They begged me to write this. 'Psy,' they said, 'we need you to write something by this time tomorrow for The Post!' Okay, thinks I, let me kick this hangover, then I’ll write it.

But then like at all times when you’re trying to turn something bad to your advantage, an idea formed in the last vestiges of the alcohol and suddenly a thought came into my head.

'Do any of the hangover cures on h2g2 actually work?'

So here it is folks, Psycorp603’s quest for the hangover cure!

1. Berocca: Ok, so maybe I should have thought this through, I don’t have half of this stuff in the house. Therefore Berocca fails as in its absence I feel slightly worse.
2. Caffeine: I can’t face a cup of coffee. I opened the jar and the smell made me retch. We had no coke (which, if left to go flat, is my personal post-binge pick me up) so I resorted to a cup of weak, sweet tea. Not good. I’ve tipped half of it over my leg, which hurts quite a lot. For the sheer danger posed in shaky hands, caffeine fails.
3. Eggs: Sounds ok to me, scrambled they’re not really solid food. After a couple of mouthfuls I feel slightly better although they do nothing for the headache. Eggs pass, at a B- because they only get half the job done.
4. Hair of the Dog: Fails. The smell of whisky not only had the opposite effect to the one desired, but removed the comforting scrambled eggs from my stomach. What sadist decided that drinking more would help a hangover? I’ll never drink again! Fail, expelled and reported to the police for GBH.
5. Hot Showers: Made me feel better in that the stale sweat and other dirt gathered from last night’s binge and clubbing exploits were removed, but hot water slamming into your head does nothing for a headache and it doesn’t help the upset stomach. It is nice though. Passes at a C, just for the fact that I feel slightly better, if still nauseous and with a headache.
6. Isotonic Sports Drinks: ‘Scouse’ one of the lads I lived with in student halls used to swear by a bottle of lucozade in the morning. But, from previous experience this reacts with the alcohol to give you heartburn. Which you don’t need when you’re trying to keep the contents of your stomach in. Failed in the past so I don’t want to try it now. Because I still feel rotten.
7. Kidney Dialysis: No. Just, no. Rather than go and try this at the hospital I’m going to be sick instead.
8. N-acetyl-cysteine (NAC): Can’t spell it, can’t pronounce it, can’t be mithered finding anywhere that sells it. Fails.
9. Oxygen: Aha! I got a bottle of pure oxygen off the Internet! Problem is that the strange taste of pure, pressurised oxygen made me throw up again. I would like to say to people that if you have the eggs, scramble them. The consistency means that they can be easily vacated if you’re worse off than you believed. Fails.
10. Pinching Your Hand: Oooh, arty-farty new age remedies! Forget it. Take two asprin and pray to whatever deity you hold dear that you can keep them down. If not, then I suggest wrapping a cold, damp towel around your head. I’m denied that luxury because Awix needed me to write this! Fails.
11. Salt solution: One glass of water, one spoonful of salt, two of sugar, plus some dissolvable painkillers. If this were green it could be used as a prop in a horror flick. I swear there’s smoke coming off this. Tastes like salty sugary paracetomol-ey fizzy water. Which doesn’t react well in my stomach. One of these cures had better work, I’m running out of things to evacuate from my innards. Fails.
12. Water: I’m sure this is in here on the basis that regurgitating 9 pints of water is slightly less unpleasant than dry-retching for 10 minutes… Fails.
13. Resolve: Finally. I thought I’d leave this till last. It’s calming, gently pouring the powder into water, seeing the little bubbles pop and fizz. Admittedly there is some mild discomfort as you have to drink it and keep it down. Then after about 5 minutes, all is well with the world. Ahhhhh. Pass! A+

Right, so from this, I’ve managed to create the ultimate hangover survival guide.

Step one: Take some resolve (or similar alternative), then, lie back in bed with a cold towel on your face until the nausea starts to pass.
Step two: Have a shower and put on some clean, comfortable garments. Or just kick around in your underwear if that’s what you want.
Step three: Scramble some eggs (unless you’re a vegan, or can’t eat eggs), eat them washed down with anything that isn’t milk or alcohol.
Step four: Slob out on the couch, computer, lawn or bed and promise yourself you’ll never drink again.

Psycorp603

09.06.05 Front Page

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