h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi marie-rae. I'm from next door, just thought I would pop over and... **espies buns** ...say hi!(with mouth full). I hope we are not disturbing you too much. It was supposed to be such a quiet and peaceful place. But its not!

I need respite, calm and repose. I know you are a big bad witch etc.. but any chance of a sooth for my brow?

*Smiles at Pheroneous and welcomes him into her home.*

I'm not a bad witch. Who's going around saying that I'm a bad witch? I'm a pretty good witch, in fact. Have some sticky buns and sit down. Would you like tea, or coffee?

*Fills a kettle and sets it on the stove.*

No, you haven't disturbed me. Not even when you stole my tree. How do you like Joyce, btw?

*Quite taken by peaceful atmosphere*

Hey, it wasn't me that stole your tree. Its confusing, but there are several of us around, with the same name, and remarkably similar appearance. Look I'll show you something *opens palm* see, that'll always be me, wherever I am. It was me that first met you, in the Estate Office. Things seemed so simple then!

These are particularly nice sticky buns. And, since you offer, I'll have tea.

Joyce seems harmless enough, its just that talking backwards. Hurts my small brain.

So tell me about witches, I thought they were all bad!

You've seen too many Disney films. I know some herbology, a few spells and hexes, nothing really to worry about.

*Studies his palm.*

You have a long lifeline, but your heart line is broken three times. Not lucky in love?

Its not Disney I fear, but that dreadful Dahl chap. He left a deep impression all those years ago, when I was otherwise delightfully engaged in reading bedtime stories to little P's!

Don't speak to me of love. It confuses me. Tell me instead of herbal concoctions and how they may be used to inflict pleasure on my friends.

Inflict pleasure, eh? I take it you are not referring to something like lavender or almond oils for massaging? Or tinctures for treating ailments?

Roald Dahl, dreadful? Not so!

Well I was, actually, thinking along those lines. Massage sounds very good idea to me. I might just need a spell of some sort to persuade people to take their clothes off and lie down in front of me, it doesn't seem to happen very often in the normal course of events. And oils to make my victims putty in my hands, as it were.

Mind you I think I'm pretty happy just sat here with your iced buns and coffee. A man you see of great ambition, but ever tempted and waylaid by the little pleasures.

(You only like Dahl because he wrote about you witches!)

Bring your eats and come into my workroom.

*She leads him to the back of the cottage into a room lined with shelves stocked with jars and covered pottery dishes. There are bunches of drying herbs and flowers hanging from the rafters. She rummages around and comes out with a dusty vial, corked and sealed with wax.*

This is lavender oil. It warms on the skin as you work with it. Here, you can have it. I added a wee spell to it, so only use it on people you'd like to become really well acquainted with.

**Charmed by the , P takes refuge in silence, gathering both courage and words**

You mean, if there were someone I had, shall we say, taken a fancy to, I could use this and be sure any attraction was mutual?

Hmmm...

But how would I...I mean I would need to...What if...Grrr **Tongue tied and twisted**

**Bright idea! Blurts out** Mari-rae, theres only one person in the whole village that I would like to try this on and thats...**Courage falters...then, with fingers crossed**..you!

(Beware, m-r, this chap is no , he may not be all he seems. But then, with your powers, you know all this and more)

*registers startlement!! *

Pheroneous! I'm old enough to be your big sister!

I doubt that, m-r, besides youth and vigour are very over-rated. Give me wisdom and a seasoned soul anytime! And, if you're talking size, I need plenty of practice with this oil!

(m-r in this fora is about 78 years old!!)

I thought you had a thing for Phillipa, I caught you looking at her!

Aha, think then of those creases and folds, those nooks and crannies, down which to chase the lavender oil!

Phillipa, who is this Phillipa? I deny everything!

*Considers a nice romp with Pheroneous.*

Hmmm.....

(whispers) (Go for it girl, Life's too short to hesitate - especially at your age!)

*Studies Pheroneous. He seems very eager. Perhaps too eager? Wonders what he might be up to. No good, no doubt.*

No, don't want to be in any man's thrall, atm. Thanks for making the offer, though. Made my year for me!

**Crestfallen** Not to worry, I'll just finish my coffee and rather delicious iced buns, and be on my way, lavender oil clutched in hand.

(It seems that despite her perspicacity and immense powers m-r has mistaken this honest, straightforward and (very) manly Pheroneous for one of the others, known for their double-dealing, trickery and downright disgraceful behaviour, especially where pretty young girls are concerned)

*On his way out, she checks him out. Has a moment of regret, but brings herself back to her senses.*

Thanks for the visit, Pheroneous. Take this bag of sticky buns along with you and share them with your pals. Let me know how the lavender oil works for you.

**Trudges wearily down lane with an occasional exaggerated sigh until certain no longer in view. Straightens up and cheerily turns over vial of oil in fingers**

I wonder where exactly in this village I may find a suitable victim who may be susceptible to my charms and vulnerable to kindly witch's spell??

Altogether too pleased with himself Pheroneous fails to see a bag of cement left by the workers who installed the sauna at the BOF Inn. He trips and the vial flies upward and outward into the overgrown jungle that was once a patio behind the BOF.
"Damn", he mutters, realising it is lost. And soon forgotten.
But one of the 41 mice who live in the abandoned Jaguar is knocked sideways by the vial impact. And, coming to, summons a few of the others (7 of 41) and they carry it to their lair in the leather seatcushions. The little xmas tree on the dashboard (which they had made from holly cuttings) seems to perk up immediately.