h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Personally, I love how the News is scrambling to report on the entire last 1,000 years as part of their annual and obligatory New Year's "Year Gone Past" Montage. Usually it's really easy for them - they only have to focus on "interesting tidbits" from the year past. At most, the last decade! And now they feel hard-pressed to cover every slightly news-worthy occasion of every year, decade and century in the last thousand years. Reports of the Y2K crisis and product hording are now spotted with commentary pieces like "Eli Whitney...what a really, really great guy" or "Hey! Weren't those Huguenot Wars crazy?!?" or "That Leif Ericsson chap was terribly lucky!".

Mmmmmm.....silly.

This Millennium is lovingly dedicated to the memory of Mr. Elias Howe, who, in 1896, invented the sewing machine.

We pause in our millennium coverage to bring you a message sponsored by Hildegard of Bingen (1098-1179) who, although she had plenty of futuristic nun-like visions, has yet to be cannonized.

Ah. For your reference in future, to be declared a saint is to be canonized; to be cannonized is a good deal messier.

And now if you'll turn your attention to the large projection screen at left, you'll see highlight footage of the Trojan Horse incident.

I'm sorry Betty, but if you'll kindly hand me back the microphone now... Everyone who's everyone knows that the Trojans have been highly inactive in this millennium.

Unless you're talking about that horrible condom ordeal - wait, how did you get the film on that?!? Where's my lawyer?!?

There—now we're even.

Then there's the Trojans that play for USC. There's that O.J. Simpson guy, for one, he's really made a name for himsel--ow! Okay, I'm leaving...geez.

Erm....can I have my shoe back?