h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

mr washington, this way to your room... http://www.h2g2.com/F52250?thread=74531&latest=1

Surprise, surprise!

*Kes walks into the Reception area, and up to the desk.*

Hello m'dear. Any messages? I'm expecting ...

*The receptionist scowls at him, and hands him a note, which he reads. As he does so, a smile flickers across his face and comes to rest in almost the right place*

Ha! Arriving on next flight from Rio ..... coming directly to the Manor ...

*He picks up the small Portuguese dictionary conveniently located at Reception, and flicks through ...*

Hehehe! "Noivas" eh! Exactly as her family promised! (Quiet salivating sounds).

*The sound of an approaching vehicle can be heard - a slightly unusual sound - not quite the same as other cars.*

*Kes's smile fades, as does his colour.*

Couldn't be - no ... er ... Miss! Wait here - I'll be back in a second.

*He leaves the note on the Reception desk, and runs out into the Carpark. The receptionist shrugs, and puts the note back in the rack. She watches Kes's sudden departure with idle curiosity.*

Hello Miss! Excuse me! There's a room reserved for me here - name's Kes - should have been here a few days ago.. unavoidably delayed.

*The receptionist looks at him as though he's mad*

My room? What room is it? I'd like my bags carried up there, and some tea, and the 'phone directory.

*The receptionist's jaw drops; otherwise nothing moves.*

I'm sorry - didn't mean to be rude, but it's terribly urgent. Please can you show me to my room ... and the 'phone book ... and any messages - for Kes.
Kes? Yes?

*Reflex action - she hands over the message that Kes read just a minute ago, and the room keys. She asks:

R: "What do you think you're playing at? You only just went out"

*Kes sits down, weighing that remark up. He reads the note, and begins to look unwell. He checks one word in the note - using a handy Portuguese dictionary, and continues to look unwell. Then he notices the key tag for the "Bridal Suite", and looks extremely unwell.*

Sorry, my dear. It's just ... look - please may I speak to the manager as soon as possible , or whoever looks after the rooms ... it's most important. I must sort this before this lady arrives from Brazil. Oh, my goodness! I'll wait here. Oh dear!

* PE walks in... begins to walk towards the desk.

* Sudden halt. Surprise. Can it be? Is it?

* No!!!! Yes!!!! It is!

* The same face. The same expression... IT IS!

* She has found Kes. So she'd better talk to him, though he seemed lost in some deep thought-process there.

Hello. Hello. *Clearing throat* Are you not Mr. Kes? My future husband? I mean my husband? I mean, I don't really know what I mean, forgive me... I am quite nervous about this...

* She reaches into her elegant, non-leather purse, and takes out a photograph with Kes' smiling face... monocle and all...

* Shows Kes the picture.

Look, you sent me this. This is how I knew you were you.

You are, of course, Kes... My eyesight is quite good, I don't think I am mistaken. The trip was very long, and I am very tired...

* She sees that Kes is somewhat confused, -- looking even more unwell than before...

I am your "noiva" - your bride... your fiancée. Is there anything wrong? You have changed your mind?

* She stands there, in utter confusion, waiting for him to reply.

*looks totally and utterly confused, but keeps quiet*

*Starts laughing. Stops laughing because of the looks people are giving him walks of to the bar laughing againe.*

*looks at kes*
*looks at PE*
*looks at kes again*
i'm lost. i'm going on break. my head hurts. if anyone needs me, i'll be in the chocolate pantry.

*Kes comes back to this planet ....*

Oh my God! He ...
Miss - Miss... Peaceful? I must talk to you. Please sit down here. Oh ... where to start?
Let's start with this ....

*He pulls out a photograph and shows it to PE, being careful not to let anyone else see it. PE looks, and goes white as a sheet.*

Yes - I'm sorry! it must be a shock. That's me - yes I am Kes ... and my twin brother. For some time he's been planning something, but I haven't found out what. Yesterday I got my credit card bill, with Foxy Manor featuring large, so I have come down to find out.
My brother has sent for you to come from Brazil? Why?

* She can't believe it!!!

* TWINS!!!!

* Trick photography????

* A hoax of some kind?

* She decides to find out what all this is really about. So much is at stake...

Well, it is a business transaction. Important... Very important...
Lots of money. My family needs it right now... Business reputation is so much more important than the money...

* I must sit down. She is trembling...

*Most of Kes's brain is dealing with the situation - trying to assess the right actions to take next. The remainder of the brain has just started observing the scene in reception ... and this is taking over ....*
*Kes has just noticed how stunningly beautiful this lady is - not the same as the ladies in Kes's usual circle , but ....very distracting.*

*Kes brings his brain under control - with great effort*

Peaceful .. one more thing. I notice that we seem to be booked in together here - in the Bridal Suite - did you know anything about this? What did he tell you?

* M.K overhears the conversation & draws Kes aside... *

Sir, you wouldn't be trying to get out of paying for the room this week...

Lord M.K*

Look, Mis, er, Peaceful. I sympathise with your situation, but I have very urgent business back in London. I must insist that you go back to Brazil immediately. I'll phone the airline, get you on the next flight - no nbeed to get your bags from the car - just turn round and go back ... and that's it - whatever my brother's been up to, I'll sort out later.

*Kes thinks - that's logical ... but I must be mad! What a stunner!*

* PE is also studying the multi-dimensional image of the Kes she only knew from that shiny picture. Very interesting.

* Then she remembered the situation she'd just stepped into. It was going to be even harder than she had thought.

* It was going to be difficult.

* Too bad she wasn't really too bright. Too bad she was slightly stupid. Lucky she had good instincts to guide her through these troubled times Lucky she was so lovely, that could be helpful...

*Kes replies (a bit late) to MK*

Look - there will bo no problem with payment - whatever's due, even if the room's not occupied for the full week. I'm most sorry for the inconvenience. If you could wait a minute or two, I'll have things sorted out with the lady.

I cannot go back to Brazil.

I must stay here.

I must remain with my husband...

I have to find out...

* She is thinking very hard. Can she trust this stranger?

* Maybe she could use some help...

All right. I will help. I suppose it doesn't affect me if you want to stay in England for a few days, and I might be able to assist with sorting your financial problems ....

*"Noiva" rises to the top of his thoughts, and explodes*

Bride! That's crazy - we haven't ... we can't ...
Oh! Your visa - it was temporary - on condition that we ...?