h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hello dearie.

"They've" let me out for a while, but only because I have to sell raffle tickets!

Is there any chance of a cuppa and a slice of cake, please? Oh, and would you like a raffle ticket? They're 20p each...

*pours out Earl Grey into a fine bone china cup and passes this to Gwennie. Gwennie pours some of the tea into the saucer, blows on it, and drinks from it. Lady C is horrified. The only other person she has seen do this is Amos*
I have cucumber sandwiches dear. Would you like one? What is the raffle for? A good cause I hope this time. I would never have bought a ticket if I knew what you were raising the money for.
Lady C

*Slurps tea noisily*

Mmmmm! Cucumber! That brings back memories!

Of course it's a good cause! *Tries hard to improvise before she's rumbled*

It's something to do with fund raising towards saving the fish stocks in the North Sea, I think!

Oh well, that's fine. I thought for a moment you were planning to ask those dancing boys to put on another show in the Village Hall. I did worry about them getting a bit cold.
If I buy a whole book, will you go away and leave me in peace? I have an important appointment.
*fumbles in bag for her purse*
Oh dear, I've got no change. I'll take the book anyway, and pay you later. When's the Village Fete?
Lady C

*Looks horrified*

Me? I didn't have anything to do with those dancing boys!

*Crosses her fingers behind her back*

Don't worry about paying me for the raffle tickets, dearie. I'll put the money in for you as I have plenty of spare cash at the moment.

*Remembers that obtaining money from Lady C is like getting blood from a stone and thinks that her bank balance is obviously in the red again and thanks heaven that her own ill-gotten gains are accumulating a healthy interest rate*

I don't know about the village fete sweetie and thought that was a Parish Council decision.

*Sulks because she's not allowed on the Parish Council becuase of her murky past*

*Lady C quickly shuts her handbag with a loud SNAP, and remembers that as far as she had heard, Gwennie had plenty to do with the dancing boys after the show.*

Thank you dear. Of course I don't expect to win, but I do like to be generous for a good cause.
I'll have a word with the Parish Council about the Fete. All the villagers could get involved. Perhaps you should go and make some jam now. I'm expecting a visitor.
*Lady C tries to steer Gwennie out of the door*

Lady C

*Aware that Lady C is eager to have her leave, Gwennie becomes suspicious that something is a-foot*

Well okay then dearie! I'll catch you later and in the meantime, do feel free to visit me at The Rank (http://www.h2g2.com/A424784).

I'm sure Spike will leave your leg alone and won't repeat his previous "misdemeanour".

*As she goes to leave, a thick marker pen falls out of Gwennie's bag. Lady C picks it up, and is curious as to why she carries one about with her.*
You dropped this dear.
I'll certainly drop in soon, when I'm..... er... less busy. If you have any odd jobs, Amos is most accomodating. Pop by here:
http://www.h2g2.com/A421921
and leave him a note. He's very good with his tools.
Lady C

Thank you, I shall although I don't really have need of a man, as I have my own tools and know how to use them!

*Gwennie allows Lady C to read into her parting remark what she will*

*Lady C had heard about the electrical goods parties round at Gwennie's*
Well my dear, sometimes there are jobs that only a man can do.

Hmm! Well, I believe that to have a job done satisfactorily, one has to do it oneself.

Besides, men make such a mess!