Seven Card W**kstain is a card game with a rude name that was invented by a small circle of bored English people on holiday, looking for a way to pass the time. It was subsequently brought back to Britain, where it received absolutely no popular acclaim at all. Possibly the best part of the game is the name itself - in the words of the one who named it:

There is absolutely no reason for the 'Seven Card' bit - you don't use seven cards, the cards numbered seven are not special, nothing different happens on the seventh round, or the seventh card drawn. However, we felt that it gave the game a bit of style and respectability. 'W**kstain' on it's own just sounds, well, perverted.

This game is possibly one of the most unpleasant card games ever invented, and Researchers are advised to stay well away from it at all costs. Playing this game can cause hard feelings between the players, and it could also lead to an ear infection¹ or similar. The game effectively takes the sadistic aspects of similar games (Such as 'Slaps', Revolver, and even Funnelling) to their illogical extremes. Blennophobes² beware.

This game was quite popular with the young men at my high school, and it wasn't until reading this entry that a friend of mine finally found out what her boyfriend had been up to all those years ago. Every now and then, us women-folk need a peek into the secret world of men and teenage boys...

The Objective

The aim of the game is to cover one's friends in a delightful mixture of drink and spit, while attempting to stay relatively dry oneself. The game can be played by any number of players, even just one, but between four and eight players tends to give the 'best' results.

This is a pretty disgusting thing for the BBC to be seen to be giving a stamp of approval to.
-an Editor on h2g2

Requirements

You will need:

• A table, preferably a round one.
• A drink for each participant, of hir choice, but typically cheap beer.
• A pack of cards, preferably low priced. Jokers are optional - they can be left in or removed, as is desired.
• A good supply of tap water can be good, as the game is thirsty work. Alternatively, by restricting the supply of non-alcoholic fluids, you may be able to restrict the level of mess, or ensure that everyone is too drunk to aim straight.

The Setup

Everyone should take a seat round the table, with the cards placed in the centre. The drinks of choice are placed within easy reach of their owners.

Each game is split into a number of rounds - the game may go on for a fixed number of rounds, or until a fixed time, or until some other condition is met, like all the participants running away in disgust³.

One player is picked to be the dealer, and this honour subsequently rotates clockwise around the table after each round. In this way, everyone gets the chance to be a dealer.

Doing the Rounds

At the start of the round, the dealer picks two cards at random out of the deck. The first card revealed is, for the remainder of the round, the 'w**ker card'. The second card is the 'w**kee card'. Everyone should memorise these cards, and then the dealer returns them to the pack and reshuffles it.

Each player, starting with the player to the right of the dealer, takes a card and places it face up in front of them, noting whether it is the w**ker card, the w**kee card, or a normal card. Play continues in a clockwise direction until both the w**ker and the w**kee cards have been drawn. It is traditional to try and draw out the suspense of this phase as much as possible.

The players who have drawn these cards are now known as the 'w**ker⁴' and the 'w**kee' for the duration of the rest of the round. .

What happens next depends upon how many cards the w**ker has in front of him, as follows:

• Five or more cards: The w**ker must take a gulp of his drink and eject it, from his mouth, over the arm of the w**kee. The w**ker gets to choose how forcefully to eject the beer, and the w**kee gets a wet arm.
  
• Three or more cards: The w**ker must spit on the arm of the w**kee.
  
• One or two cards: The w**ker must spit on the face of the w*nkee.
  

Interesting where cultural boundaries and taboos are. The Trobriand Islanders (as I recollect from Athropology classes taken 20 years a go) are inclusive about bodily fluids and excreta, regarding them as being part of the other person and therefore clean, and not exclusive as we are, since we regard them as being rejected by the other person and therefore dirty. One of their greetings takes this way beyond the limits of wisdom and hygiene.

Those players who are neither w**ker, nor w**kee spend this time spectating, protecting their drinks from errant spit or drink, and generally trying to stay out of the way while still remaining at the table. It is entirely possible for one player to assume both roles, if they are particularly unlucky.

Is it the Breakfast Club in which one of the characters spits straight into the air and catches the spit in his own mouth? It's seen as a disgusting display, but it only illustrates how people fear those "rejected" fluids. Does the spit become unclean because it's exposed to the air for a few seconds, when it was resting in the spitter's mouth just a moment before?

Carrying On

After each round is finished, the dealership passes to the next person, all the cards are collected in, and the pack is reshuffled. Anyone who wants more to drink goes and gets some, and when everyone is ready, play starts on the next round.

However, at no point from the start of the game, until the game finishes, is anyone allowed to wipe their face or arm of spit and drink. The penalty for doing so is that everyone who spots the misdemeanour may immediately spit on the face of the person who committed it. Clearly, the larger the game, the worse the outcome for the 'culprit'.

It is typically at this stage that the game deteriorates into name-calling and fisticuffs. It may be useful to learn a martial art.