h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sounds much like the place I used to work what with all the "employee separations" unfortunately I was one of those separated from my job. Still if I hadn't been I wouldn't have found this job I have now.

As for old school plays, well there was Peter Pan in which I played a fish which basically involved walking in a wiggly line opening and closing my mouth. From that point on I thought my tallents were best emplyed behind the scenes... the more walls between me and the audience the better. The school did do Romeo and Juliet, brought bang up to date with musical numbers and flashing disco lights. My involvement with that went no further than painting the London skyline across the backdrop...

Oh, and then there's paying a non-singing part in the opera Carmen (basicly after months of blackmail and threats from my mum!). I played a begger, but I don't like to talk about it!

What have you done then?

Well it all started when I was six. My ballet school put ona show and I had to play a fairy. Unfortunately I was taller and generally bigger than all the others in my class so when I came out on stage everyone burst out laughing. That was the last time I did any ballet.

Then we did Aladdin at school and I persuaded my mum to come and watch. She wasn't impressed as I walked on one side of the stage and off the other and that was it.

Then in my last year at Junior school it was made mandatory for us to be in the school choir and we did the songs from Oliver. One day the Teacher said "If I tap you on the shoulder stop singing and mime" and as I opened my mouth to sing the first note I felt the dreaded tap. Again my mum wasn't impressed at paying for a ticket to hear me not sing!

However, I am not to be defeated and have found in my more mature years that I love being on stage and getting all the intention and that it takes more guts than any of my critics ever had !

So do you still work behind the scenes ?

Sounds like your experience with Alladin was much the same as mine with Peter Pan, although instead of walking directly across the stage, I did it in a wavey line opening and closing my mouth! I don't think my mum was very inpressed either.

Now why on earth did you have to mime? Was it because you had such a powerful voice you crowned out all the others, surely you can't have been so bad that they made you mime? I can see why your mum wasn't impressed coming to see you do more or less what I'd done as a fish!

So what does your mum think now? Until recently my mum and stepfather were heavily involved in amature opera, and I used to help out behind the scenes with the scenery etc, (apart from my one non-singing roll as a begger I mentioned earlier). I enjoyed being on the stage, and when it came to playing a cripple I think I had a natural talent!

Yes I still work behind the scenes, not so much in the world of the theatre but in real life. I'm the one who has to come out from the wings when it's all over and clean up. Since my mum and stepfather moved to the south coast I've not done anything along these lines. Shame really.

Well, when I was the FQ I had to sing a solo and I was practising at the christmas and my dad told me to shut up because I couldn't sing - Did wonders for my confidence!

Neither of my parents is the least bit theatrical so I don't think they understand but one of my sisters, who is a lot younger than me, has done some stuff at school and college so we talk about it a bit.

I'm going to move house soon and when I do I'm going to join a proper amdram group. I quite enjoy the behind the scenes stuff as well but I think everyone has a part that's made for them and when you find it that's when you really get bitten by the bug and get the confidence to try anything.

I'd really love to do shakespeare but I'm a bit way off that yet.

And by the way, please tell me about the beggar thingie - you obviously want to !

Gawd, just the encouragement you need from your parents! How did the solo go? I guess a lot of it has to do with confidence, and you only really get that by trying it. Of course there are those who are born with it. So what part was made for you, that really gave you the bug? I take it from your comments about joining a proper amdram group that you're into it in a big way. Or would really like to be.

Oh, and I've told you pretty much everything to tell about the begger thing. It wasn't so much acting as "limping with a stick". But aparently I was quite good at it! The only problem was, there were some people from my six-form tutor group were in the audience (drama students too) and I don't think I ever lived it down!

Oh I remember doing a singing thing once infront of my mum and my brother when I was about 15 I guess. God that was really embaressing. It was all the boys in my class... now I'm not silly enough to think I can sing either! Well, not in tune or at the right speed or anything like that!



I remember reading Shakespear at school, Julius Caesar. We had a good english teacher who made things very interesting, although we acted out scenes, it wasn't much more than standing infront of the class and reading...

It was definitely the FQ part that gave me the bug. I stole the show from the Dame because it was such a good part & I played opposite someone i get on well with & it showed on stage.

I can't read music and according to most I have an individual vocal style but I do make up for it with enthusiasm which isn't always a good thing. Trouble is I have deep singing voice for a woman and singing with the female chorus puts me off as they're all so high. however the blokes in our panto fall into two groups: those who are knee trembling spine chillingly good singers & those who can't hold a note but think they can. If i sing with one of the latter it throws me, & if I sing with one of the former I'm put to shame.

Yeah I am into it. Like all addicts I thought I could take it or leave it but last christmas I was asked to stand in last minute for someone (as the fairy. Not that I'm being typecast!) in the luchtime show & I realised I was seriously hooked. I just find that making people laugh gives me such a buzz!

So what was your motivation for the limping beggar ? How did you get into character? You're starting to sound like a guy who appears with a local group I go to see sometimes. Last year he had a walk on part as a policeman and managed to get that wrong by coming on the wrong side. Once they gave him a line of 4 words & he got them all muddled up. You have to admire him for trying & persevering though.

Well, when you steal the show and get a good reaction back that's always going to be memorable and yeah, it's important to get something back from whoever you're occupying the stage with. The problem with this amature opera (and opera isn't my thing at all) is that as soon as the music starts they drop out of character and start singing... you know what I mean?

I have absolutely no illusions about my singing ability (or lack of it!) I can hear the music, and I know the sound I want to make... but when I open my mouth it comes out upside down and twisted round! I think I sing on my own personal musical scale! It's always the way though isn't it - those that can't sing really do believe they can - luckily I've managed to avoid that!

As for playing the begger, well, you've got to remember here that even at the time I was a big lad (6' 4") and I definately didn't look like a poor starving begger! The director was very good though, I was basicly just in it for the money and to get in character all I had to do was thing mean and greedy. At one point I had to chase these kids about waving my stick. That was very easy to do as they were *very* annoying! *grin*. Don't think I ever got to hit one though! Still I think I must have been convincing!

I never missed my cue, or walked on the wrong side of the stage or anything like that! I'm not THAT bad you know! So what are you planning to do next? Another Fairy Queen?

Like I said, I'm planning on moving and then I'll join a noda group or something.

Just remembered why else I liked being FQ - The baddie was a bloke I couldn't stand who took evry opportunity to grope the girls and I got to hit him in every performance - I didn't need any acting ability for that !

Some of our leads have done the same - As soon as the music starts the character drops and you just cannot do that!

I'm planning on moving too, although I'm still in the early stages of working things out.

I remember at this opera society there were a couple of the more "senior" male members who had hands that liked to wander... I think they got much the same treatment. Sometimes you just don't need to act do you! I take it as FQ you have a nice hefty wand with a nail in the end?

The problem with opera is these people take it far too seriously for my liking, and well, you would probably understand that the rivalries and general nastiness going on behind the scenes took some believing! I don't know if you've ever encountered anything that bad? At least with my bit part I could keep a low profile!

I broke 3 wands during the performances and apparently the director winced at the sound it made when i hit the baddie so hard!

Panto or amdram is hardly the RSC but you wouldn't believe some of the comments:

"I'm sorry but this just doesn't work for me"

"What's my motivation for this role" - from a non-speaking chorus member

and then there was the luvvie who wanted his own dressing room "because the dame had one to himself last year"

They are why I gave up directing!

Yo Yo Yo! I did a

Whoooo! !

You broke THREE wands? Was that per performance or in total? You didn't take any prisoners did you! I'm not sure if I should ask what the wand was made of! Sounds like you really got into the spirit of things! Was there a cheer when you thwacked the baddie one?

You always get some people who, in their opinion (and funnily enough only theirs) that are too good to be in you production, and are only there because a) they're doing someone a favour, or b) they've got nothing better to do. But they make it very clear that you should be honoured by their presence! And they always seem to think they should get a dressing room no matter what small little role they're playing!

The kind of comments you mentioned are just *so* depressing! They're the kind of things that they think they're supposed to say, so they say them to try and sound like they know what they're talking about, which they don't, because if they did, they wouldn't say them in the first place! Faced with oposition like that, I'm not surprised you gave up directing! It must have been soul destroying! Depending on the group of course, would you ever think about doing it again? (directing?)

Maybe but it only really works if you have a good production team. Mine was a tad a neurotic and the producer hid in the lighting box for all the performances so I had to dal with the luvvies on my own. One of them wanted to chuck a custard pie in my face on the last night when I was called up on stage but luckily the chorus realised how stressed I was and that this person caused most of the stress so they persuaded him it didn't really show gratitude in the time honoured fashion. Normally things like that don't bother me.

When you're strung out like that, a pie in face wouldn't have gone down well! Sounds like you got no backup at all. Was it a big production? I know the director for the opera I was in, used to get *really* wound up when she didn't get her way, and used to throw her things down on the floor and storm out of the room. She did this so often that nobody took a blind bit of notice and she would just wait a few seconds outside and walk back in and everyone would carry on as usual!

I did get backing. There were just one or two who always thought they could do it better than me but I didn't notice them volunteering when the first director walked out. Wait a min, naybe that should have given me a clue!

I just punished everyone by making them rehearse the songs over and over again until they got it right! They hated me I didn't care Then they bought me flowers to say thank you and we all decided we loved everyone and the world was a beautiful place!

Well, you always get those people who know best but then don't do anything to help. I get them at work, the same sort of people who give lots of advice until the problem is a hundred times worse then just refuse to accept that they made the situation worse!

So did they ever get the songs right? Sounds like you were pretty strict with them - sounds like you had to be! I'm sure they appreciated it really... and it's funny how a bunch of flowers, and the relief that it's all over can make you feel that everything is right in the world! I take it you're glad you did it... I take it you prefer to be *on* performing?

You mentioned you'd like to do some shakespear in the future... what kind of part would you *really* like to play given the opportunity?

Oh one of the feisty ones like Kate in Taming if the shrew. I don't like his soppy heroines but again maybe I just like playing characters who are a bit like me. I should really go for one that isn't so it's more of a challenge.

This year we are going to see Midsummer's Night Dream which I don't know the story to very well except for there being a play within a dream within a play etc. My favourite play is Much Ado about Nothing which was on the other weekend. Now that was a perfect sunday afternoon (the films were in the morning so I videoed them while I was asleep). There was the Importance of being Earnest, something else that I just cannot remember the name of after my glass of wine, and then MAAN. It was heaven!

Right . So you'd prefer a character that gives as much as she takes! (or more!) I remember seeing Midsummers Night Dream performed when I was at school. Although I completely lost the plot and don't really remember it! Sounds like you know what you'd like to have a go at though!

I must admit I've not seen Much Ago.. so I can't really comment on that. I've seen Macbeth though - there's always Lady Macbeth if you want a meaty part!

Now any morning that you get to say in bed, and have your afternoon/evening entertainment all sorted out for you! It did sound as if you were remembering that weekend with fond memories!