War Breaks Out In The Kitchen
Created | Updated Sep 10, 2008
War Breaks Out In The Kitchen
Well, it started like any other peaceful day; dawn broke, the sun was shining, a clear sky and not a rain cloud in sight (very strange indeed). Who would have predicted war breaking out? Certainly not me.
So! From a tranquil situation into utter chaos, this is how it unfolded.
Entering the kitchen, noting that all detachments, errr... attachments... were in their rightful places, I proceeded to make my first cup of coffee of the morning. Suddenly, without warning, the air raid sirens began to blare out their ominous sound (could have been the downstairs fire detector/monitor that goes off if the kitchen door is left open). Well, I stood agog not knowing where to move. It was all of a sudden, me having not fully woken up yet, from the pantry shelf three squadrons of eggs were scrambled and began circling around the kitchen. The bread shot straight back into its bunker (bread bin), while the sausages endive'd onto the cooker, pulling the frying pan over them!
Things were hotting up, so I backed towards the kitchen door, taking the small set of steps with me, so that I might get a better view of the action.
Over on the work top the bacon made a rash move, it began to advance (it was only three weeks old and shouldn't have done that). A couple or more tins of sardines were lined up but took no active part as they were arguing who should be in charge—the ones in tomato sauce, or those in sunflower oil.
Then, I could hear the screech of the dive bombers (I think they were the pasta butterfly-shaped things), flour bombs dropping all over - plain, of course, because self raising wouldn't have fallen. The toast was in full retreat having been cheesed off at the start. A division of open capped mushrooms put up an umbrella of ack ack and, in the meantime, three tins of peas were given the green light to attack (peas are green of course, so a red light would mean nothing to them).
At this point, the powdered milk tried running up the white flag, as usual! In all the meal'lay, I could hear the tea shouting 'Sugar! Sugar! Where are you?' Poor thing. It didn't like it being on its own. In the end, it had a mental breakdown because it had been strained too much.
The colander came out of retirement, trying to disperse all the water from the water cannons - someone left the taps on! So the baked beans were 'airlifted' out. A small amount of various vegetables were in a pickle, but with the lid on they were safe enough. A captured block of cheese was interro'grated!
On the pantry shelf 2lb of tanks – oops, sorry - potatoes, went and crushed the tomatoes, who were neutral and taking no part (red tomatoes/yellow?). The spaghetti got roped into it and rounded up the meat stock cubes.
The cutlery? Well, they were just falling all over themselves and the kettle was whistling away. Marge came out and tried to stop the war, but slid off the edge of the table, anyway!
After the tomatoes were crushed, the potatoes went on to mash some more vegetables before a truce was called, and now they're in the large saucepan stewing over their actions and that's about shallot!
If any other war correspondents have any further information to add, please feel free.
