Enjoying Yourself in Newcastle upon Tyne... For (mostly) Free
Created | Updated Oct 20, 2008
City of angles
Ah, Newcastle! Home of (among other things) the venerated Viz publication, Newcastle Broon Ale, the lightbulb (disputed) and of course, Jimmy Nail. How did mankind manage to keep limping along until the advent of these wonderful, life-affirming gadgets? This includes jimmy nail, as he is clearly a robot...
So, you've undoubtedly heard of Newcastle, know it's heritage as a party toon and fancy yourself a piece of it, don't you? Oh yes, your life will never be complete until you have sampled the delights of a 'Classic' catering burger, or danced away the night at one of our many, many, (terribly lit and decorated) fine drinking establishments.
But Whoa there!! You're going to spend at least some of your time sober, probably bored and with a limited idea of what one can do in he city centre of an afternoon. Well, worry ye not strange outsider, here is, in the true spirit of the guide, a list of alternative events and locations to get your brain box filled with all manner of thoughts and emotions. See the derelict warehouses! marvel at the pigeon-infested toon centre!! Relish the feeling of being ripped off by one of many shysters who will try and pawn off 'drugs' on you!!
In fact, there is so much daylife in newcastle you might find you can't leave.
The Metro
Having availed yourself of the metro once of twice, there may seem to be little to entertain you here, apart from the strange visages and accents of those heading to and from Sunderland (it's not their fault, they were just born there). In truth however, there are several activities which will thrill and excite any metro-goer. Try your hand at a bit of impromptu street art by hopping onto the tracks and dicing with death as you complete the last word of 'Terry ov South Shields woz ere' before being ground into a fine paste by the metro, or neglect to pay for a ticket and play a kind of human roulette. (Be advised, both of these things are illegal and may lead to a fine and/or prosecution.)
a more novel way to relieve boredom is to stand around in a green blazer and give people erroneous/out of date information and generally believe you are better than those you serve. Nexus actually pays quite well for this...
Oot and Aboot
So, you've reached the centr of toon and the (Geordie) world is your oyster. What now? My advice is to head to Eldon Square, not the shopping centre but the actual square, where you can observe the goff (as they are referred to up here) in it's natural habitat.
Sadly, of late the square is being remodelled, which means that the majority of the goff population have migrated to Leazes park or elsewhere, which means the age old tradition of the square being a staging ground for tribal warfare (Goffs V. Charvers, Hippies V. Skinheads, etc.) will soon come to an end. however, a few rare handfuls of those paragons of alternative cool, the goff can still be found. Enter Kathmandu and laughingly contemplate a makeover, replete with baggy pants and purple hair-dye, or simply mill about and giggle to yourself as someone in a slipknot hoodie with a mohican walks by, totally mis-uinderstanding the concept of 'Goffdom'...
If you are looking for s quick £20, wrap an oxo cube in tinfoil and flog it to the nearest available goff. They will have to take it, it is another tradition of long standing, and an important rite of passage as a goff. You will be king. The principle works with differing sacrificial offerings, i.e. tarragon in a baggie, etc.
noone knows the purposes of these dark rituals but it will doubtless involve makeup, sadness and being in league with satan.
Beyond the Green...
So. you've sampled the delights of the metro, goggled at goffs, and now you're hungry. Go to Greggs, taking note of the overweight, stodgy mothers crammed into a jogging suit two sizes too small who think that a sausage roll and a can of coke is the perfect meal for their four year old. (It is at this point that the Profanisaurus, that venerated tome should be mentioned. Defining a sausage roll as a 'Greggs dummy', and featuring lots of swearwords, it is essential reading for those who need to blend in to the Newcastle background.)Buy yourself a cheese pasty. Recognise the salty molten filling as anything but cheese. Then get yourself round to Gray's monument, the spiritual centre of toon.
You can see anything here, from religious revival campaigns to a particularly entertaining percussion show that only happened once. Things of this nature will not happen every day owever, so your best bet for entertainment is to just sit, eat and if you smoke, smoke. At some point, you will either make a new friend, be harrassed by either the homeless or those who should be homeless, and this can provide hours of entertainment. this is the part of toon where the cross-section of life is amazing, and from personal experience I have met a potential girlfriend, a dubious 'french' man and an army of friendly and polite homeless people and charvers, who will only be after your money. (In the presence of a charver, remember that they regard your posessions as theirs, you will have to work hard to keep them in your pockets.
The Rest is up to You...
So now you see some of my favourite bits, what about yours? Let's get an exhaustive list of cheap/deadly hilarity going, what do you say? Not just Newcastle but the world!! Then if i'm ever bored in say, Dudley, I can hop along to the local Hog-toss/tramp-roast/etc. and we shall never be both poor and bored again!
