it loves you. It's a more honest relationship between near-equals⁵.

In short: find a cat that loves you, you have found something special; find a dog that loves you, you have found a dog.