h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Thankfully this is an operation that I will never have to have, but thanks for being so open about it.
As for the hormones of a teenager, that explains a lot!

I've been meaning to read this for ages and finally got round to it today.

My operation was 5 years ago or so. I really wanted to get rid of the damn thing. I had fibroids and was losing great lumps of solid tissue, not only blood by the bucketful. I was glad when my periods came - the bleeding reduced to a manageable amount during those days.

So I was mentally prepared. Had three kids - the third one a sort of "accident" - and a miscarriage. At that time (the miscarriage, between kids 2 and 3) I was told by the doctor I should get sterilised. At that point I was definitely not ready for anything like that.

I once read a study about post-operative depression in women with hysterectomies. This is a phenomenon that doctors deny. If you still have your ovaries (as I did) you have no change in your hormones and no excuse for moods and depression. This is NOT TRUE.

You are being deprived of what you have been put on this earth for. Even if you really wanted to be. Even if you have a hoard of kids at home. The animal instinct to reproduce can no longer be satisfied and the whole thing can be as traumatic as cancer.

Since that time I have carried on my life as a shell and have heard many times that life is only worth living if you have targets, aims, ambitions, a purpose in life. I can't find one any more. I tried religion - but I couldn't see why God ever bothered making us and our world. I tried enjoying nature - OK it's nice, but it doesn't have to be there, and why should it be there for me? I am afraid I am infecting my kids with this sense of pointlessness. We have a new bathroom and kitchen which are really really nice and were very expensive. I am trying to surround myself with nice things so I have a nice shell to live in at least, if there is nothing inside. I could try to love my husband more. But what is the point? Neither love nor sex have a point any more.

So. I am really depressed, although I make a different impression elsewhere on H2G2. It's a front. How do you do it Annie? Is it really the hormones? Do I have to go through what you have been through? I admit I have had a really cushy life, not even any close deaths, except my mother-in-law and John Lennon, both of which still upset me a lot. Why are we here? How come you are still cheerful and full of energy?

Please excuse me unloading like this, but I had to do it sometime. But don't bother about me. Other people have real problems.

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Not sure, really. For me the worst experience was afterwards, when I went back to have a cyst examined that had grown since the hysterectomy.

They tried to do that by keyhole surgery and slit my intestines but didn't notice it. Two days later I had peritonitis and was in Intensive Care for a week.

I don't know if pouring out my personal depressions would help - either me or anyone else. I wish I still had that study I read - I coud quote that as an objective viewpoint to back up mine.

You should in all cases, include the fact that hysterectomies cause depression - just as naturally as the "baby blues" and kids' getting ill when they're teething. These are things that every midwife, or parent will confirm, but the doctors refuse to recognise.

Your purpose in life is taken away, even if it is no longer your intention to have children. You are not a woman any more. Somewhere at the back of your brain you are turned into a neuter and - as you say - need cuddles and hugs more than anything. Sex takes second place - that comes when (if ever) you have self-confidence, purposefulness and tons and tons of reassurance that you are fantastic (more than any reasonable person/partner can be expected to dole out). This is something that goes so deep and my husband for example,. obviously doesn't understand. He still dotes on me. For him nothing has changed. But it just depresses me, because I can't see why he bothers, I don't think I'm worth it.

Physically, I have put on a lot of weight, but I can't say if this is a consqeuence of the hysterectomy, the loss of self-pride, or the menopause. Not even my "Weight losers'" thread has been any help there.

I have good days and bad days, TC.
Believe me I am not cheerful all the time.
I have days when I don't want to get up, but I force myself.
Days when I think I'll die if I don't have a cuddle, here's me thinking you are lucky having an adoring husband, but then you have to "try" all the time, don't you?
I can just be myself, I am torn between two evils here.
Selfishly staying on my own because I don't want to please someone else, and on the other hand, frightened of growing old alone.
I inrended having that entry completed yesterday, but after I was happy with the entry, I went to update {after previewing} and IE crashed, leaving me the bare bones I'd started with.

I've only half-finished the entry.
TC, would you consider making a list of the drawbacks for me, rather than write an entry; and I'll add you as referenced researcher...

I wish I could detail the drawbacks. But losing your femininity and childbearing properties is enough to shatter any woman. If you are used to prancing around in a bikini, the scar might bother you, but I doubt it. The thing is, it is hard enough with all this ego deflating to even bother to start thinking about how you look. You just think "Why bother?" This is purely animal instinct, I would maintain, because the purpose of being attractive to the opposite sex (or anyone) is for procreation, our instincts would say. So there is no drive left to make you want to pretty yourself up/get back into shape.

We have been naturists on and off since the kids were tiny, and funnily enough, I have absolutely no compunction about walking completely naked, even with four scars on my tummy.

You gottit exactly - I am at the other end of the scale - sometimes I wish I could be alone. When was I ever alone? Straight from home to au pairing to marriage. Often I take detours in the car just to be alone for a bit longer.

Believe it or not, I feel like that with every relationship I've ever had...
I need my "alone time" but I hate being "on my own".
Can't win, can we...
I have to disagree that the sexual act is purely for procreation, or why would we use birth control?
Out of interest, how long have you been married?
It may be worth canvessing other long-time married women to see if they feel the same,{about sex} hysterectomy or not...
I know my neighbour told me her husband is very upset because she has "gone off" sex, {they have completed the act about 3 times during the last year}; she says he initiates it, and she is OK, but then she "freezes"; it's not that she doesn't love him, or fancy him any more, she just doesn't "want to". And this is a woman who's been married 20 years, with no hysterectomy, nor any period problems.
I remember seeing on Oprah Winfrey's show once, a discussion on married women who had gone off sex, and they were practically in the divorce courts, yet the rest of their marriage was fine!
So I'd say sex is important, unless you're both blessed with a low sex drive!
Have you tried discussing with your husband the possibility in your having a "day-to-yourself"? You could word it the other way around...e.g."Do you think our marriage would benefit if we both had time to pursue other things?"
I may be making too much of the sex thing, but I think that's the root of your problem, TC, not the hysterectomy. But I'm no expert, I'm just trying to understand, and believe me, if I can help you, I will. Sometimes just talking to a sympathetic ear helps...
again!

I am not sure I said I had lost interest in sex.

We get on fine that way - well, for him it could be a bit more often. But I would be quite happy without it because, as I said very vehemently in the "Aphrodisiacs" article, everything has to be right all around, too, and especially in your head.

And I didn't mean that sex is only for procreation either - I was talking on the level of "Animal Instincts" - which, even if we will not admit, are a driving force within us, and I can say, think or do what I want - turn into a nymphomaniac -but there would, at the bottom of my heart, be no point.

Those neighbours of mine I mentioned - are getting a divorce.

It was HIM who came over & told me, I haven't seen sight nor sound of her.

He says he is sick of living with "the ice queen" and wants someone who will appreciate him.

Then he asked me if I would like a lodger.

Just to let you know - those old neighbours of mine? They're both married to other people now.