h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I do not know you well enough.

Is this photograph you just showed me real - not a hoax?

You tell me your twin is up to something? He has no money of his own... then how? My family will be ruined... We will lose the goldmines and the silver and the diamonds and the emeralds... no, this is too much...

Poor! Unthinkable.

We must find some way to...

* M.K thinks what a scoundrel the the man is to such a beautific lady... *

Honestly !!!

You would leave this lady in limbo !!!

Only a cad would do so !!!

Lord M.K*

* The visa!!! She had forgotten about that.

* One more reason why she had to stay!!!

* She would have to pretend about the marriage.

* That way, there'd be time to find the CD... Urgent to find the CD, how to find the CD????

* How to meet the Kes she had come to meet...

* Questions -- revolving in her small lovely brain...

M'Lord is too kind

My brother and I - we have ... well, not that much money, but investments and assets - in a joint trust. There's no way he could pay the sort of money you're talking about.
Neither can I - immediately, but I know how I could borrow a fair bit - make some payments on your behalf - buy us some time .... but it would need you here to sign the documents, and explain exactly who needs to be paid what, Alright - I'll stay on - just one or two days.

Now, Peaceful (quietly - out of hearing of MK) I'll explain to the owner that the marriage thing was just a joke - we'll find you another room - alright?

* She sees a large simulpost looming in the horizon and shudders...


The present financial problems will be minor...

What I must do... What I came here to do...

OK, I will tell you.

I have to find something. Your brother might have it. I believe he will be keeping it in a very safe place...

I need it, or I'll never be able to leave him or this country... I must.. I simply must find this... It is a CD.

*A petite young blonde walks into reception, blushing slightly and lowering her eyes as she walks past the nudes..*

Hello, my name is Jezery. Daddy rang last week to book a room for me.
Oh yes, of course, I'll sign the book.

Jezery
fresh out of school
very young and inexperienced
female, no partner

*Always polite, Kes manages to distract 5% of his brain and nod to the new arrival*

Hi Jezery! I remember you from your visit to the bar. Glad you could make it! Welcome - maybe see you later.

*He's glad that MK has something to deal with - Kes and PE need to talk!*

*PE is shaking her head, but can't manage any words*

No separate rooms? Why on earth not? I mean, you're a ...well, I assume, and anyway ...

*Putting 2 and 2 together*

You mentioned visa - that's it, isn't it? Only valid if married or about to ...
Er, ... my brother ... did he organise the paperwork in Brazil?

So if we don't pretend to be together - you get deported ... and ... all over! No money!

* PE's busy brain also allowed her to think "Hi Jezery!" but not to say it.


* She knew she had to make Kes understand that she would be staying here... there was no way out... no escape... no alternative...

* Boring... predictable... Things did happen to poor PE.

* She had to find out where the other Kes was hiding...

* She had to find a place to think this out, talk this over...

* Poor PE!

OK - we'll fake it. We'll stay in the Bridal Suite ... no - I don't mean that - look - let me explain - Oh!

*He borrows the dictionary again, and tries to assemble an explanation ...*

Yes, I must pretend to be with my husband...

But if your brother is here... he will be at the Bridal Suite...

How could we do this?

He would have to know you are here... He soon will know I have arrived...


I don't understand this... This is very confusing... You are my brother-in-law... It is a sin to have anything to do with a brother-in-law when you have a husband...

Very big sin!

* PE starts to worry about her soul... it might go to that limbo Lord Kershaw had spoken about...

Yes - as long as we haven't ... consumm ..er, er, actually ... done anything - you know - no hanky panky.

PE:" Hanky panky? E que? E abracos? E beijos?"

Erm, wait a minute - phrase book .... Abracos ... ah! No, that's OK.
Er ... Abraco e ... bom

PE:" Hmmph! Nao e hanky panky?"

Nao, ... Erm, and Beijos .... bei ... b Ooh! even nicer - .
Er ... Beijo .... muito bom. Gostaria de a beijo.

(Indignant) PE:" Que? Hanky panky que mais?"

Oh look - let me try again ...
Just four things, OK?
Um, dois, tres e quarto ...er quatro.
Tu, e eu ... somos em - no - somos o quarto OK?

(Very annoyed) PE:" Que tal em sala?"

No ... Nao - a quarto - a cama de casal ...e ... primerio ... abracos ..

(Blushing and\or furious) PE:" Hmmm???"

Segundo ... beijos

*PE's eyebrows are fully raised, as is her handbag..*

Terciero ... terciero e "hanky panky" OK? Understand que e hanky panky?

*Kes stops abruptly. He's not sure whether he has delivered a clear explanation, or has just made an indecent proposition. The handbag will tell...*

*Jezery is a bit embarassed at the bare-faced emotions prevalent in reception. She mumbles a quick hello to Kes and PE, and quietly slips out into the garden.*

* She is too nervous to strike the poor man.

* She is trying to think... almost impossible... it takes so much effort to be thinking and not creasing the forehead... a big effort...

* think, PE!!! No use!!!

* RRanky-panky? What can that be???


* OK, what if they shared the room... but what would happen when the brother came in????

* A note to readers. It will be obvious that, in struggling with a foreign language, Kes is speaking portuguese with a very bad accent. The only way of rendering this on screen is to be very bad about all the accents - so all the foreign accents that should be there have gone missing. We may try to restore them later. Now back to the action ....*

*Kes decides he is not going to receive a coup de handbag, so breathes again*

I apologise for my terrible accent. I hope I didn't say anything ... improper, but it's a delicate subject.
We can keep my brother at bay for a while - if only because he knows I'll try to kill him for this as soon as I see him.

First - the good news - even if you and he went through a civil ceremony in Brazil, that isn't valid here. In England you're single until there's a ceremony here - that's the law.

It's also the bad news - you could be deported unless you do get married here. For now, we'll just pretend we're married - with a bit of luck nobody - not even the owner - will think to ask any questions.

Wait there one minute, while I talk to MK.

Your lordship - that lady .... er, my bride and I ... will be taking the Bridal Suite - I understand it's booked for us for the rest of the week - please carry the booking forward until we're ready to leave. Alright? And if you could get someone to bring her ....er my wife's cases up to the room?

Now - one other thing - I want to book another room - actually one of your cottages as well - just for myself - in case I want a bit of time to myself. You understand?

Let me know the number ... and just leave this note for me .... with the key. make sure I get the notw. Yes, I know I've just written it, but I can be quite forgetful - especially at times like this. Yes. One extra cottage - for Kes ... OK?

* PE is relieved that the second Mr. Kes has finally found a way to help her stay in England... She must stay long enough to find that CD, or the family fortune, [the reputation along with it] will be forever lost...

* Waiting at the airport, the long trip... all this was minor compared to this new development...

* Life's constant surprises... She hadn't wanted this marriage... but all had insisted... Ah! She almost cried, but that would spoil her make-up...